I really do. It just feels like every time I'm almost back to feeling alright, like maybe I've got something to live for, this world just deals me another huge blow. Last night was a really nice evening, it really was, and like usual it tricked me, I thought maybe things were getting better. Today, my mom called the Humane society because she was worried about my cat, Persephone, and the fact that she kind of seemed sick. Apparently, it's pretty good chances that she has lukemia. And my kitten probably has it too. And they might have given it to my mom's two cats. She took Nix, our kitten, and Persephone to the Humane Society earlier today (I had to come home and I had about five minutes to say goodbye to them). They were so scared. They didn't know what was going on. If they haven't been put down yet they're probably still scared in their little cages, after being stuck in my mom's laundry room for almost a month now this. God, I hate myself. I should've gone with her to see that they were alright. But no, I had to go apartment hunting today with my boyfriend and our room mate Mike. The Humane Society is going to call me later tonight hopefully, because they're going to do some tests and see if they are indeed sick. If they are there's nothing that can be done for them and they'll just put them down. I'm amazed I can even type right now, because I just can't stop crying. I'm wearing Persephone's collar as a bracelet right now and it just won't stop jingling but I can't take it off. I wish I had some money so I could go drink this away. I wish I had a car so I could just drive away somewhere alone. I wish I knew what was happening to them or how I could've helped them more. I wish I knew where they're going to wind up, or if they're just going to die. There is no god.