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The depression is taking over again, sorry Liz.
18 years ago
I am very unhappy right now. At first it was so minor I barely noticed it, but now it's definitely there and it's literally fucking me up inwardly and outwardly. I don't like going to SCAD, I thought it would grow on me, I realize this is the 4th week into the quarter, but no. I can't understand the assignments the teachers are giving us, my note taking skills are slow and the classes move really fast, my time management skills are poor, I feel fucking STUPID 90% of the time, and my smoking habit is getting way out of control. I even went through student services for advice and had to get a bunch of documentation from my LD testing from the past in order to drop on of my classes. Some people would say, "Wtf, it's not like you're in the 7th week and you're failing. You should have tried harder! Dropping a class this soon? WTF!" You don't know me, you really don't so shut your goddamn mouth. What's simple for some is extremely hard for others.
Yeah, this is one of those fucking DRAMA journals and you don't have to read it. In fact I wouldn't recommend reading this if you're okay with your life right now, or in a good mood. I've come to realize that I can be a pretty negative person IRL. I don't like being that way and I have been trying my best to change this about myself. I've been going to a psychologist for a couple of months, I have been making a point to put myself in social situations even though they TERRIFY me. I thought I was making progress, I thought "Hey, maybe I'm not crazy and I don't need to go on meds. I can work all this shit out!" But a few nerve-wracking weeks at SCAD have shot all of my efforts to HELL and now I am more depressed than I have ever been. I feel like I am out in the middle of a SCAD ocean DOG PADDLING and there aren't any rescue boats there to save me. I'm getting tired, I'm sinking..
I am having problems with my relationship throughout all this. This is one of the things that hurts the most. I don't know what I'd do without Natalie. I know she's fed up, I know that my bullshit is annoying, and I realize that she has her owns problems to deal with, so she doesn't need all my problems dumped on top of that. I want us to be okay, I want us to go out and do things together like we used to. I don't think she fully understands how I feel about college but I'm sure she's sick of hearing about it. She is yet another person on my list that I feel I would let down should I decide to leave SCAD. It's a long list and so many people have gone out on a limb for me so that I could attend. Letting them all down? Is that even an option?
Roughly 4 years ago I got accepted into ACA which later on got bought out by SCAD. I had to leave ACA within a month because my depression overwhelmed me and I had stated cutting myself and doing other stupid things. I met Natalie at Starbucks a few months later and joined the customer service ranks up until a few months ago. I was paying my own way, money was sometimes tight but I had an awesome girlfriend and we were THERE for eachother. I didn't have homework, I could draw whenever I wanted, short of being back at work the next scheduled day I WAS FREE.
I don't have that anymore, I can't sleep, drawing things that used to come easy to me is very difficult and uninspired. My stories and characters are dying a sad death. I know how some people feel about college BUT I FUCKING DON'T. I want out, I need to get out, I don't want to stick it out, fuck this shit. When people started overanalyzing my life and telling me, "Hey you draw but you're working at a Borders? That's wrong, you should be making at least 30-40 thousand dollars a year off your art so you need to go to college like EVERYONE ELSE IN YOUR FAMILY!"
I'm done, I'm not typing anymore and I'll probably erase this later today. I needed to vent. But congrats to the people that are doing well in college *thumbs up* Enjoy what you do and learn what you can. As for me, I think I shall go scream into my pillow for awhile, then go to student services and see about withdrawing from this godforsaken hell before I have those thoughts PEOPLE recommend you shouldn't have.
I'm sorry Natalie, Janel, Mom, Rachael, Amanda, Dad, Oma, Dr.Williams. I'm so sorry. I'm not who you think I am apparently. I am so very sorry.
Liz
Yeah, this is one of those fucking DRAMA journals and you don't have to read it. In fact I wouldn't recommend reading this if you're okay with your life right now, or in a good mood. I've come to realize that I can be a pretty negative person IRL. I don't like being that way and I have been trying my best to change this about myself. I've been going to a psychologist for a couple of months, I have been making a point to put myself in social situations even though they TERRIFY me. I thought I was making progress, I thought "Hey, maybe I'm not crazy and I don't need to go on meds. I can work all this shit out!" But a few nerve-wracking weeks at SCAD have shot all of my efforts to HELL and now I am more depressed than I have ever been. I feel like I am out in the middle of a SCAD ocean DOG PADDLING and there aren't any rescue boats there to save me. I'm getting tired, I'm sinking..
I am having problems with my relationship throughout all this. This is one of the things that hurts the most. I don't know what I'd do without Natalie. I know she's fed up, I know that my bullshit is annoying, and I realize that she has her owns problems to deal with, so she doesn't need all my problems dumped on top of that. I want us to be okay, I want us to go out and do things together like we used to. I don't think she fully understands how I feel about college but I'm sure she's sick of hearing about it. She is yet another person on my list that I feel I would let down should I decide to leave SCAD. It's a long list and so many people have gone out on a limb for me so that I could attend. Letting them all down? Is that even an option?
Roughly 4 years ago I got accepted into ACA which later on got bought out by SCAD. I had to leave ACA within a month because my depression overwhelmed me and I had stated cutting myself and doing other stupid things. I met Natalie at Starbucks a few months later and joined the customer service ranks up until a few months ago. I was paying my own way, money was sometimes tight but I had an awesome girlfriend and we were THERE for eachother. I didn't have homework, I could draw whenever I wanted, short of being back at work the next scheduled day I WAS FREE.
I don't have that anymore, I can't sleep, drawing things that used to come easy to me is very difficult and uninspired. My stories and characters are dying a sad death. I know how some people feel about college BUT I FUCKING DON'T. I want out, I need to get out, I don't want to stick it out, fuck this shit. When people started overanalyzing my life and telling me, "Hey you draw but you're working at a Borders? That's wrong, you should be making at least 30-40 thousand dollars a year off your art so you need to go to college like EVERYONE ELSE IN YOUR FAMILY!"
I'm done, I'm not typing anymore and I'll probably erase this later today. I needed to vent. But congrats to the people that are doing well in college *thumbs up* Enjoy what you do and learn what you can. As for me, I think I shall go scream into my pillow for awhile, then go to student services and see about withdrawing from this godforsaken hell before I have those thoughts PEOPLE recommend you shouldn't have.
I'm sorry Natalie, Janel, Mom, Rachael, Amanda, Dad, Oma, Dr.Williams. I'm so sorry. I'm not who you think I am apparently. I am so very sorry.
Liz
Aside from the artificial worth employers put into a college degree (outside of an art-related job, where the portfolio is really all that matters), there's not much advantage in getting a degree. The most anyone will ever learn is in a figure drawing class, which you can find outside of a college at a much more reasonable price.
The collegiate system is broken, anyway. There are a few chips on my shoulder about college, can you tell?
DON'T DESPAIR DARLING :C
Depression is a tough thing... It's not well understood and the standard practice of medications may or may not be the best. If you ever want to talk about that from a more technical route (like aspects of depression and what works and doesn't, tips, tricks, experiences) I'm all ears. I may not know how to help or have definitive answers but I've made observations and learned a few things that may benefit you (I've struggled with depression since I was a little kid and I've tried a lot of different thing, I'm staunchly refusing medications - for the last few years- for the sake of seeing if it can be beat or dealt with other ways, blablabla...)
And the whole "you should go to school and make a zillion bucks and sell art and blah blah blah" fits into any number of ideas and rants I've been having lately. I could get all philosophical on your ass about these things... But what it all boils down to is I could go finish my paralegal program and head that route or continue to work at a comic book store where I scrape by but am a lot happier and I get to be myself (priceless). As long as I can work an enjoyable job and not be in financial trouble, I'd just assume do that... I think that sort of thing is a really personal choice (barring your financial situation dictating you having to do something differently) and it comes back to that thing I said about doing what works for you.
Anyways, sorry for the banter but I feel for you. I really hope things go better. *hugs*
Hang in there, I'm sure things will be okay <3
If it's too hard for you now, it's probably not going to get easier and some instructors are just terrible. I've had amazing ones and ones that couldn't teach for crap... So if you can learn it on your own the class is fine but everyone else is doomed...
Again, do what you have to and don't let anyone make you feel bad for it. It happens and even if it sucks it's not the end of the world and in many cases can be an intelligent decision.
I'm fucking horrible at remembering shit, and math escapes me. If you teach me it, I'll learn it- but like hell I'll remember it when we go on to the next subject.
I can't even fucking divide without looking over past notes I took from classes.
But, what I think would probably help you in this sort of situation is probably medication- just to keep you on an even level.
Because I know I hate it when I suddenly just drop down into the most depressing fucked up mood ever for no reason- and you just feel like crying. But, I never had any medication actually work for me (mostly because my last doctor was a fucking idiot) and to be honest I don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow, let alone 20 minutes from now.
College is tough, I know that. I saw what it was like for my mother, and she burned herself out from just focusing into everything so much. Difference between her and me is that she works hard to get what she wants- she aims high. I just do enough just to pass by, unless I'm actually interested in the subject.
One thing you gotta do is just be honest to everyone- yeah, it's hard, but in order to be able to get help, or to help yourself is to let yourself unload not on the internet, but to a real person- your doctor could probably help you, and even family. Stress is horrible, and if you just drop out of college you might regret it for the rest of your life.
I know it's tough, and I know how it feels to think you're stupid when everyone else is doing fine- if the teacher goes to fast, speak up. If you're having problems, stay after and talk to the teacher.
If you show effort in that you WANT this, then they'll know you're not some punk-ass kid who doesn't give a shit if they're here or not. I think that's the only reason why I graduated.
Sorry for the essay- but hey, life fucking sucks when you have these problems. And it sucks more when people don't understand.
Luckily I gots sometin' to say to you missy.
I'm 22 and in my 4th year at college. First year, my animation portfolio sucked ass and I wasn't omitted in. I took and passed a 1-year FAD course, second year I failed multimedia design, 3rd year I got in and failed 1st year animation, was fucked over in 4th year and couldn't get back into animation... and now I'm at it again for year 5 1st year animation.
Here's the point. Don't let anyone fuck with you and your dreams. You can give up now but don't give it up for the rest of your life. You are NOT a bad student or artist, NO!! I barely passed anything in school, high school and college, but I'm still not giving up. Everyone said I wouldn't make it, but I fucking roved them wrong! And I'll STILL keep going, no matter what shit anyone says about me or my art, no matter how much I struggle in life, and I'll fucking show them all what I can do. And you better too!! DON'T give up your life and your dreams. If that shitass college tells you those pathetic lies, they're a worthless bunch of fucks. Screw reputation, go to another school if you have to, learn what you need to, and show the entire world how much fucking ass you can kick!!
*confidence buttkick of DOOM!!*
I could also tell you that if you feel like quiting SCAD,going somewhere else that could be also just as well.
I could tell you that you know what,it's understandable what you're going through.You think college may inspire you to create,improve a few skills or techniques,teach you something new you never thought you could put your talents towards and then it turns into a soul sucking descent into abyssal depression. I know quite well what you're going through. I've watched folks who used to be great artists what academics,stress,and fianical issues pretty much deprive them of any joy for picking up a pencil. College does that to folks,either nowaday it breaks you or you ship yourself off as a professional to the industry,now making a product for the market instead of maybe pursuing what one would say a "traditional" artistic path.
Not to mention the pressures of friends and family alike to try and make you undergo a process to boost your reputation or possible credentials is also a lead weight on a one's mind.
All I can say love is take a breather;have some quiet time for yourself to think about what you should do,have a drink,smoke,or whatever and remember..if you don't like what you're doing and you're just suffering trying to accomplish the expectations of others,is it really worth the time,energy,blood,sweat and tears if you're not going to benefit from the end result?