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The battle is never over
18 years ago
General
Five Months. It's been almost five months since I lost control, closed the blast doors, set up the autopilot, and tried to wait out the inevitable disaster that fell this past april... And now, I awaken to find that I don't like where I've landed--but that's something to be expected, when your life takes a nosedive.
I can't be sure how long I'm going to be present... how long I will be 'conscious', how long I will manage to remain clinging to this body; I've had phases, fading in and out of awareness to my situation over this entire time, but I'm electing to act as if I am back to stay, as it would be a nice change of pace to root for the best case scenario again.
I had a vision, just before I 'awoke'.
I daydreamed a walk beside a pool, and a dolphin swam up beside me. He laughed-- encouragingly, mind you... --and spoke at me:
"Silly Dry-Worlder, you are sad for no good reason, and that makes you boring. Got any fish?"
Every dream has a surreal moment that shocks you into noticing that you're asleep, and it's time to wake up. For all this time, I'd been taking the hardest, longest path, as if a penance, and The Dolphin told me that it was fruitless. He's right, you know. It's like setting your mind to trudge through a field full of shit when you have a pair of wings on your back. What a stupid idea it all was.
I don't need to feel like shit to combat depression. This hole isn't really even a hole at all. The entire semblance of depth is a projection of a mind that expects an ordeal but has no plan to prepare for it. I just wish I was awake this whole time. I could've really given myself a lot of good advice.
And yet, somehow, it feels honest. It feels so much more pure than any wallowing-in-my-own-emotions that I could've ever done before. I've discovered a mantra, thanks to the dolphin, and it has led me to a new peace that I will hold on to for as long as I care to (I'm not one to set limits). In case you didn't catch it, the whole point is this: "Wow, feeling sad really sucks." "Really? Well, why don't you stop?" ... it's an idea that crosses every sad person's mind, but few people know how to actualize just how to ... stop. The source of my peace, the peace the dolphin delivered, is this:
"I have no room in my heart for hatred, anger, sadness, pain, or regret... These things have never helped me; so I shall no longer help them."
And then it all fades away peacefully with a deep breath.
There's a funny side-effect of this balance I've found...
My co-workers are finally acknowledging the emotional status I've possessed all along. Though it is a relatively good feeling to be understood, it is still a dark knowledge which they have become aware of. They are finally acknowledging that I am depressed (after a fashion). The worst is far behind me now, though, and I think it is fortunate that they did not comprehend while I was still at my lowest point. I'm even relatively happy. It lends me to this 'having just woken up' interpretation, because it feels as though I'd been trapped inside a body made of lies, if I could have felt as horrible as I did and nobody could see at the time.
(I hope for your sake you have never been there, at least not in the state I was. It's one thing to feel ecstatic and have everyone think that you are angry, but when you wish a plane could just fall out of the sky and crush you and everybody around you thinks you're walking on sunshine... well... welcome to hell, population you.)
My boss, Bobby, is encouraging me to seek expensive professional help. Now that I can almost touch the silver lining of my cloud, it strikes me as sort of a 'shut the barn door after the horse is stolen' scenario. Maybe I could've justified thousands (or at least hundreds) of dollars of debt when I was still both UNDER a sword of Damocles AND the thread itself... but now, it feels kind of pointless.
Furthermore... I have always felt that doing that is cheating. I never liked how people so often depreciate the idea of Emotion by reminding themselves that "It's just a chemical reaction", classifying their soul's desperate pleas for help as "a chemical imbalance" and then pumping themselves full of drugs to quick-fix it... ugh.
The way out is simple, and I don't need to sink a paycheck (or more) on someone to tell me how to get there. All I need to do is keep trying, keep being honest to myself, acknowledging my feelings but not dwelling on them. The last thing I need is a brain chemistry dependency on a cocktail of drugs that I can't afford. Hell, if someone damned me to that and only that choice, that would be enough itself to keep me depressed.
Just more shit I don't need, you know? *sigh*
I can't be sure how long I'm going to be present... how long I will be 'conscious', how long I will manage to remain clinging to this body; I've had phases, fading in and out of awareness to my situation over this entire time, but I'm electing to act as if I am back to stay, as it would be a nice change of pace to root for the best case scenario again.
I had a vision, just before I 'awoke'.
I daydreamed a walk beside a pool, and a dolphin swam up beside me. He laughed-- encouragingly, mind you... --and spoke at me:
"Silly Dry-Worlder, you are sad for no good reason, and that makes you boring. Got any fish?"
Every dream has a surreal moment that shocks you into noticing that you're asleep, and it's time to wake up. For all this time, I'd been taking the hardest, longest path, as if a penance, and The Dolphin told me that it was fruitless. He's right, you know. It's like setting your mind to trudge through a field full of shit when you have a pair of wings on your back. What a stupid idea it all was.
I don't need to feel like shit to combat depression. This hole isn't really even a hole at all. The entire semblance of depth is a projection of a mind that expects an ordeal but has no plan to prepare for it. I just wish I was awake this whole time. I could've really given myself a lot of good advice.
And yet, somehow, it feels honest. It feels so much more pure than any wallowing-in-my-own-emotions that I could've ever done before. I've discovered a mantra, thanks to the dolphin, and it has led me to a new peace that I will hold on to for as long as I care to (I'm not one to set limits). In case you didn't catch it, the whole point is this: "Wow, feeling sad really sucks." "Really? Well, why don't you stop?" ... it's an idea that crosses every sad person's mind, but few people know how to actualize just how to ... stop. The source of my peace, the peace the dolphin delivered, is this:
"I have no room in my heart for hatred, anger, sadness, pain, or regret... These things have never helped me; so I shall no longer help them."
And then it all fades away peacefully with a deep breath.
There's a funny side-effect of this balance I've found...
My co-workers are finally acknowledging the emotional status I've possessed all along. Though it is a relatively good feeling to be understood, it is still a dark knowledge which they have become aware of. They are finally acknowledging that I am depressed (after a fashion). The worst is far behind me now, though, and I think it is fortunate that they did not comprehend while I was still at my lowest point. I'm even relatively happy. It lends me to this 'having just woken up' interpretation, because it feels as though I'd been trapped inside a body made of lies, if I could have felt as horrible as I did and nobody could see at the time.
(I hope for your sake you have never been there, at least not in the state I was. It's one thing to feel ecstatic and have everyone think that you are angry, but when you wish a plane could just fall out of the sky and crush you and everybody around you thinks you're walking on sunshine... well... welcome to hell, population you.)
My boss, Bobby, is encouraging me to seek expensive professional help. Now that I can almost touch the silver lining of my cloud, it strikes me as sort of a 'shut the barn door after the horse is stolen' scenario. Maybe I could've justified thousands (or at least hundreds) of dollars of debt when I was still both UNDER a sword of Damocles AND the thread itself... but now, it feels kind of pointless.
Furthermore... I have always felt that doing that is cheating. I never liked how people so often depreciate the idea of Emotion by reminding themselves that "It's just a chemical reaction", classifying their soul's desperate pleas for help as "a chemical imbalance" and then pumping themselves full of drugs to quick-fix it... ugh.
The way out is simple, and I don't need to sink a paycheck (or more) on someone to tell me how to get there. All I need to do is keep trying, keep being honest to myself, acknowledging my feelings but not dwelling on them. The last thing I need is a brain chemistry dependency on a cocktail of drugs that I can't afford. Hell, if someone damned me to that and only that choice, that would be enough itself to keep me depressed.
Just more shit I don't need, you know? *sigh*
On a less serious side note, that dolphin part made me chuckle.