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My anxiety. Let me tell you about it.
14 years ago
You know, using LJ was probably one of the healthier habits I had back in college. I could vent, and people could leave feedback. Or they could insult me and ragequit (haha). But just being in touch with people made my life a lot easier. Currently I have no real outlets, you know? I don't talk with my coworkers due to lack of common interests, all of my friends back home are 1800 miles away, my local friends must think Sema and I live in another state or something, and we aren't involved with any sports or groups or clubs or anything. So basically it's near-constant isolation. Or it least it feels like that.
I've been putting myself under a lot of stress lately. I have absolutely nothing to complain about, but I've conditioned myself mentally to be in such a state that I'm a wreck. Let me count my blessings: I have a MS degree in computer science- one of the most desirable fields as far as compensation versus working conditions. I own a house, I can afford it, I have zero debt, and I have extra to have fun with. I have a kickass wife, Sema, and four pretty cool dogs, and a bearded dragon, and they are full of love and hearts and dog food. I have a fun side business that allows me to make extra cash for vacations or emergencies. And I am pretty healthy except for some wicked allergies and broken balls. But there are meds for that I'm not trying to brag, but sometimes I take all that for granted. Seriously.
I'm not sure if it's how I was raised, or just a personality trait, but I have some problems. For one, I am extremely sensitive. I make "mountains out of molehills", you could say. Whenever somebody criticizes me, I beat myself up over it. I'll replay the situation in my head over and over, usually for at least the rest of the day. Even internet trolls get to me, that's how ridiculous I am. I can tell myself all I want that they're "probably just basement-dwelling pimple-poppers" but it doesn't help. One time in grade school I was goofing off at recess and was told I had detention the next day. I mysteriously got sick overnight. To this day I swear it was self-induced. Basically, under normal circumstances I can't let stuff "roll off my back".
That's why I mention my upbringing. Whenever I did something wrong, I was rightfully punished. The sentences were never very severe, and my parents were never abusive in the slightest, but the verbal reprimands were pretty psychologically intense. It was how things were said. Not an actual example, but this is about how it would go: "What were you thinking? There is absolutely no excuse for this behavior. Now they have to go get a new covering for their light, and every time they see it, they'll think of what you did." That actually might be my internal monologue, though. haha. But never ever did I hear "Well, just try not to do that again. No big deal, they'll get over it." Does that even make sense?
This conditioned me to be a very rigid rule-follower (for the most part). I am paranoid of breaking rules, even accidentally, or upsetting people, because it hurts so damn bad. Another side effect is that I am very passive, shy, and submissive/non-confrontational. I am also very slow "on my feet", so arguments go extremely poorly. This doesn't help with my work, because I'm constantly being told to be more assertive. I'd rather not! Then that leads to what's happened for the last three months: I shy away from pestering people to complete their work that needs to come to me, then I get in trouble because my work isn't done. Oh bother.
Speaking of work, that has always been a source of anxiety, sort of. My first job was at a grocery store, I worked evenings after school. The timing worked out that I would get home, then my mom would get home, and then I'd go to my job. It wasn't really an issue except for the fact that she was constantly asking me when I needed to go in- I knew my schedule, but constantly being reminded of having to leave really ruined the free time I had between school and work, you know? Fortunately my current job is flexible, so I can go in whenever the hell I want so long as I make my hours. Like today, I showed up four hours late and nobody even asked where I had been.
On a side note, my neurotic behavior really started to appear in college. I enjoyed college, because I really am better off independent- I know how to take care of myself and such, which is probably why moving out and living on my own was so easy. I gave it a "good effort" my first semester, ended up getting pretty high grades. From then on, I made it an effort to maintain very high grades, with the promise of "work hard now and you'll get a high paying job later on". During my undergrad four years, I had 5 out of 8 semesters with perfect grades, and I think once in grad school. It wasn't such a big deal in the beginning, but by the end of school, I almost could not function in anticipation finals. Funny thing, though- once I sat down to take the test I was perfectly fine. I got the 'dream job' but it cost me my mental health, I guess.
The other behavior that was ingrained in me was that "you're getting paid to work, so you work", as in a strict adherence to all policies and an intense focus on the task at hand. In other words, no screwing around or relaxing. So when I'm at work, I am paranoid I'll be criticized for answering a text message or checking my email on my phone. I doubt anyone really gives a shit, but I have this constant worry that I'm surrounded by tattle-tales.
It doesn't help that at every job I've ever had, I'm constantly thinking about what I'd rather be doing. The only time it's never been an issue was during my stint as a Teaching Assistant in college, probably because my responsibilities were so minimal and well defined. Once your task is done, you're done; none of this "you have to dawdle here for X hours" bullshit.
Needless to say, this wears me down. I sit in a chair at work for eight hours, plus 30 minutes each way for a commute, and I'm exhausted just from stress. I come home, worry about how the next day will be filled with self-inflicted stress, and then complain that I never get anything 'productive' done. Seriously.
If I try to complain to my parents about it, they tell me that that's life. Well duh, but at least tell me how to deal with it in a healthy manner. The two only defenses tactics I have to deal with the above are superiority complex and indifference. I can't pretend to be superior to anyone at work, since I'm one of the youngest in the entire building, and I'm still near the bottom of the totem pole even after two years (that should tell you something about my work...). It's not like high school where you're older and bigger than most people as you progress through the years. Indifference doesn't work because if I lose/quit this job, there aren't a lot of other reasonable options out there. Anywhere else I work will probably offer me less money or make me drive farther. Relocating around the valley is also undesirable because our house is so cool (plus the stupid new homeowner tax credit baloney agreement...) So my only option is to tear myself apart.
It's just like that saying about how the grass is greener. If you could simply jump into my life right now, you'd tell me I was absolutely insane for being such a sadsack all the time, but if you went through what I put myself through... well, nah, you'd still probably say the same thing, haha.
Any advice would be welcome, but not expected. It's pretty tl;dr but that's how I roll. I'll probably be mentioning this to my therapist next week.
I should write more stuff like this, I feel better already.
I've been putting myself under a lot of stress lately. I have absolutely nothing to complain about, but I've conditioned myself mentally to be in such a state that I'm a wreck. Let me count my blessings: I have a MS degree in computer science- one of the most desirable fields as far as compensation versus working conditions. I own a house, I can afford it, I have zero debt, and I have extra to have fun with. I have a kickass wife, Sema, and four pretty cool dogs, and a bearded dragon, and they are full of love and hearts and dog food. I have a fun side business that allows me to make extra cash for vacations or emergencies. And I am pretty healthy except for some wicked allergies and broken balls. But there are meds for that I'm not trying to brag, but sometimes I take all that for granted. Seriously.
I'm not sure if it's how I was raised, or just a personality trait, but I have some problems. For one, I am extremely sensitive. I make "mountains out of molehills", you could say. Whenever somebody criticizes me, I beat myself up over it. I'll replay the situation in my head over and over, usually for at least the rest of the day. Even internet trolls get to me, that's how ridiculous I am. I can tell myself all I want that they're "probably just basement-dwelling pimple-poppers" but it doesn't help. One time in grade school I was goofing off at recess and was told I had detention the next day. I mysteriously got sick overnight. To this day I swear it was self-induced. Basically, under normal circumstances I can't let stuff "roll off my back".
That's why I mention my upbringing. Whenever I did something wrong, I was rightfully punished. The sentences were never very severe, and my parents were never abusive in the slightest, but the verbal reprimands were pretty psychologically intense. It was how things were said. Not an actual example, but this is about how it would go: "What were you thinking? There is absolutely no excuse for this behavior. Now they have to go get a new covering for their light, and every time they see it, they'll think of what you did." That actually might be my internal monologue, though. haha. But never ever did I hear "Well, just try not to do that again. No big deal, they'll get over it." Does that even make sense?
This conditioned me to be a very rigid rule-follower (for the most part). I am paranoid of breaking rules, even accidentally, or upsetting people, because it hurts so damn bad. Another side effect is that I am very passive, shy, and submissive/non-confrontational. I am also very slow "on my feet", so arguments go extremely poorly. This doesn't help with my work, because I'm constantly being told to be more assertive. I'd rather not! Then that leads to what's happened for the last three months: I shy away from pestering people to complete their work that needs to come to me, then I get in trouble because my work isn't done. Oh bother.
Speaking of work, that has always been a source of anxiety, sort of. My first job was at a grocery store, I worked evenings after school. The timing worked out that I would get home, then my mom would get home, and then I'd go to my job. It wasn't really an issue except for the fact that she was constantly asking me when I needed to go in- I knew my schedule, but constantly being reminded of having to leave really ruined the free time I had between school and work, you know? Fortunately my current job is flexible, so I can go in whenever the hell I want so long as I make my hours. Like today, I showed up four hours late and nobody even asked where I had been.
On a side note, my neurotic behavior really started to appear in college. I enjoyed college, because I really am better off independent- I know how to take care of myself and such, which is probably why moving out and living on my own was so easy. I gave it a "good effort" my first semester, ended up getting pretty high grades. From then on, I made it an effort to maintain very high grades, with the promise of "work hard now and you'll get a high paying job later on". During my undergrad four years, I had 5 out of 8 semesters with perfect grades, and I think once in grad school. It wasn't such a big deal in the beginning, but by the end of school, I almost could not function in anticipation finals. Funny thing, though- once I sat down to take the test I was perfectly fine. I got the 'dream job' but it cost me my mental health, I guess.
The other behavior that was ingrained in me was that "you're getting paid to work, so you work", as in a strict adherence to all policies and an intense focus on the task at hand. In other words, no screwing around or relaxing. So when I'm at work, I am paranoid I'll be criticized for answering a text message or checking my email on my phone. I doubt anyone really gives a shit, but I have this constant worry that I'm surrounded by tattle-tales.
It doesn't help that at every job I've ever had, I'm constantly thinking about what I'd rather be doing. The only time it's never been an issue was during my stint as a Teaching Assistant in college, probably because my responsibilities were so minimal and well defined. Once your task is done, you're done; none of this "you have to dawdle here for X hours" bullshit.
Needless to say, this wears me down. I sit in a chair at work for eight hours, plus 30 minutes each way for a commute, and I'm exhausted just from stress. I come home, worry about how the next day will be filled with self-inflicted stress, and then complain that I never get anything 'productive' done. Seriously.
If I try to complain to my parents about it, they tell me that that's life. Well duh, but at least tell me how to deal with it in a healthy manner. The two only defenses tactics I have to deal with the above are superiority complex and indifference. I can't pretend to be superior to anyone at work, since I'm one of the youngest in the entire building, and I'm still near the bottom of the totem pole even after two years (that should tell you something about my work...). It's not like high school where you're older and bigger than most people as you progress through the years. Indifference doesn't work because if I lose/quit this job, there aren't a lot of other reasonable options out there. Anywhere else I work will probably offer me less money or make me drive farther. Relocating around the valley is also undesirable because our house is so cool (plus the stupid new homeowner tax credit baloney agreement...) So my only option is to tear myself apart.
It's just like that saying about how the grass is greener. If you could simply jump into my life right now, you'd tell me I was absolutely insane for being such a sadsack all the time, but if you went through what I put myself through... well, nah, you'd still probably say the same thing, haha.
Any advice would be welcome, but not expected. It's pretty tl;dr but that's how I roll. I'll probably be mentioning this to my therapist next week.
I should write more stuff like this, I feel better already.
Longest thing I've read in a long while. (and yes, I do think you're insane haha. I'd kill to be even just in the monitary position you're in)
However, any coping advice I can give. Hummm....
Try to talk to more people, even if it's just online, get into roleplaying, or SL, or somesuch where you're always in touch with other people to some extent. Find ways to vent and get your feelings out, and find understanding supportive (but not the coddling type) people. I have never been super independent, but at the same time if I want to get something done, I'll get up from what I'm doing and fucking do it right then and there. It's for the weirdest shit too >.>;
But yea talking to more people, trying to get yourself out of the beating yourself up mentality would help a lot too. Then again it's almost 3am, and I'm probably babbing in an incoherent manner. And this is stuff you've more than likely heard 1 million times before.
The one thing I hear from the whole big thing is externalized motivation versus internalized. You're external now, being pushed rather than driven from the inside pushing and living life on purpose.
This does NOT mean you need to find a fire inside brighter than the crap that's shoving you along. You'll die if you try that. For me, I needed to separate, separate, separate myself from things which pushed me about.
Later, I realized anyone who pushed me around was, well, acting in their own self interest, and not respecting my boundaries.
Don't hear this the wrong way, but I hear some immaturity here too. You're allowing other people's immature actions come deep inside you, and you not protecting yourself from that is immature. Kinda like really being hurt by a 5-year-old's plastic toy axe.
One book which helped me on this was Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-No.....253&sr=1-1
I've worked intensively to grow myself up out of that kind of stuff. IT"S NOT EASY to do, but it is easy to say. It's not easy to see too. Once I separated myself, I realized better what should be separated and what should be let in. A bad behavior on other people's part became a violation of my trust, which meant they will not earn my trust back, probably forever. That doesn't mean hate or revenge, it just means until they resolve their own struggles so that they're not going to try to harm me, I won't let them near me, and they're going to have to work hard to convince me to let them near me.
I'm looking back at your parents' advice and actions too. My parents got a 5,000 word letter in January of 2010 essentially saying "if you contact me before January 1 2012 I will hire a family lawyer and disown you." They were control-freaks.
Ah! Another book that helped me: http://www.amazon.com/Control-Freak.....103&sr=1-1
When most people encounter a control freak, they are shocked, asking "why are you trying to order me around?" say tsk tsk and walk away. When you're born inside the influence of one, it's a cloud that takes years to shake off. It wasn't easy for me to do, but it's my primary struggle, and I think I'm over the hardest parts.
Hope this helps.