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Belligerence
14 years ago
Deep down in the hearts of every man, woman, and child, there is a belligerence. It is an everpresent thirst for the taste of blood, a concentration of what it actually means to be human.
Let me explain...
Humans are probably one of the most complex organisms to ever exist on Earth, barring extra-terrestrials, if you believe in that sort of thing. We have highly complex emotions and sensibilities that the vast majority of creation seem to lack. We are capable of love, which is most likely the most confusing subject to ever cross the mind of a sentient lifeform. We are capable of hate, which is just as complex an emotion as love. Or is it? Is it actually a separate emotional state? Or is it nothing more than the correctly proportioned amounts of fear and anger, mixing together in an alchemic emotional concoction?
I have come to a realization lately, upon my recent decision to fight my seemingly growing depression. I am afraid of the military. I can barely maintain my composure around personel in uniform. Playing video games that are war-based and realistic (such as Call of Duty, Medal of Honor, Homefront, etc.) for extended periods of time tend make me feel queasy. *I have even held off for a bit on signing up for Selective Services, despite knowing that the likeliness of a draft is near zero.* The growing thoughts of becoming a soldier myself someday fill me with fear, anxiety, and grief.
Yet, for some reason, despite my fear, anxiety, and overall despair, I still indulge in a life surrounded by militaristic qualities. I have a growing obsesion with wanting to collect firearms, just because of how beautiful some of them are. A few of my family members, including my father and aunt, have been in the military. I also have many friends who are going into the service, in varying branches. Hell, my own girlfriend is a soldier. I still put myself through the stress of playing Call of Duty and Homefront. However, my queasy feelings have branched off into feelings of apathy and sadistic enjoyment, neither of which am I proud. Then I slowly feel the pain set in that I will never be brave enough or good enough to be a soldier. I feel so inadequate, comparing myself to a soldier, of any caliber, and yet, I won't be one, because of how terrified I am.
I have been encouraged often by my friends... More specifically, my girlfriend has told me that I would make an excellent soldier with a little PT. Or, rather... a lot. My best mile time was 8:47, and that's only because I had continual encouragement, and I nearly died at the end. She says that I would probably score a 99 on the ASVABS, solely because scoring a 100 is impossible. She says that I am a rational enough thinker to be able to do it. She says I would definitely pass her IQ, continuing on to say that if I couldn't beat her with brawn (which I can't) then I could easily do so with brains.
So, now I am highly considering taking the ASVABS and an IQ test to see if she is right. We discussed that I would most likely have recruiters kicking in my door, if I DID manage a 99, asking me to join Spec Ops, or some other group of skilled military personel. I'd enjoy it, and I'd tell them to come back later after I think about it a bit. That way I could get a boost of self-worth, feeling like I was actually wanted for something.
So, I will look into those tests more. Hopefully I will find something. And hopefully, I can get over my fears. I'm already seeing a therapist about the depression.
I guess, I'll try to keep updating as much as I can.
Let me explain...
Humans are probably one of the most complex organisms to ever exist on Earth, barring extra-terrestrials, if you believe in that sort of thing. We have highly complex emotions and sensibilities that the vast majority of creation seem to lack. We are capable of love, which is most likely the most confusing subject to ever cross the mind of a sentient lifeform. We are capable of hate, which is just as complex an emotion as love. Or is it? Is it actually a separate emotional state? Or is it nothing more than the correctly proportioned amounts of fear and anger, mixing together in an alchemic emotional concoction?
I have come to a realization lately, upon my recent decision to fight my seemingly growing depression. I am afraid of the military. I can barely maintain my composure around personel in uniform. Playing video games that are war-based and realistic (such as Call of Duty, Medal of Honor, Homefront, etc.) for extended periods of time tend make me feel queasy. *I have even held off for a bit on signing up for Selective Services, despite knowing that the likeliness of a draft is near zero.* The growing thoughts of becoming a soldier myself someday fill me with fear, anxiety, and grief.
Yet, for some reason, despite my fear, anxiety, and overall despair, I still indulge in a life surrounded by militaristic qualities. I have a growing obsesion with wanting to collect firearms, just because of how beautiful some of them are. A few of my family members, including my father and aunt, have been in the military. I also have many friends who are going into the service, in varying branches. Hell, my own girlfriend is a soldier. I still put myself through the stress of playing Call of Duty and Homefront. However, my queasy feelings have branched off into feelings of apathy and sadistic enjoyment, neither of which am I proud. Then I slowly feel the pain set in that I will never be brave enough or good enough to be a soldier. I feel so inadequate, comparing myself to a soldier, of any caliber, and yet, I won't be one, because of how terrified I am.
I have been encouraged often by my friends... More specifically, my girlfriend has told me that I would make an excellent soldier with a little PT. Or, rather... a lot. My best mile time was 8:47, and that's only because I had continual encouragement, and I nearly died at the end. She says that I would probably score a 99 on the ASVABS, solely because scoring a 100 is impossible. She says that I am a rational enough thinker to be able to do it. She says I would definitely pass her IQ, continuing on to say that if I couldn't beat her with brawn (which I can't) then I could easily do so with brains.
So, now I am highly considering taking the ASVABS and an IQ test to see if she is right. We discussed that I would most likely have recruiters kicking in my door, if I DID manage a 99, asking me to join Spec Ops, or some other group of skilled military personel. I'd enjoy it, and I'd tell them to come back later after I think about it a bit. That way I could get a boost of self-worth, feeling like I was actually wanted for something.
So, I will look into those tests more. Hopefully I will find something. And hopefully, I can get over my fears. I'm already seeing a therapist about the depression.
I guess, I'll try to keep updating as much as I can.
