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*sobs*
14 years ago
General
It's time for another 4am journal from Mavu. This is another one in my 'trial and tribulations of being a not very good FtM transgender' series. Warning, TMI might ensue. I don't know, but it might, so yeah.
It's sort of rough on me, being part of
ftmb, since they more often than anyone, remind me of all of the more successful men than me, when I haven't even taken the very first step, unless you count coming to the realization that this is what ha just s always felt 'off' about me as the first step. I dress like a woman, walk like a woman, talk like a woman, while acting like a man and making an attempt to look sort of more 'masculine'.
Which just makes me come off as a butch. Not that I have anything wrong with butches, other than the fact that if they have a body type like me, they get hit on by men just the same. And I don't like straight men. I just don't. Generally I find that they disgust me in their mannerisms, and the thought of being with them the way that they would want to just drives home the fact.
I want to go to clubs where I could meet people, or meet people online or something, because honestly, I'm coming into the point in my life where I'd prefer NOT to be FOREVER ALONE. It doesn't even have to do with the sex that much, just having someone around to play the girlfriend or something would be nice. Someone who would be there for me, treat me with respect, be someone I can confide in and just be around would be nice, and while I have my friend Tsuki, she isn't someone I can really... I dunno... touch. I like kissing and hugging and just sort of leaning on people, but for one, she's into ACTUAL men *sobs v.v*, and for two, she isn't particularly okay with touching anyway.
I just constantly feel lonely. I'm used to having so many friends. I don't mind not being in a relationship when I have a large group of friends to hang out with whenever I'm off work, but lately, it's just been Tsuki half of the time and the other half I'm locked in my room, staring at the computer screen or the ceiling. :P
I miss having bunches of friends and opportunities to go out to places where it's fairly likely I'll meet people of my age group with my sorts of tastes. This place seems so sterile and full of older people :C I miss Savannah, and I miss Portland.
In other news, I might get a new job(Yay? It's Dunkin Donuts. More fast food type bullshit), and I bought FF Dissidia Duodecim today, so I'm kind of in an okay mood. But then all these stupid thoughts kept happening. :I
It's sort of rough on me, being part of
ftmb, since they more often than anyone, remind me of all of the more successful men than me, when I haven't even taken the very first step, unless you count coming to the realization that this is what ha just s always felt 'off' about me as the first step. I dress like a woman, walk like a woman, talk like a woman, while acting like a man and making an attempt to look sort of more 'masculine'. Which just makes me come off as a butch. Not that I have anything wrong with butches, other than the fact that if they have a body type like me, they get hit on by men just the same. And I don't like straight men. I just don't. Generally I find that they disgust me in their mannerisms, and the thought of being with them the way that they would want to just drives home the fact.
I want to go to clubs where I could meet people, or meet people online or something, because honestly, I'm coming into the point in my life where I'd prefer NOT to be FOREVER ALONE. It doesn't even have to do with the sex that much, just having someone around to play the girlfriend or something would be nice. Someone who would be there for me, treat me with respect, be someone I can confide in and just be around would be nice, and while I have my friend Tsuki, she isn't someone I can really... I dunno... touch. I like kissing and hugging and just sort of leaning on people, but for one, she's into ACTUAL men *sobs v.v*, and for two, she isn't particularly okay with touching anyway.
I just constantly feel lonely. I'm used to having so many friends. I don't mind not being in a relationship when I have a large group of friends to hang out with whenever I'm off work, but lately, it's just been Tsuki half of the time and the other half I'm locked in my room, staring at the computer screen or the ceiling. :P
I miss having bunches of friends and opportunities to go out to places where it's fairly likely I'll meet people of my age group with my sorts of tastes. This place seems so sterile and full of older people :C I miss Savannah, and I miss Portland.
In other news, I might get a new job(Yay? It's Dunkin Donuts. More fast food type bullshit), and I bought FF Dissidia Duodecim today, so I'm kind of in an okay mood. But then all these stupid thoughts kept happening. :I
After moving around as much as I did, I'd rather live in the ghetto than suburbia. :I It's nice to know I have some trans friends on FA though, it makes coping a little bit easier. :) Thank you.
Anyway, I just hope I can come into some money soon, since the transition is fairly expensive. I just wish I had figured for non-surgical changes, like the hormone therapy and the psychologist I know I'll need x.x I've been thinking about donating eggs, though I hear you have to be in peak physical condition and it's a six-month-long process to get it done, nevermind the giant waiting list.
I just figure that for anywhere between $3000 and $10000 a pop, I should just waste my eggs >.>
The opperations are expensive.. as hell x.x and I do hope you can get the money for them dear, I really do =( *Gives his cheek a comforting kiss* Things will get better as time passes~ I was 100% alone about my condition till about 1 and a half years ago =I and so far, I've only come out to the FA community really~ *Sigh* Anywho, I won't depress you with my situation, as I can manage with the help of my friends here :) *Hugs* I hope things will get better for you hun~ =)
I used to have alot of RL friends.. now I only have two that live so far away from me, so its hard to see them cause I still cant drive. I miss all the places i used to live. :C So I can understand that. congrats on the new job! Thats allways a good thing, you can meet new people in the work place :3
If I were in the area, I would drive you places. It is my designated role unless alcohol is involved, then someone else has to do the driving >.>
And any friends are good friend :3 I agree, i love all my friend like they are family. I miss going out too :C
I've spent most of my days sitting in my living room on my netbook and just talking to people on the web. :/ So i can feel ya there, I know that feeling.
If you have a Skype or a yahoo, or even AIM, Im quite a talker XD; I love socializing, so feel free to add me :3 <3 *hugs*
I dont drink so your good there XD;
My AIM is SurpriseMavu. I forget whether it is one word or two, but most people get it D: Also I NOTICED YOU DO XBOX and I am In5ovietRussia on Live if you do the Live thing. I dunno if I have any games you do, but I sometimes get on and stick my headset on just to chat while I play Castle Crashers or Fable :B *dork*
I play alot of different games, Im colddaymemories on the Xbox
And Im Kakuzu Luv Money on AIM (old name XD; )
*DERPDERP*
Besides, I like women, and chasing cougars doesn't appeal to me.
And don't call me paranoid. I don't much appreciate it. Everyone has reasons for feeling the way they feel and it doesn't mean you have some sort of irrational fear, so don't jump to conclusions from a couple of simple sentences.
The only thing I left out would be 'lots and lots of sex without repercussions'.
I'm too kinda starting to feel it'd be fun to have someone to date, idk, just :I
And I'm not entirely sure about my sexuality, but for now I think I'm something like pan or bi. So confusinggg. Never really loved someone, just had small crushes. I've gone out with 2 guys, first started when I was on FIRST grade of elementary XD It kept going till 4th, but still, I think of it only as first crush, not love. Second was on ninth grade and lasted like... 1 week. :I Since he lied to me from the start, I cut it right there.
Meh, "somebody to love" is playing in my mind currently Cx
My first was in 8th grade and it lasted throughout the summer until ninth grade hit, and then some odd relationships in high school, then my first girlfriend once I graduated HS, then later I got a boyfriend in college, though I've been wanting a girl ever since :/
Don't worry you'll find the right girl, more than just a girlfriend. Even pre op you'll be her man and when she introduces you she will say my boyfriend. I imagine when your sexin' she'll imagine the strap-on is your wiener just the same as you. You'll love and be loved.
Chances are you will have set backs and after years of working your ass off to put aside money for surgery, life will happen and you'll have to spend it. There will be soul crushing depression, but those bad times give the perspective you need to appreciate the good times. Just remember that every sunset we experience brings with it a promise of a sunrise.
You've really made me feel a lot better, even though you might think you said things I should know already. Any little support really helps ;u;
Finding the right best friend and yiff partner is really important because of instincts; I'd be willing to bet that only a bi guy or gal is going to work, because you have aspects of both male and female.
Forget about waiting in your tower; that is what Rapunzell did. You are a guy between the ears - and that means that you have an unavoidable responsibility to hunt for the partner that you want. Get off your ass and go hunting! There are plenty of bi guys and gals out there.
Feel free to experiment with male hormones, but beware of two serious potential problems:
1) The orally active anabolic steroids such as 17-methyl-testosterone are quite liver toxic. Don't go there. Do feel free to take 100 mg. per day orally of DHEA, dehydroepiandrosterone. If won't hurt your liver and will probably lift your spirits. It is cheap and legal - you can buy it and read about it here:
http://search.lef.org/search/default.aspx?s=1&QUERY=dhea
2) If you start to take testosterone or an analog of it, beware of its proclivity to promote unexpected risk taking. You will have to be wary about things like driving drunk, getting into fights, and jumping off of roofs on dares. Seriously! It would be easy for you to see these changes in someone else, but far more difficult for you to see them in yourself. If you decide to use male hormones, the safest by far (and the most natural) is ordinary testosterone. You do NOT have to inject it, even though it is mostly destroyed by the liver when taken orally. Make a 1% solution of testosterone in coconut oil, and apply 5 - 10 mg. per day to your anal mucosa. This route of administration bypasses liver catabolism and will give you normal adult male serum levels of both testosterone and dihydrotestosterone. You do NOT need expensive surgery to be a guy; that is between your ears far more than between your legs. At least try the DHEA. I also recommend the topical testosterone solution. You will need a doctor's prescription for the latter because the Drug War Nazis have listed testosterone as a controlled substance.
Good fortune! *HUGS*
The worst part is that I don't know how to get the doctor's prescription. I know there are gender therapists and such, but nothing in the area and I'm REAL low on cash. XP
A clitoral release is a very simple and nearly foolproof operation, so an overseas bargain job wouldn't be too risky - just check out before and after photos of the surgeon's previous work and make sure that the sterile procedures are good.
Testosterone is cheap with a prescription. Check your local transgendered/gay/bi helpline for sympathetic physicians. A 10 mg. per day scrip isn't going to get a doctor in trouble with the narks - that is far below a bodybuilding dose. Any compounding pharmacy can make up a 1% topical testosterone solution in coconut oil.
The topical testosterone is a prescription drug. It will make your clit grow. Hyenas have the very best ones.
You can have a lot of fun with that 1% testosterone dissolved in coconut oil prescription without the risk and expense of surgery. Any doctor can legally prescribe it (and won't get in trouble with the narks with a 5-10 mg. per day prescription), and any compounding pharmacy could make it. It would increase your between-the-ears maleness (as well as your between-the-legs maleness), so be cautious about increased risk taking and impulsiveness.
Don't focus on passing. Focus on hunting for someone who likes you as you are and who would enjoy having a bed partner with a clitdick.
Hyenas are very well equipped!
And yeah, I think I'm going to see about getting the topical T. Thanks for the advice on that one, I would have probably never have thought about all of that otherwise and would have wasted a lot of time and money with pills ;o;