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Sorry, More Angst and a Confession
15 years ago
General
Sorry. Normally I'd have a more private place to unload my cosmic angsting but they recently restructured and, in the process, I've apparently not been invited back there. Quel suprize', I think the term is..."What a surprise." I hate unloading in public, especially in a place supposedly for drawing people in to look at my GOOD stuff, but since I have nowhere else and, frankly, I tend to feel better afterward anyway...
So, going on two months off of the Cymbalta and, while the "brain zapps" have mostly stopped, it's sort of a mixed bag. While I stand by my decision to kick the stuff, it seems that what it was primarily doing, aside from making my chronic pain actually bearable, was dulling my emotions. So, basically, I'm STILL near-suicidally depressed, but I'm also really, REALLY PISSED OFF about everything...which, considering my high blood pressure and the increasingly apparent fact that not only has my neurochemical acrobatics this year completely killed my previously overclocked metabolism (I'm actually getting FAT now...to say that it's unsettling is something of an understatement), but it's apparently done a number on my heart to boot (my chest never stops hurting now, usually a dull echoey throb except on those rare occasions I'm not pissed off or depressed), is not good.
Not that I can actually afford to DO anything about it: I still haven't heard from my doctor about whether she actually followed up on what she said she was going to do, since the incompetent receptionists at the psychiatrists' office are incapable of handling even the slightest task. I was supposed to be put on "suicide watch," meaning someone from the office was supposed to call me at least once a week to make sure I' you know, didn't kill myself...no one has called, and when I called to leave a message for my doctor (and to polite remind them that they were supposed to be keeping me from eating a bullet), I was rudely told by the bitch on the line that she'd "bring it up at the staff meeting next Monday"...and that was two weeks ago. SO, yeah...and without that additional money, I can't afford to go to the doctor to get checked out, much less afford the "animal companion" I was prescribed to reduce my stress levels and, hopefully, keep me sane.
Meanwhile, my ex is planning for the five-week class in Spain that her Pell Grant, the same one I didn't get because I'm adult, white, and male, is paying for.
It's been like waking from a bad dream to find out that reality is worse. Part of me wants to go back on the drugs...if I'm doomed, I may as well not feel it, right?..but, y'know, if there IS any hope that I'm gonna pull out of this, I need to be able to see it and act on it, not fucking sleepwalk like I have been. It's just...I've gone from all-consuming depression to a little depression and all-consuming RAGE. All I seem to feel anymore is this unrelenting ANGER at how rotten my life has been, like an unending self-pity trip that I WANT off but EVERY train of thought I have leads back to it, like a toothache that slowly fills up your brain until it becomes your entire world...and, coincidentally, the constant, chronic body pain isn't helping in that, either. I almost want to go back on the Cymbalta because over-the-counter pain meds aren't cutting it anymore.
Even worse, I'm so frustrated about not being able to GET FUCKING ON WITH MY LIFE that it just feeds into the anger and makes things worse. Even my old trick of reminding myself of how many people out there have it so much worse than me, like fucking BILLIONS of people who would give their souls to be in my Hell instead of theirs, doesn't help anymore. It's almost feeling like paranoia sometimes, like the entire universe is geared towards grinding me down to a fucking nub, like my entire life exists for no reason except to see if someone who's basically decent can be turned into a monster...worse, the knowledge about how bad so many other people have it just makes me even more terrified to do anything because if I'm having this much trouble NOW, what about if things get WORSE?
It's like my soul is trying to pull free and I'm just stuck in this fucking loop. And that's not even getting into the gender issues...nothing like basing your entire identity on what you thought was fact and having it turn out you were completely WRONG.
Ffffffuuuu...OK, fuck it all, I may as well explain, since this was something I kept to myself and those at the "other place" I mentioned at the beginning of this rant: see, I've always had...issues with being male. Like I never thought I was supposed to BE one; all my life, looking in the mirror was like looking at a stranger, and all my efforts to be more "masculine" ended up total failures (except Ryan, but more on him later). Thing is, I never was able to put my finger on WHY I felt so off...I mean, I'm NOT gay, it's not that I find men particularly...OK, they're gross. I REALLY don't like looking at naked men, myself included. WHICH is what confused me: how could I be "a woman trapped in a man's body" if I was still straight? I always would just joke it off as being a lesbian trapped in a man's body...ha-ha, everybody laugh, right? My last therapist even diagnosed me as "clinically misandrist" due to this and my past problems with males, completely ignoring that I've had just as many issues with females. Turns out, THIS was where my facts were so off: about a year after the separation, a TG friend of mine online who, up to that point, actually thought I WAS female, pointed out to me that many male-to-female TGs start out lesbian and, after transitioning, most of them even STAY that way.
So, yeah...it turns out there was a perfectly "logical" reason for my lifetime of "never feeling like a male" all along, as it is, which solves one ongoing life issue...and uncorks a whole bunch of brand new ones. The whole reason I'm STAYING here is because I'm trying to be the kind of dad for Ryan that my own wasn't, to be a role model for him outside of the gun-toting, beer-swilling redneck fuckwads that populate this town...Hell, it's the only thing that's kept me from killing myself. The ONLY thing. How can I be a positive role model AND be true to myself?
That's not even TOUCHING on the normal issues a TG person (and I can't shake the feeling I'm getting the terminology wrong) has to face; I mean, there's a reason I've waited THIS long to come out to you people here, and I'm still expecting flames from all corners. Like I said before, I'm terrified, because if I'm having this many problems with my life as-is, what about if I come out to the world at large? TGs are, as a rule, DESPISED by what I've seen; every Day of Remembrance story I read feels like an indictment, like I should hide myself in, well, a closet and never show my face in public. I'm afraid to get to know people IRL because I can't handle being betrayed AGAIN...and what if I do come out? I'm 37 years old, over 6 feet tall, and balding. Yeah, I'll TOTALLY fool the public into believing I'm a woman...fuck, I can barely even make car payments, how am I going to even CONSIDER gender counseling, much less make any sort of transition, when I can't even afford a real therapist for my other issues? And if I thought I was lonely before, how about having the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD hating my ass for trying to be what I feel I should be but aren't? I doubt even the BEST plastic surgeons could make me a passable woman...Hell, they'd be hard-pressed to make me a halfway decent looking MALE, and I already HAVE all THOSE parts.
I don't know what to do. About ANYTHING. I despise looking at myself in the mirror for so many reasons, gender-based and not, and everything just feels so...big. Too big. Like it'll never get any better EVER...any of it. I don't want to feel this way, but I can't find a way out of any of it, and now my health is failing. I won't commit suicide, I'm sure of that...fuck, I'm too stubborn for that. It's not a solution anyway, just doing like my ex does and running from the problem.
I want to say "Help!"...but I have no one I can think of to say it to, and what could they do anyway? It's all on me...and God help me, I don't know what to do.
This will only be posted here, not at my deviantArt gallery. My family goes to that gallery, and I'm...not ready for THEM to know this. Any of this.
So, going on two months off of the Cymbalta and, while the "brain zapps" have mostly stopped, it's sort of a mixed bag. While I stand by my decision to kick the stuff, it seems that what it was primarily doing, aside from making my chronic pain actually bearable, was dulling my emotions. So, basically, I'm STILL near-suicidally depressed, but I'm also really, REALLY PISSED OFF about everything...which, considering my high blood pressure and the increasingly apparent fact that not only has my neurochemical acrobatics this year completely killed my previously overclocked metabolism (I'm actually getting FAT now...to say that it's unsettling is something of an understatement), but it's apparently done a number on my heart to boot (my chest never stops hurting now, usually a dull echoey throb except on those rare occasions I'm not pissed off or depressed), is not good.
Not that I can actually afford to DO anything about it: I still haven't heard from my doctor about whether she actually followed up on what she said she was going to do, since the incompetent receptionists at the psychiatrists' office are incapable of handling even the slightest task. I was supposed to be put on "suicide watch," meaning someone from the office was supposed to call me at least once a week to make sure I' you know, didn't kill myself...no one has called, and when I called to leave a message for my doctor (and to polite remind them that they were supposed to be keeping me from eating a bullet), I was rudely told by the bitch on the line that she'd "bring it up at the staff meeting next Monday"...and that was two weeks ago. SO, yeah...and without that additional money, I can't afford to go to the doctor to get checked out, much less afford the "animal companion" I was prescribed to reduce my stress levels and, hopefully, keep me sane.
Meanwhile, my ex is planning for the five-week class in Spain that her Pell Grant, the same one I didn't get because I'm adult, white, and male, is paying for.
It's been like waking from a bad dream to find out that reality is worse. Part of me wants to go back on the drugs...if I'm doomed, I may as well not feel it, right?..but, y'know, if there IS any hope that I'm gonna pull out of this, I need to be able to see it and act on it, not fucking sleepwalk like I have been. It's just...I've gone from all-consuming depression to a little depression and all-consuming RAGE. All I seem to feel anymore is this unrelenting ANGER at how rotten my life has been, like an unending self-pity trip that I WANT off but EVERY train of thought I have leads back to it, like a toothache that slowly fills up your brain until it becomes your entire world...and, coincidentally, the constant, chronic body pain isn't helping in that, either. I almost want to go back on the Cymbalta because over-the-counter pain meds aren't cutting it anymore.
Even worse, I'm so frustrated about not being able to GET FUCKING ON WITH MY LIFE that it just feeds into the anger and makes things worse. Even my old trick of reminding myself of how many people out there have it so much worse than me, like fucking BILLIONS of people who would give their souls to be in my Hell instead of theirs, doesn't help anymore. It's almost feeling like paranoia sometimes, like the entire universe is geared towards grinding me down to a fucking nub, like my entire life exists for no reason except to see if someone who's basically decent can be turned into a monster...worse, the knowledge about how bad so many other people have it just makes me even more terrified to do anything because if I'm having this much trouble NOW, what about if things get WORSE?
It's like my soul is trying to pull free and I'm just stuck in this fucking loop. And that's not even getting into the gender issues...nothing like basing your entire identity on what you thought was fact and having it turn out you were completely WRONG.
Ffffffuuuu...OK, fuck it all, I may as well explain, since this was something I kept to myself and those at the "other place" I mentioned at the beginning of this rant: see, I've always had...issues with being male. Like I never thought I was supposed to BE one; all my life, looking in the mirror was like looking at a stranger, and all my efforts to be more "masculine" ended up total failures (except Ryan, but more on him later). Thing is, I never was able to put my finger on WHY I felt so off...I mean, I'm NOT gay, it's not that I find men particularly...OK, they're gross. I REALLY don't like looking at naked men, myself included. WHICH is what confused me: how could I be "a woman trapped in a man's body" if I was still straight? I always would just joke it off as being a lesbian trapped in a man's body...ha-ha, everybody laugh, right? My last therapist even diagnosed me as "clinically misandrist" due to this and my past problems with males, completely ignoring that I've had just as many issues with females. Turns out, THIS was where my facts were so off: about a year after the separation, a TG friend of mine online who, up to that point, actually thought I WAS female, pointed out to me that many male-to-female TGs start out lesbian and, after transitioning, most of them even STAY that way.
So, yeah...it turns out there was a perfectly "logical" reason for my lifetime of "never feeling like a male" all along, as it is, which solves one ongoing life issue...and uncorks a whole bunch of brand new ones. The whole reason I'm STAYING here is because I'm trying to be the kind of dad for Ryan that my own wasn't, to be a role model for him outside of the gun-toting, beer-swilling redneck fuckwads that populate this town...Hell, it's the only thing that's kept me from killing myself. The ONLY thing. How can I be a positive role model AND be true to myself?
That's not even TOUCHING on the normal issues a TG person (and I can't shake the feeling I'm getting the terminology wrong) has to face; I mean, there's a reason I've waited THIS long to come out to you people here, and I'm still expecting flames from all corners. Like I said before, I'm terrified, because if I'm having this many problems with my life as-is, what about if I come out to the world at large? TGs are, as a rule, DESPISED by what I've seen; every Day of Remembrance story I read feels like an indictment, like I should hide myself in, well, a closet and never show my face in public. I'm afraid to get to know people IRL because I can't handle being betrayed AGAIN...and what if I do come out? I'm 37 years old, over 6 feet tall, and balding. Yeah, I'll TOTALLY fool the public into believing I'm a woman...fuck, I can barely even make car payments, how am I going to even CONSIDER gender counseling, much less make any sort of transition, when I can't even afford a real therapist for my other issues? And if I thought I was lonely before, how about having the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD hating my ass for trying to be what I feel I should be but aren't? I doubt even the BEST plastic surgeons could make me a passable woman...Hell, they'd be hard-pressed to make me a halfway decent looking MALE, and I already HAVE all THOSE parts.
I don't know what to do. About ANYTHING. I despise looking at myself in the mirror for so many reasons, gender-based and not, and everything just feels so...big. Too big. Like it'll never get any better EVER...any of it. I don't want to feel this way, but I can't find a way out of any of it, and now my health is failing. I won't commit suicide, I'm sure of that...fuck, I'm too stubborn for that. It's not a solution anyway, just doing like my ex does and running from the problem.
I want to say "Help!"...but I have no one I can think of to say it to, and what could they do anyway? It's all on me...and God help me, I don't know what to do.
This will only be posted here, not at my deviantArt gallery. My family goes to that gallery, and I'm...not ready for THEM to know this. Any of this.
I wish I could say more, I really honestly do... I'm honestly not sure what to say about the TG Stuff, though I can at least assure you that you being a friend far outweighs such things. I'm a Christian, and I respect an decision you choose to make, Heck.
As for the Anger problems... are you by any chance Bipolar?
And thanks for the support, man. It does mean a lot.
However, and I acknowledge that this is just my take on things (In other words - Uh, oh, impossible to talk about anything related to gender identity without offending someone's politics.) but... the less successful geeks also do a lot of confused running away, which their basic insecurities don't help any. And to me, the "Oh, I know, I must just be the wrong gender, so I should change that and it will solve things." conclusion that so many geeks arrive at just seems like another kind of running away from the real issues.
A secure person does not need to align themselves with someone else's idea of male or female identity and can stand on their own approach to it, accepting their supposedly feminine side, while also appreciating the masculine side...yet you seem worried about whether you fit in with the locals' supposedly beer swilling definition. For so many people, the gender bending thing is just another diversion from the real problems in their minds, no matter how "wrong" their current gender may feel sometimes. And I can't help but notice that you attach very, very, strong feelings of negative self worth to your interactions with women and your marriage, which raises the concern that your feelings of male inadequacy may have more to do with that than something more basic to yourself.
I have to add, with all due respect to TG people... have you seen some of them on forums and chat channels? Your friend aside, I see so many who are incredibly tortured, kind of psycho, and frankly, rather intolerant despite their own odd condition. I can't help but get the impression that many of these folks have problems that go a lot deeper than gender identity, and if I'm prejudiced for mentioning this, so be it. I've listened to borderline insane and screaming TG thread derailers for years, so I figure I have earned the right to at least make a casual observation that isn't meant to be a blanket statement - SOME TG people have pretty deep issues that the gender thing was just a side note of. And it would be a shame if you assumed that this avenue is a solution to deeper problems when maybe it isn't. After all, you thought drugs might help at one point too, and you see how that turned out.
Yes, I acknowledge I'm not an expert and not qualified to give a diagnosis. But then, neither are most of us on here, yet here we are babbling on the Internets. In b4 several posters angrily explain how ignorant of TG issues and complexities I am etc.
Also, I haven't even BEGUN to document all of the issues that have been throwing me off in regards to whether this is "right" or "wrong" for me...if this was something I could solve just by posting a journal about it on a fetish art site, I'd have spilled the beans long ago. I KNOW I need some kind of counseling if ONLY to figure out where my fucking head is at...I guess I just got caught up in the spirit of unburdening and possibly let one skeleton too many out of my closet. All I know is since having the one element I hung my entire masculine identity on, that my preference for females OBVIOUSLY meant my feelings of being in the wrong gender, body, whatever, were completely off-base, yanked away (and how pathetic a lie to base my gender identity on was that, anyway? I mean, come ON, am I REALLY that stupid..?), I haven't been able to shove it aside like I used to. The fact that, well, everything ELSE in my life is in upheaval, especially in regards to me being a failure at even the most basic elements of manhood (and having my ex tell me that she never thought of me as a man to begin with sure as Hell didn't complicate matters, oh Heavens no...) as well as the appearance of me seemingly being PERSECUTED in this town for being male (seriously, this is the ONLY apartment in town that will rent to divorced single males) has fucked with my shit in this regard to the point where I don't even know WHAT to think half the time about it.
The whole thing is, this ISN'T a solution...Hell, it's a BRAND FUCKING NEW collection of problems to deal with on top of everything else. Transitioning isn't a magic cure-all for me; in fact, by all appearances, acknowledging it will only make my life a hundred times WORSE. It's just, the more I try to shove it back where it was, the bigger and more terrifying it becomes, to the point of it keeping me from actually pursuing new relationships with people because I'm afraid of either "outing" myself wrongly or of "leading them on" and then springing THIS on them...but my loneliness and despair over whether I'm going to ever find, Hell, even just a fucking pal to occasionally hang out with even, much less a woman to love me, whatever I am, is becoming more and more pressing each year that passes. It's been FIVE YEARS since I've even LOOKED at another woman, much less had ANYTHING even look at me...and all that's happening is that I'm growing bitter and colder and more hateful with each passing day, like every drop of happiness has been wrung from me. I'm not saying jumping back into the dating pool is the answer to all my problems, but hiding up here in my apartment is just making things worse.
And if there's one word that will NEVER be used to describe you, Rave, it's "Ignorant."
so, you cast around looking for any "easy answer"* and strike onto something that would fit your issues fairly wellin this case, being a woman trapped in a man's body. it doesn't make your life any less shit but it would give you a nice pool of people ready to support you without question, and quite frankly what you need is positive reinforcement# so this seems great.
the problem is, that while you're not comfortable in your own body (PROTIP: noone actually ever is) your main sense of failing seems to stem more from your actions and their results rather than your self-image. you need to find something you can do that you can feel proud of and work from that to improve your life.
also, you could do with fate not knife-raping you for a while. which brings me to my second point- stop comparing your horrible state to otehr people's horrible state. you'll just make yourself feel guilty for trying to improve your life.
*hahahahaha, gender dimorphism easy! ahahah, i kill me. it's probably one of the top three hardest things to find your self identifying as. by comparison, being gay's like joining your local supermarket club.....
#oh gods, i'm talking to someone who needs positive reinforcement. me. please for the luvva mike don't off yourself on account of my endless aura of doom
All this stuff sucks, and I'd suggest (no really) getting into boxing. It can really help to get the venom out.
Also I was totally serious before about you messaging me f you need someone to talk to.