Awake. Aware. Alone. // THE ANATOMY OF A PANIC ATTACK
Make the nightmares end, please!
Don't tell me to not be a baby. Why don't you take a moment to give me a few moments worth of your day. I told you when I came back into this relationship I would be more open with my feelings instead of bottling them up. Now you complain that I'm being too emotional. I came back and gave us a second try. You said if I wanted a hug I just had to ask because for some reason you're unable to be kind and loving to your loved one to do it yourself if you saw me crying or upset. How am I suppose to be OK with you rejecting me even then when I try to get a simple hug. I missed you. When you came home and you brought me those cookies I wanted to hold you and kiss you but all you did was complain. I'm trying to get that love and affection you told me to just come and get if I wanted it. If I can't count on you to be there when I need you, or if I'm am afraid to come to you when I'm upset in fear that you'd just reject me anyway or call me a baby or sigh or leave me to rot then what is the point of showing my emotions anyway. If I can't count on you then what are we? You told me to come get the hug if I'm hurt or upset. How do you think I feel when you reject me when I try to turn to you. ABANDONED. ALONE. I came back to this relationship because you didn't understand why I left in the first place. I told you I would work to make US WORK. My biggest goal being more open about my feelings. I asked you to just do one thing and that's be there when I need you. It's been almost 3 months. What have YOU DONE to make US WORK? It's back to the exact same way it was before I left. Feelings that I can't count on you in my time of need, and that itself upsetting me beyond understand. NO I won't see a councilor. My problem isn't me. It's the lack of you. It's you wanting this fake lifeless relationship to continue unchanged. You can sleep at night but I will continue waking up every night with nightmares of anger and frustration or something worse like the self inflicted evisceration of my naked body with my claws and writing ABANDONED on the walls in my own blood using my open hand as a brush with the most protesting anger on my face. That isn't a joke. That same dream has happened twice. I can see you... I can feel you... but you wont give me the time of day to lift your finger for my heart. Bringing me home a cookie wont fix my heart. Giving me a hug and looking at me in the eyes and telling me you love me and maybe a soft kiss or brushing my cheek with your hand would be the greatest extacy I could ever dream of right now. Give me ten seconds a day and it will change my life. Otherwise I am on fire inside and this darkness that is starting to overtake me will lead to break. Before I held it all inside and I snapped hard. I had a full bore mental breakdown and screamed at the walls and threw my pillows around the bedroom in tears and before I knew it I was already fifty miles away from home fleeing my life wanting it all to go away. The only reason that hasn't happened yet again is because I am expressing my feelings better this time. I am here writing the blood on the walls. I am here crying out for you to for help. If you love me you'll save me. If you love me you too will learn to say "I'm sorry" when it's due. If you love me you'll learn to stop calling me a baby or sigh at me like I'm a burden when I come to you for HELP! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THAT HURTS ME!?!? If you love me you wont turn your head when I try to give you a kiss when you get home and find some joke as an excuse to why you shouldn't have to in an effect to make me laugh. Being rejected is not going to make me laugh. You wanted me to come back to this relationship right? Now I'm here. Keep me here! Show me how much you mean to me! Show me why it was worth it to come back or leave me to rot. I'm losing control. When I came back I asked you what you were going to change to make this relationship work. You just looked at me and gave me this look with a sigh. That was the first red flag right there. You had no answer. I have to write this out right now even because I couldn't sleep. More nightmares. If I lay in bed I stir... I stir and I go mad. I will start to feel my heart rush and my chest hurt and my mind will sink to a black dark place where I die a little inside. I came back for you! I came back to this relationship for you! Show me that it wasn't a mistake! I'm not happy right now and I need your help! I need your help to just live happily again. All I want is for you to HOLD ME AND TELL ME IT'S GOING TO BE OK like you did when I first met you. Do you remember that night? Shortly after you moved in I had a random panic attack. You held me. I curled up in your arms and your rubbed my back with my face in your lap. You rocked me back and forth and told me everything was going to be ok. It saved me that night. You have it in you! Why are you now so shy to show your care and love for me!? You told me you'd always be there if it happened again. Where are you!!! I'm crying... did you abandon that promise? When you came and saw me at my moms house I laid it all out for you in black and white. I dug into my gut with a sharpened spoon and as much as it hurt i spilled it ALL OUT for you. All my hates and fears and how I wished you had treated me better. I thought that would have been a major wake up call as to what I need in a relationship, basic love and care, but I came back AND NOTHING CHANGED. You just want me here because you want to be able to say you have a boyfriend. You don't want to do any of the work, work meaning being a girlfriend in return, and you want it to just be simple and easy. You're right though, you have to fight to keep a relationship going, something you told me. Wheres you're weapon!? How hard are you trying to keep me happy. You blame it on your depression. No depression made you say "not now" when I asked for a hug. No a simple headache did though. How am I suppose to count on you to be there when I need you? I'm so afraid! My confidence is leaving me all alone. What does it mean when I have to turn to my friends on SL for support and I can't get that from home. All they do is type /me hug and it feels so real because it's the only place I know where I can get any care. It's more real there because I feel important and cared for. I have to escape my real life by going behind a computer screen. Why! I still love you. I want you to be my girlfriend! I still love you!!! I just want it to be like it used to be when we first met. The perfect place. When we held each other and said we'd protect each other! You told me you were able to take off your armor around me but now it feels like you've put it back on. I'm afraid to come to you for help. I'm afraid! Because the noises in my head tell me NO. They tell me that you're going to hurt me. When you see me upset and it's because of US and all THESE FEELINGS I'm STILL afraid to bring it up. I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU BUT I'M GETTING DESPERATE. I know I'll never be what you wanted. I'm a soft hearted guy and you need a strong man. I need a caring soft affectionate girlfriend and you've told me many times you can't be affectionate. Where are we going!? Why do I still love you!? I DON'T KNOW but I DO LOVE YOU! I'm trying to be more open with my feelings and you've said many times that's a good thing but it's only a self inflicting gunshot each time because I choke on the words that I say. Tell me, what have I done wrong? What have I done to deserve this? What wrong have I done you? Fragrance of a broken world tells a story of decline. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? Nothing's changed. Give me your heart. Show me something now that I need it more then ever. Show me COMPASSION. If there's somewhere, a last spark of hope... can you change your opinion of the things which you don't know. I wish it would be like in former times when you filled the area with light. If there's a chance to recognize the blame. You can't ignore this. There's a truth behind it that will follow us to the edge of life unless it changes! When the moonlight is shining bright and echos whispers echoing the night... you will see what is to be done (fucking song lyrics). Make your choice! Stand with me or free me to finish this fight alone. The final battle is inside my head. The "internal conflict" it's called.

Enveloped in a sentiment, a sound that rushes over me. Engage in impulse to pretend that I have a faith that's pure. You must not forget how to dream, please endure in everything. Entertain the thought that you have the strength of those you want to be. Cheers and tribute make great your saviors but still your reckless thoughts will survive, anachronistic and impulsive...

And what will happen will I dream? I am too scared to close my eyes... for a second please HOLD ME. None can change in me the things that I believe. But I don't know what happens now... I am too scared to close my eyes.

I want it all to end... to return to a state of simplicity. I want it to all go quiet... I want the words to stop being written on the walls in bloody. No pain, pleasure, no fear or love. No light or day. No you or me. I want to dream again. And don't fear for my safety. I don't care anymore but I am not STUPID. I'm too in love with life and end myself. Nobody can take away my love of life. I follow every step with my heart and I want to live way to badly to do something stupid...
...but I warn you. It's coming. Another breakdown isn't far down the road. My mind can't take it. It's an internal conflict. It's war and neither side can win because it's a war for you. This is MY WAR. A dark seed reigns in me like a storm and I can't hold it back forever. Now is not the time to test me anymore. Stop calling me a baby if you don't understand what you're talking about. Don't cross that line.