Ever feel like you've died? Not literally dead, but a lot of you is just..gone? I dunno, over the past few months, I've stopped being able to care about people. Well, namely, the public, stopped caring as much about how they feel or how they might react to something I say - feeling like what I say is what they deserve and if it offends them, then to fuck with 'em. I'm losing so much faith in mankind, losing any caring or ability to care about them. That's never been me, I used to put others before me all the time, but now, I feel like they should all be taking a back seat..like I'm better than them..

That doesn't apply to everyone, by the way. Those who I trust as friends or more, they still have me as I always have been, but even then, at times I feel like even they've noticed a change in me or how I act/react. It's..it's not a good thing, really. At least not for me, because what bothers me most, is they are noting there's something wrong in/with me.

I suppose the positive side to it is my feeling of eliteness (if that's even a word) is motivation to fix the things about me I don't like. My weight is one, I'm starting to eat a little better and do more physically. I'm looking at ways to drop more weight and start adding more muscle. Not to what I used to be - I used to be a tall, skinny guy. Now, I'm tall and heavy. So, I need to try and be tall and muscular, add muscle mass so I'm not too stocky or too lithe. In my head, I can see myself as I want to be. Big, built..I dunno, I can see it. I suppose it would be cool to be the most muscular guy in my work.

Brazilian Jiu Jitsu soon. Fuck yeah. Once I get to a good level, I can start adding Gracie logo stuff and have it be official. You won't get it if you're not big on MMA, but if I can get to the Helios Gracie level, I'll have done well in my life.

I dunno. Maybe it's subjective, maybe it's temporary, I do feel better whenever I'm away from that place. It's killing me from the inside, slowly..like I was intaking a fuckin' badass toxin. I can feel it..I feel myself slowly collapsing, in work..if the cutlery wasn't plastic, folk would be fucked. That's all I can say.