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A Fool
14 years ago
I've realised that for years I've been intentionally distancing myself from friends. I remember going out to watch the grand national race once a year with a group of at least 15 friends, getting blind drunk and walking all the way home from Nottingham. No idea how i navigated but it must have taken me 4 hours ish to walk it.
I don't see any of them anymore or stay in touch in anyway whatsoever.
Some started families so i respected the time and effort in doing that and stayed away.
I have no idea what the rest are doing now but i hope they're doing well.
I realise now sexuality played it's part in this. I realised one day they'd find out i was gay and change their opinion of me forever. They'd not remember who i was, just that i was gay now and things would change. I'm a very....dignified person i like to think, i don't make scenes or draw attention to myself in public. (apart from at work where i'm an ass) I'm a gentleman and i like to believe i carry myself with good humour and class.
So being the centre of attention for anything is dreaded, being the butt of jokes is something i'd not want to cope with either. Coming out would cause who i was to disappear from peoples memories to be replaced with "He's gay" and nothing much else.
So i've pushed everyone in real life away and i've just realised i've done the same thing with online friends as well.
One reason for dropping the online world is the lack of my mate in it,
I don't see the point of much without him to share it with me. Our communication is down to letters now as things aren't great for him at the moment, but he's safe and reasonably well. Missing him is a subject i try to avoid as he's the only light in my world.
It would be nice to knock on a friends door and talk without hiding things or being somebody i'm not.
But even if i could i've got nobody left that isn't a family member or workmate.
A lot has happened in the last few months and i'm not feeling the same inside, feeling yourself change is a very odd thing. I'm nowhere near the person i was even 6 months ago.
I remember the time when happiness, fun, optimism and hope weren't masks or pretences to appear normal in public. Smiling and being pleasant gets harder by the week. I thought i'd be the same forever, but the world has a way of grinding you down till you're just surviving.
But survive i will.
Don't think you have to comment on this, i just felt like i needed to write this down.
Oh and
is the best person in the world!
I don't see any of them anymore or stay in touch in anyway whatsoever.
Some started families so i respected the time and effort in doing that and stayed away.
I have no idea what the rest are doing now but i hope they're doing well.
I realise now sexuality played it's part in this. I realised one day they'd find out i was gay and change their opinion of me forever. They'd not remember who i was, just that i was gay now and things would change. I'm a very....dignified person i like to think, i don't make scenes or draw attention to myself in public. (apart from at work where i'm an ass) I'm a gentleman and i like to believe i carry myself with good humour and class.
So being the centre of attention for anything is dreaded, being the butt of jokes is something i'd not want to cope with either. Coming out would cause who i was to disappear from peoples memories to be replaced with "He's gay" and nothing much else.
So i've pushed everyone in real life away and i've just realised i've done the same thing with online friends as well.
One reason for dropping the online world is the lack of my mate in it,
I don't see the point of much without him to share it with me. Our communication is down to letters now as things aren't great for him at the moment, but he's safe and reasonably well. Missing him is a subject i try to avoid as he's the only light in my world.It would be nice to knock on a friends door and talk without hiding things or being somebody i'm not.
But even if i could i've got nobody left that isn't a family member or workmate.
A lot has happened in the last few months and i'm not feeling the same inside, feeling yourself change is a very odd thing. I'm nowhere near the person i was even 6 months ago.
I remember the time when happiness, fun, optimism and hope weren't masks or pretences to appear normal in public. Smiling and being pleasant gets harder by the week. I thought i'd be the same forever, but the world has a way of grinding you down till you're just surviving.
But survive i will.
Don't think you have to comment on this, i just felt like i needed to write this down.
Oh and
is the best person in the world! 
After all, my gay best friend is nearly always introduced as "This is [x], he's gay" or something to that effect (dunno if he'd mind me saying his name, so I'm erring on the side of caution). Hell, whenever I refer to him it's always as my gay best friend. Thing is though, he's made it a part of who he is. Half the gay jokes me and the guys do were made up by him. And there's always interplay between us with me being a furfag and him being a "regular fag", as I call him.
But no matter what we're saying to each other, regardless of how offensive or otherwise it is, we know we're just messing around. And if either of us crossed the line, we'd apologise and stuff and everything would be good. And hell, to be honest, I don't think we actually /have/ a line to cross.
It's the same with me, I'm usually introduced as "the furry", and I personally love it. I love all the furry jokes and everything. "Yiff in hell, furfag!" "Why do people keep telling me to go to Michigan?" (there's a town called Hell in Michigan, if you didn't know). But that only came when I was completely open about the fact that I'm a furry. Before that, I was scared of being found out. Then, through a short comment conversation with someone (it was just some random fur, don't remember anything about them), I decided "Fuck it" and came out of the furry closet on facebook. That was some good times, it's difficult to describe the feeling.
Anyway, that's just my thoughts. =)
We shouldn't have to worry about these things, but when you recognise your sexuality later in life it's suddenly a massive issue.
On that vein, when did you recognise your sexuality? If you don't mind me asking, of course.
I'd have to say i only really accepted i was probably gay about 3-4 years ago, just accepting that to myself was a big thing. But after accepting it i realised how bloody obvious it should have been to me :p
First experience was with another guy when i was little(not abused, we were the same age) and since then girls have never interested me. I find the vast majority of them annoying just as people
For me, I thought I was straight until relatively recently (probably talking maybe up to a year or so ago), but then I realised that I'd been occasionally getting off to a mix of cute yaoi and gay porn for a while. It kinda snuck up on me really, and if it wasn't for me being a furry it never would've happened. Cos with furry pr0ns, I prefer gay, and that led to yaoi which led to regular gay pr0ns. And re-reading that from a neutral standpoint, it seems like the answer is obvious, but it goes deeper than that, deeper than I can really explain. But like I said, I'll figure it out.
I've personally got good friends of both genders. And actually have a crush on a person from both genders, which has actually brought a whole new flurry of conundrums to the table XD
One special folder of fave pictures gradually became more male than female, I do like a good ass so i'd save any good pics in there. Eventually that folder and a 90percent male content helped me accept it.
Furry pics have to be gay for me, straight ones don't hold any interest.
The unsure thing is fine but you may end up avoiding both kinds of intimacy. I did. I'd laugh off, discourage or ignore any interest in me from others. Looking back that's a shame, but i was scared of making the wrong choice and hurting somebody. So i got used to being on my own, thought i was happy too. But having somebody now made me realise i don't want to be alone again.
The emotional highs and lows are much more extreme with somebody, but i'd not change anything. Although i've told dru that i'd never look again if anything went wrong with us, i'd go back to being single and stay that way.
It gives us both something great to hang on too.
Conundrums make life more interesting, course one day you'll be in a room with both of them and all of you will be drunk. Something's bound to get solved on that night
I personally hate being single. Only been in one relationship and it ended badly. And before that relationship, I was sort of looking forward to being the crazy old man with all the snakes or fish or whatever :P Ah, that was good times :) And I'd personally avoid not looking for another relationship if things go wrong with dru, but then that's your choice to make :P
Heh, shame I don't drink really XD But I know it'll all sort itself out eventually. For now, I'm content to wait.
and no, dru is it for me. He's a deep and amazing person that just happens to had terrible luck with anything. We connect on every level, perfection like that is worth fighting for. Once lost i'd compare everybody else to him and they'd always come up short. Plus i just got him tamed
All or nothing
Well, I'm personally hoping you get all =) (I imagine you are too :P)
Honestly I think it is the insecure people who do this. I really think they feel if they can draw attention to you thier own short comings will not be noticed. Such as have you met my backing stabbing bitch friend Jane.
By the way, on the talking to folks, well. If you ever need to talk feel free to contact me and I will give you my contact info.
~Big Hugs~ glad you are so strong you can weather these storms they call life.
I think you're correct about people covering their own shortcomings with labels for other people. No matter how nice, caring, helpful, loyal and funloving a person is, once people can label them as gay that's pretty much reset their life and people's opinions.
I'm strong enough to go on, dru keeps me well grounded and happy
It's an unsettling thought to think that all these people who have been a part one's life for all this time could go away over something like this. It leaves you in stasis, afraid to move foreward but unable to go back. I'm stuck.
Even worse, I start to feel guilty that I'm not willing to give my friends the benefit of the doubt, automatically assuming the worst case scenario being their reaction rather than trusting them to accept me for what I am.
I subconsciously chose to not take the risk knowing how much it would hurt me if they wanted nothing to do with me after they found out.
My aim is to life my life and keep myself to myself, when dru can get here from Florida we can both keep to ourselves and pretty much ignore the rest of the world.
You could make some new gay friends or people (like furrys) that wont care what you are. Then slowly switch more to that side of friends. Sucks that we end up losing friends to be ourselves though.
You're probably one of the first people I started paying attention too on FA, and I feel like I'm going through the exact same thing. Online mate, in the closet, rough last few months. Not in a position to be accepted by any means, by anyone. vv Your words struck a chord, so to say, with me. I've been hurting so much these last few months from numerous sorrows.
But I'm young. I have time to change and grow and leave behind old friends, and make new ones. In a year I want to be able to turn my back on dark times and start over, completely, and I hope I can. Reading about your emotions makes me even more so want to turn my own life towards something better.
There is nothing quite like crushing loneliness of realizing that even when you're in a room full of people, you are still only with yourself. Especially when those people are your 'friends and family'. I made the mistake of hiding until it was too late to tell the person who would have accepted me the most, who deserved to know, but she's passed on now leaving me with the rest of my family, who drive me deeper and deeper into fear every day.
But there's light at the end of the tunnel, and if there isn't, I try to trick myself into thinking there is. Because I know that I can't live in that loneliness or it will destroy me. =/ I'm moving away, I'm leaving behind the people who hurt me without knowing it, and I'm going to make the best. I know it's been a long road, but I hope you can to, I really do.
I wish i'd have realised or accepted my sexuality earlier, i like to think it would have made things easier. It might of i suppose, but there's no knowing for sure. Given the choice i think most older people would wish they'd done more with their youth, been more open and enjoyed life more. I'd never go back and change anything though, that long winding path led me to Fardru and i'd not want to change that.
Family can be a worry, but if they ever realise or have a problem with it then i'd just stay away. I'd not consider them family if they had a problem with me being myself and happy.
You have to think of yourself at some point. I hope things never get as bad as you fear and you can start enjoying life more