So, my children were born three days ago. This would be find if there were not 9 weeks and two day too early. They're so little and I can't even hold them. They have a feeding and breathing tube and they look so tiny.

I don't know why I'm putting up a journal, I just feel like I have to write something and get it out of my system.

I feel like I've been scooped out with an icecream scoop and left empty.

I left around eight in the morning to see my doctor (hoped it was false labour) and he ended up taking me to the hospital and I don't really remember much.

My nurse put it as "They were so little they just flew out." It took less than three hours of Labour for Johnathan to be born, and five minutes laters, Sean was born too. No complications other than them being premature... They look healthy, but who knows. They might be crippled or mentally unwell.

Am I a bad mother for thinging these things and not just wishing them the best in life and loving them completely?

I feel like a bad mom. I don't even want to be here, I want to go to the NICU, but my boyfriend says I need some time away from the hospital (since I was released yesterday morning and spent all night there). He's going to take me for a little while later, but we'll have to see how up to it I feel.