Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

I am significantly more depressed and resentful than I let on...

(Note: I really don't want to seem like I'm whining, but this is honestly the biggest thing I could come up with.)

First off, I want to say that I do have quite a few people in my life that care about me, that I've (unintentionally) not hung out with as much as I could, but I've actually talked to them about the reasons why; more often than not it's because they want me to come along to a event or something that honestly doesn't hold my interest / I can't really afford at the moment; they're usually pretty cool about this, and appreciate my honesty.

But, I'm really just a mess inside when I'm by myself. If I didn't have Tracy and a few others, I don't know what I'd do. I don't entirely know if it's by intention, but I could swear that the people I try to get close to and be good friends with, just think I'm really weird and push me away.

It's been like that all my life, actually. People that I thought were my friends when I was little, would secretly make fun of me and write awful, terrible things about me. Most of my childhood until I was 12 was like this; being called retarded, being beaten because I was "weird". Well, you know what? I like being "weird", and something that I learned from the furry community, is that I'm honestly fairly tame compared to some -- not that I mind! I LIKE it when people are weird! It's when people start being strange and wishing harm upon others that I worry.

I digress. It's really hard to write this, without feeling as though I'm just seeking pity or comfort, but I swear that I'm not. It just pains me greatly that even now, there are people I know, people I look up to, that just seem to completely ignore the fact that I exist. Thanksgiving was a great example of this, as an entire group of our friends (some of which I considered to be fairly close) got together and shared the evening together, without even so much saying a word to me, knowing that we'd be by ourselves since Tacy's brother couldn't make it down here.

I just feel like I'm worthless these days, that no matter how much I try with these people that say they're my friends, I'll just continue to be looked over, or cast as the weird-quiet-furry-guy-who's-into-a-bunch-of-weird-sex. I'm not THAT screwed up, am I?

I really don't know. I wish I could just let this go, cut all of my ties with these people, and forget they ever existed; erase the past, erase the pain. More than that, though... I wish I didn't feel so much resent toward these people. I love them, but I don't think they know how much they've hurt me, and I can't bring myself to say anything about it, other than writing this journal.

I will say though, to those of you have given the time to listen to me, to actually care in the slightest of what I do, Thank You. From the bottom of my heart, THANK. YOU. I try my best to stay positive, and I know that I need to get out into the world more, meet new people, but it's so difficult when you grew up in fear, both at home and in school. I'm afraid of the world outside, and I shouldn't be. I should be exploring it with Tracy.

I'd just like us to have a few extra companions to share those adventures with, that's all...

Again, thank you for reading my ramblings, and I'm sincerely sorry if I just sound like I'm whining to you; I understand.




tl;dr: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YuoUTqCBlUk