FA+
Shop
So I wanted to leave FA permanently...
15 years ago
General
...but a very short chat last night with someone convinced me to stick along for a bit longer. I now realize that the issue causing me to contemplate suicide once more can never be resolved.
Here's a short explication:
1) I don't learn. I'm stubborn (read: stupid) and refuse to learn from past/previous experiences.
2) I see/believe/feel things that aren't there in reality. I'm not talking about religious or supernatural stuff here.
Both are simple facts the people who know me can confirm.
Recently I found myself in the situation where I'm forced to face things as they are. All the feelings, thoughts, imaginations and even the most pitiful fantasies my mind was able to conjure exploded. All of it gone, just like that, and all it took was merely a dozen seconds and even less words. Words can hurt... but holy shit. Last time I ended up short of breath like that was years ago. You could say that my metaphysical Chandrasekhar limit was passed aaaand we all know what happens then.
Anyways, it's about time I stop writing before I end up with a whole page of nonsense again. >_>;
I had a whole section written down explaining the whole situation... but it wouldn't change a damn thing and the people involved deserve better than my whining. So yeah, I really can't deal with this shit anymore. I'm through and so, so damn tired of it all. I'm officially giving up on the chance of any shred of happiness coming my way. Please don't say that everything will be alright or something similar... I've got [2x] years of experience and I -know- things won't turn out 'alright'.
Nevertheless, I plan on staying around for a bit longer.
This is reality and there simply is no place reserved for me... so I'll just stay around uninvited and see how things go from there.
I'm going to post a substitution journal after this one so I don't scare people away from the front page. In that one, I'll explain everything else you need to know and all you need to do is listen.
I want to thank all of you for putting up with all my whining over the past few months.
You truly are a wonderful audience.
Here's a short explication:
1) I don't learn. I'm stubborn (read: stupid) and refuse to learn from past/previous experiences.
2) I see/believe/feel things that aren't there in reality. I'm not talking about religious or supernatural stuff here.
Both are simple facts the people who know me can confirm.
Recently I found myself in the situation where I'm forced to face things as they are. All the feelings, thoughts, imaginations and even the most pitiful fantasies my mind was able to conjure exploded. All of it gone, just like that, and all it took was merely a dozen seconds and even less words. Words can hurt... but holy shit. Last time I ended up short of breath like that was years ago. You could say that my metaphysical Chandrasekhar limit was passed aaaand we all know what happens then.
Anyways, it's about time I stop writing before I end up with a whole page of nonsense again. >_>;
I had a whole section written down explaining the whole situation... but it wouldn't change a damn thing and the people involved deserve better than my whining. So yeah, I really can't deal with this shit anymore. I'm through and so, so damn tired of it all. I'm officially giving up on the chance of any shred of happiness coming my way. Please don't say that everything will be alright or something similar... I've got [2x] years of experience and I -know- things won't turn out 'alright'.
Nevertheless, I plan on staying around for a bit longer.
This is reality and there simply is no place reserved for me... so I'll just stay around uninvited and see how things go from there.
I'm going to post a substitution journal after this one so I don't scare people away from the front page. In that one, I'll explain everything else you need to know and all you need to do is listen.
I want to thank all of you for putting up with all my whining over the past few months.
You truly are a wonderful audience.
I sincerely hope you feel better soon.
You are learning wisdom. Something painful, but, I would not trade it for anything.
Best of luck
Garma