This has been bugging me for years. I just feel like writing a journal about this and other issues; maybe I'll come to a conclusion, maybe I'll get some positive feedback. Or maybe I'll write a bunch of nonsense and be even more confused.

I've always felt just a little bit different. Maybe this is how everyone feels, since it's technically true. I've never really fit into the molds that I was supposed to. I'ma 90's kid who never watched Power Rangers, a gamer who got his first gaming console, a PS1, when the PS2 was already out. I'm a music lover who only started to listen to genres other than Christian music when in college. I'm a guy who doesn't like sports, doesn't have an interest in booze, doesn't want to be competitive, likes being emotional and wants to be affectionate. For those keeping score, I have no man card, I have no man points, and from the perspective of straight people, I am a pansy who doesn't deserve to own a penis. I feel so disconnected from pop culture, indie culture, gaming culture, really any culture. Hell, I'm not even a man by some people's standards. Where do I belong? What clique of friends do I go to?

Even in the furry community, I'm a misfit. My fursona is a nonanthro, which freaks a lot of people out. I like vore, but I like it because of the emotional connection of having someone become part of me. I'm deathly afraid of meeting furries in real life. I'm not an artist, so there goes any chance of being popular. Worse, I'm an author (when I feel like it). We all know how much attention stories get on FA.

I want to take a moment to focus on the aforementioned "man points." I have fought for them at social gatherings, trying to hide who I was because I didn't want to be shamed by my friends. My friends. These aren't the sorts of "friends" you have that are just people you hang out with. These are my best friends, the people I go to with problems and have the closest connection to. My best friends are the ones I am clambering to please, to prove that I'm a man, that I can justify the fact that I was born with XY chromosomes. Maybe all guys feel like this. But I feel like I've had to struggle more than the friends who "win" man points by just doing what they like.

(as an aside, do women have anything similar to the "man points" and other gender-bashing?)

Anyway, this has made me struggle seriously with my gender identity. I've never been physically attracted to men; but according to all the straight people I'm not up to the standards apparently required to like women. Recently, I had read an article about asexuality on FA. A lot of the "symptoms," for lack of a better word, that the author had experienced, I could identify with. I've never been physically attracted to a woman, but when I've had a crush, it's always been because I loved their personality or thought of them as an emotionally compatible person. Many asexuals are very much attracted to the romance and emotion of the relationship, and have no interest in physical acts of love. That certainly describes me. I don't know if I am asexual, and it may be a long time before I know for sure. But it's nice to know that there's at least some sort of explanation why I might be this way.

I feel that there is a purpose or reason that things happen. Not all of the reasons are good, but my personality and past have been shaped by experiences and circumstances that I would like to believe makes me more capable of accomplishing a greater purpose. Maybe the reason I don't fit into any molds is because I'm not supposed to. Maybe I never watched cartoons as a kid because then my ideas for scripts and stories wouldn't be influenced by what I watched as a kid. Maybe I never got a chance to own older consoles so that I could form opinions about games without nostalgic bias. Maybe the reason I listened to only one genre for 18 years is so I would find a greater enjoyment in the diversity of music.

Maybe the reason I'm unable to fit into any mold is because I'm supposed to let people know that being different is okay. Being weird and unable to fit into a specific niche is not a bad thing. Or, maybe everyone feels exactly like I do. Maybe all the people who "fit" into a specific category are really just clambering to be cool. They're just pretending, because we're all judgmental hypocrites who want people to fit the expectations that we can't even fulfill.

Or maybe I'm just crazy :P That happens too. I'm sorry if this journal is boring or lacking in any originality. Like I keep saying, maybe we all feel this way, and I just haven't caught on yet. All I can say is that I'd rather risk writing all this to find out which is true, than to stay quiet and never know what others think.


P.S. Please comment if you do/do not feel this is true for you in some form. I'm very curious as to how others feel, even if it's a simple yes/no.

EDIT: I am not depressed. Just introspective right now :3