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The Single Most Important Thing...
15 years ago
Gawd I should really update this more often... this is actually old news, but I guess I sorta want to keep my watchers (albeit that they are very limited, but you guys are great nevertheless!) updated on what's up.
You know how I was in a relationship with someone last time I posted a journal?
Well...
That's not true anymore. Lasted one week and I decided to break up after a chat with one of my friends the night before I let go. BEFORE any comments about how I'm an ass or something for doing that, that was my first. You can't expect first love to be the best of loves, it's like asking a non-artist commoner to draw a masterpiece with a medium they've never even handled before.
...Plus I was careful about what I said, he took it well, and we're still friends.
We had been friends before being lovers, and I realized that when we were friends, he was already supplying me with everything I could want to ask of him.
It's better that way. Friends are the single most important thing in my life right now, and I don't want to set them aside just because I'm in a love relationship with someone. Friends are the perfect balance between responsibility and trustability. They are many, and they will support you no matter what. You'll always be there for your friends, and they'll always be there for you, but there is no need for anyone to confirm that; it's intuitive behaviour, it's an unspoken pact, it's the freedom to let go without breaking hearts. It's the permission to say anything, and to later be able to look back at it and laugh, together.
Love is good, love is true, but it also is constraining, questioning, and it can, furthermore, fade away. I came to find a boyfriend in a time of crisis because I needed to give and receive support, but now that this crisis is done with, I was receiving from him more than I needed, and giving to him only ever so slightly more than I would give a friend. My love was good and true, but it became constraining and I felt questioning after a while. I wasn't sure what I could and couldn't do anymore, and didn't dare to ask, so I remained silent and went with what I thought was best.
A bad move; love is strategic. Love begins with emotion but must afterwards be calculated with great precision. That is something I hadn't realized beforehand, and when it finally came to my mind, I realized that I really wasn't ready.
A commitment of this amplitude is something I'd rather keep for a time when I'll have everything settled. I don't want to have to step on my freedom, not yet.
My relationship status went from closed, to open, to closed and LOCKED until further notice. I am now in love with every single one of my close friends, and I wouldn't want to let go of any of them. I support them, they support me, and that's all I ever wanted.
You know how I was in a relationship with someone last time I posted a journal?
Well...
That's not true anymore. Lasted one week and I decided to break up after a chat with one of my friends the night before I let go. BEFORE any comments about how I'm an ass or something for doing that, that was my first. You can't expect first love to be the best of loves, it's like asking a non-artist commoner to draw a masterpiece with a medium they've never even handled before.
...Plus I was careful about what I said, he took it well, and we're still friends.
We had been friends before being lovers, and I realized that when we were friends, he was already supplying me with everything I could want to ask of him.
It's better that way. Friends are the single most important thing in my life right now, and I don't want to set them aside just because I'm in a love relationship with someone. Friends are the perfect balance between responsibility and trustability. They are many, and they will support you no matter what. You'll always be there for your friends, and they'll always be there for you, but there is no need for anyone to confirm that; it's intuitive behaviour, it's an unspoken pact, it's the freedom to let go without breaking hearts. It's the permission to say anything, and to later be able to look back at it and laugh, together.
Love is good, love is true, but it also is constraining, questioning, and it can, furthermore, fade away. I came to find a boyfriend in a time of crisis because I needed to give and receive support, but now that this crisis is done with, I was receiving from him more than I needed, and giving to him only ever so slightly more than I would give a friend. My love was good and true, but it became constraining and I felt questioning after a while. I wasn't sure what I could and couldn't do anymore, and didn't dare to ask, so I remained silent and went with what I thought was best.
A bad move; love is strategic. Love begins with emotion but must afterwards be calculated with great precision. That is something I hadn't realized beforehand, and when it finally came to my mind, I realized that I really wasn't ready.
A commitment of this amplitude is something I'd rather keep for a time when I'll have everything settled. I don't want to have to step on my freedom, not yet.
My relationship status went from closed, to open, to closed and LOCKED until further notice. I am now in love with every single one of my close friends, and I wouldn't want to let go of any of them. I support them, they support me, and that's all I ever wanted.
