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The Dark
14 years ago
First off, auction!: http://www.furbuy.com/auctions/1021880.html? aucctionnnnn
~
Spent the day thinking. Also spent the day curled in a ball waiting for ibuprofin to kick in, but generally, spent the day in a ball, thinking. Mostly how I saw the world as a kid; I used to have these over-idealized visions back years ago how things would be in the future. How i'd grow. How i'd be as an adult. What i'd do. How that same world I saw then would be.... i dunno, better, more my own as someone who could fully function within it. I don't know what i was expecting, really. I didn't know what i'd see, but it was going to be...different. And I gotta say now, i'm pretty disappointed.
The world isn't different, it isn't new. For some reason I equated myself then with myself now as two different people. How future me would be more adapted, more, lol, normal, i guess. And the growth toward social normalcy, besides getting inducted into this furry cult, has been progressive in small ways, but issues still arise. I shake when I talk to someone I don't know. I have a hard time looking people in the eyes. Gabba gabba gabba, more trust issues. This isn't a pity journal, the pity train has not boarded. I have issues. Everyone has issues. This is not a new statement.
But it's almost like i'm let down. That future me is still so sickeningly young me. That the steps i've taken to change that have only helped in frighteningly small ways, that there ARE no steps to take to get any farther then the same mental intrepidation I've faced already. And it's like "Dude, what the shit?" You mean it STAYS like this?
I don't know what I was expecting. I don't know what big, bright shiny new changes would be around that this world would be so much better. I certainly don't wear as many business suits as 13 year old me thought, but best I can explain, it's like standing in about 4 inches of molasses. The effort of moving your feet is difficult, but you can take steps. The depth never goes any deeper, it's certainly not like suffocating, the surface underneath the molasses is walkable. In this sugary diabetic nightmare, you want to be something. That's life. You have a goal , and the steps towards that goal are slow, but walkable. You take a step. You take another. The effort is difficult, the strain and pull in just making that a reality takes a toll. It's difficult. And when you finally bring your head up proudly to show the world the changes you've made, you're still standing exactly where you were; and your entire field of vision is without a single landmark and it's all covered in about 4 inches of molasses.
That's what this feels like. That's exactly how I feel at this moment.
It's not a futility of life argument. Just because in your eyes it doesn't seem like you've gotten anywhere, doesn't mean you haven't moved. We all stutter in place, i mean, every single fricking last one of us is. But maybe it becomes a displacement of what we expect, what stupid aspirations we assume will come our way. Maybe it doesn't matter that we're stomping our feet in place, but the fact that we even try to move becomes that small victory, i'm not sure.
I've been this person all my life. Don't get cute with me on a "well duh" statement, but internally, I am the same...thing i was when I was 3, when I was 10, when I was 16 and what I am now. Same thoughts. Same conscious, same voice, eternally the same soul. If I live to be an old hag, I no longer doubt I'll be any different. I guess the regular, 70's esque advice would be to keep on trucking. Keep moving, even if we never stomp anywhere then were we are right now. It seems like as long as we keep that idea of a higher ground, of a goal in life, then we're not pissing it away. So maybe that's what this whole thing is all about.
~
Spent the day thinking. Also spent the day curled in a ball waiting for ibuprofin to kick in, but generally, spent the day in a ball, thinking. Mostly how I saw the world as a kid; I used to have these over-idealized visions back years ago how things would be in the future. How i'd grow. How i'd be as an adult. What i'd do. How that same world I saw then would be.... i dunno, better, more my own as someone who could fully function within it. I don't know what i was expecting, really. I didn't know what i'd see, but it was going to be...different. And I gotta say now, i'm pretty disappointed.
The world isn't different, it isn't new. For some reason I equated myself then with myself now as two different people. How future me would be more adapted, more, lol, normal, i guess. And the growth toward social normalcy, besides getting inducted into this furry cult, has been progressive in small ways, but issues still arise. I shake when I talk to someone I don't know. I have a hard time looking people in the eyes. Gabba gabba gabba, more trust issues. This isn't a pity journal, the pity train has not boarded. I have issues. Everyone has issues. This is not a new statement.
But it's almost like i'm let down. That future me is still so sickeningly young me. That the steps i've taken to change that have only helped in frighteningly small ways, that there ARE no steps to take to get any farther then the same mental intrepidation I've faced already. And it's like "Dude, what the shit?" You mean it STAYS like this?
I don't know what I was expecting. I don't know what big, bright shiny new changes would be around that this world would be so much better. I certainly don't wear as many business suits as 13 year old me thought, but best I can explain, it's like standing in about 4 inches of molasses. The effort of moving your feet is difficult, but you can take steps. The depth never goes any deeper, it's certainly not like suffocating, the surface underneath the molasses is walkable. In this sugary diabetic nightmare, you want to be something. That's life. You have a goal , and the steps towards that goal are slow, but walkable. You take a step. You take another. The effort is difficult, the strain and pull in just making that a reality takes a toll. It's difficult. And when you finally bring your head up proudly to show the world the changes you've made, you're still standing exactly where you were; and your entire field of vision is without a single landmark and it's all covered in about 4 inches of molasses.
That's what this feels like. That's exactly how I feel at this moment.
It's not a futility of life argument. Just because in your eyes it doesn't seem like you've gotten anywhere, doesn't mean you haven't moved. We all stutter in place, i mean, every single fricking last one of us is. But maybe it becomes a displacement of what we expect, what stupid aspirations we assume will come our way. Maybe it doesn't matter that we're stomping our feet in place, but the fact that we even try to move becomes that small victory, i'm not sure.
I've been this person all my life. Don't get cute with me on a "well duh" statement, but internally, I am the same...thing i was when I was 3, when I was 10, when I was 16 and what I am now. Same thoughts. Same conscious, same voice, eternally the same soul. If I live to be an old hag, I no longer doubt I'll be any different. I guess the regular, 70's esque advice would be to keep on trucking. Keep moving, even if we never stomp anywhere then were we are right now. It seems like as long as we keep that idea of a higher ground, of a goal in life, then we're not pissing it away. So maybe that's what this whole thing is all about.
I don't think any of us ever achieve what we think we're going to when we're younger. 9 times out of 10, it's far different, better, worse, but you would be suprised the number of people, myself included, who take where they are, and who they've become completely for granted, and not seeing how far they've gotten.
"It always costs more and takes longer then you origionally thought" - this is the mechanic's saying, and it applies to almost everything, even life.
To give a more personal example, when I was younger, I wanted to be like 'Doc Brown' from back to the future. I thought it was so cool to be the crazy inventor who made all kinds of neat things.
And now, years later, while I don't have a DeLorian parked in my garage, I /do/ have all kinds of other projects in various stages of completion. I do have a pretty neat set of tools that I make all sorts of things with, and I do work for myself, as basically 'that crazy engineer guy.'
I had to go through alot of steps and stages in my life to get where I am now. I suppose what I'm trying to say here is that there are times we get so comfortable with who and where we are, we don't see the changes that we've actually gone through.
Without a doubt, I have changed drastically from the way I used to be. Boring, even more heavily sheltered, the very purpose of my life dependent on getting rid of homework so I could beat the next video game, where the future meant nothing and other people meant nothing. I've noticed that by nature, I like to overcompensate for my shortcomings. I am very much different from who I was before. I'm a furry, I have a personal dream I wish to accomplish, my friends and mate are practically the center of my life, and my eyes are no longer shut to the world around me.
I also over-analyze the events of my life, and visualize hypothetical scenarios of what would've happened had I not missed precious opportunities. I constantly realize with great clarity that there's nothing I can do about them now. This is the point where repression would come in handy. I'm normally quite optimistic, until I start thinking >.>
I think unless you are one of those people that others always say "Oh, I envy your life" to, there are always going to be people who hate/find futile their life. (Bad grammar, yes)
Personally, after a night of keeping myself awake in sorrow, I came to realise a lot of things.
I might be unhappy with myself for every mistake I've made, but at the same time, I'm only human
I might not have the only girl I at the moment believe I will fall in love with, but I still have friends who actually mean a lot more to me then she ever will
And as much as I hate to admit it, although I pretty much detest everything I have to go through daily, I have to keep going for 2 individuals
1 Yourself, even if you psuedo-hate yourself like me
1 Those who care for you
I've lost a lot of friends over the years, people I honestly thought I could rely on, and be friends with for a long time, I've also been back-stabbed a lot, and lied to, used.
I finally realised who are the most important people to me.
And for me, they are the only ones who will ever matter.
I hope you can find something or someone that helps you continue to plod on deary.
*flings a gooey ball of molasses* MOLASSES FIGHT!
But seriously though, if you're disappointed with who you are or where you're heading, it's not that hard to change.
Could we possibly combine the molasses pool and the brick wall, see if we get some sort of bee-trap out of the thing?
Also dammit DA for your very hard to determine reply system.
I actually didn't post this fishing for compliments, but I do really appreciate it. :) I do want to write and get published, but there's about exactly 50 million little insecurities and other things that get in the way of that. I started a new blog to try to stoke those fires again, so...we'll see.
I posted it more to say, I haven't gone through exactly what you've gone through or in exactly the same way you've gone through it. But my dad was (is, prolly worse now) an alcoholic, and probably has undiagnosed anger and bipolar issues compounded on that. He was a very, very difficult person, "role model," to grow up around, and remains a difficult person to be near. When I visit for a few short hours he's happy to see "his daughter," but any time longer than that, then the old dynamics of any alcoholic/addiction family come into play. When I start to get berated with blame and shortcomings, etc. You know the drill.
Nothing is ever perfect, and I still get my lows, but I guess I posted all that to say there is a metaphorical light at the end of the metaphorical tunnel. Growing up that way endows you with a certain perspective on life and people that few other people have, it gives you a sense of observance most others don't have, it gives you an appreciation for those that do actually treat you well and it weathers you against the usual shit life throws at us in a way most others wouldn't be able to handle.
So while I do feel at times I'm rapidly diving with full ambition into the same molasses-stuck spot, there are definitely things I have and directions I will go that many others will never be able to experience. The whole, writing, thing, that's definitely something I have that few others have that's born directly out of growing up with...that. As I'm sure it may be for you, too.
Anyways, I offer my usual "hang in there"s, but it seems like you are fairly well. :) You can at least sleep at night knowing that outside of the usual outside pressures, you're doing something 100% for yourself, and a damn good job of it.
Could we possibly combine the molasses pool and the brick wall, see if we get some sort of bee-trap out of the thing?