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Considering someday mommyhood, and um... the nutjobs.
14 years ago
Commissions are currently OPEN! See below for more information.
Don't wait for the queue to shrink—the commission docket is rarely empty.Is it any wonder I'm almost 30 and still refuse to take the plunge?
Yes, I want a child someday. No, it's not 100% necessary that it be my own, but adoption these days seems like such a crap shoot. It's still on the table for me, because it is not necessary for me to make a little clone, necessarily. The major thing for me, is, I don't want to have a child til I'm damn good and ready and prepared (that time is still not now), and if I wait too many more years, adoption will be the safest and smartest option. the reality is, though, that through-the-rings adoption is like 100-300k, because the system in America is a load of horse crap. So right now, for a middle-class girl like me, it's having my own kid or going Juno-style.
That said... I am still very happy being a big kid, drawing my art, playing video games, all that stuff. And that won't have to stop when I finally have a child, but in the last year, the studying I've done on the subject of becoming a parent has really frightened me.
First point: natural childbirth. I've watched documentaries that showed me the light and swayed me over to that side only to have me realize that there was another side that left me right back on the fence.
I always end up on the fence, about everything. Because I try to find both sides, and I become totally indecisive! As far as natural childbirth goes, I've gone right back to my view of "I'd rather be absolutely sure I won't die or the baby won't die if something goes wrong". And yes, I am terrified of pain. So an elective c-section (when it's actually almost time, not "scheduled" as is the fashion these days) actually does sound like the right option for me, when the day comes. Even after seeing documentaries telling me that a c-section denies me the opportunity to bond with and latch on to my child (come the fuck on) and that it's unnatural, I am not convinced. I'd rather spare my kid the horrible rounds of drugs that come from trying to wait on a natural birth, personally. If it's a choice between being at home and potentially losing the kid to a complication (not a small chance) vs. just going to the hospital and saying "let's get this shit done", I'm choosing the latter.
And yeah, that will be my choice. But here's the kicker: women these days who are vocal about issues such as natural childbirth, breastfeeding, and a lot of other "crunchy" topics are so goddamn arrogant and smug that it REALLY hurts their cause.
I mean, I'm a free agent here! I'm a potential future parent who would love to do what's best for herself and whatever family she's going to have, and yet all I see are a bunch of uppity, self-righteous snotballs who are so smug it makes me want to join whatever club they're NOT in just so I can get some relief.
It upsets me. Things like breastfeeding, homeschooling as an option, and eating healthy should be something people want to encourage if they believe in it, not hold over everyone else's heads like a big goddamn trophy.
I'm sorry, I've just been seeing a lot of stuff on Facebook lately that makes me think:
a) some people I used to know have totally lost their personalities in the quest to be the perfect parent, and now everything that comes out of their mouth is about this or that issue and how much better they are than any other parent who doesn't do what they do (so it's kind of like they've died, to me)...
b) they go on and on about choice and empowerment, yet the minute anyone tries to make a different choice, they practically get yelled out of the room.
I think, in the end, I'm just going to have to go with my gut and do what seems best, because the idea of associating with any of these people makes me worry I WON'T make good choices, because just the thought of being around any of them for even a moment makes me want to rip my hair out. In short, I think they have some good points, but goddamn if I am not sick of feeling like I'm being lectured any time I honestly want some information.
I'm aware of the similarity between this debate and the ones I've gotten into with people about religion. I see smug people on both sides regarding religion, and yes, I've been one of them. Perhaps there are people who are just as smug on the "hospital birth - public school - formula" camp, but I haven't really seen any, yet. I hate being indecisive, I really do. Having empathy and wanting to make the right choice sometimes just leaves me at square one no matter what I try to do.
But I think parenthood just turns some people into pod people.
Hopefully this post doesn't make me look too old. I may still look like I'm in my early 20s, and I may act like it, but sometimes my brain wants me to be a grown-up, and I try to oblidge, at least for a little while. It can be fun, because it's new to me, but god, do I fear turning into one of the people I used to know who were fun, happy teenagers and turned into mindless, soulless parents.
Commissions are still open indefinitely, BTW. :) Give me your thoughts, though.
P.S. This makes me wonder, FA:
Should I go on in a few years to have an ankle-biter of my own, and talk about a tiny Holydust, would you consider me un-cool and stop watching me? :D It's okay to be honest. Spout your feelings. I wanna hear them.
Yes, I want a child someday. No, it's not 100% necessary that it be my own, but adoption these days seems like such a crap shoot. It's still on the table for me, because it is not necessary for me to make a little clone, necessarily. The major thing for me, is, I don't want to have a child til I'm damn good and ready and prepared (that time is still not now), and if I wait too many more years, adoption will be the safest and smartest option. the reality is, though, that through-the-rings adoption is like 100-300k, because the system in America is a load of horse crap. So right now, for a middle-class girl like me, it's having my own kid or going Juno-style.
That said... I am still very happy being a big kid, drawing my art, playing video games, all that stuff. And that won't have to stop when I finally have a child, but in the last year, the studying I've done on the subject of becoming a parent has really frightened me.
First point: natural childbirth. I've watched documentaries that showed me the light and swayed me over to that side only to have me realize that there was another side that left me right back on the fence.
I always end up on the fence, about everything. Because I try to find both sides, and I become totally indecisive! As far as natural childbirth goes, I've gone right back to my view of "I'd rather be absolutely sure I won't die or the baby won't die if something goes wrong". And yes, I am terrified of pain. So an elective c-section (when it's actually almost time, not "scheduled" as is the fashion these days) actually does sound like the right option for me, when the day comes. Even after seeing documentaries telling me that a c-section denies me the opportunity to bond with and latch on to my child (come the fuck on) and that it's unnatural, I am not convinced. I'd rather spare my kid the horrible rounds of drugs that come from trying to wait on a natural birth, personally. If it's a choice between being at home and potentially losing the kid to a complication (not a small chance) vs. just going to the hospital and saying "let's get this shit done", I'm choosing the latter.
And yeah, that will be my choice. But here's the kicker: women these days who are vocal about issues such as natural childbirth, breastfeeding, and a lot of other "crunchy" topics are so goddamn arrogant and smug that it REALLY hurts their cause.
I mean, I'm a free agent here! I'm a potential future parent who would love to do what's best for herself and whatever family she's going to have, and yet all I see are a bunch of uppity, self-righteous snotballs who are so smug it makes me want to join whatever club they're NOT in just so I can get some relief.
It upsets me. Things like breastfeeding, homeschooling as an option, and eating healthy should be something people want to encourage if they believe in it, not hold over everyone else's heads like a big goddamn trophy.
I'm sorry, I've just been seeing a lot of stuff on Facebook lately that makes me think:
a) some people I used to know have totally lost their personalities in the quest to be the perfect parent, and now everything that comes out of their mouth is about this or that issue and how much better they are than any other parent who doesn't do what they do (so it's kind of like they've died, to me)...
b) they go on and on about choice and empowerment, yet the minute anyone tries to make a different choice, they practically get yelled out of the room.
I think, in the end, I'm just going to have to go with my gut and do what seems best, because the idea of associating with any of these people makes me worry I WON'T make good choices, because just the thought of being around any of them for even a moment makes me want to rip my hair out. In short, I think they have some good points, but goddamn if I am not sick of feeling like I'm being lectured any time I honestly want some information.
I'm aware of the similarity between this debate and the ones I've gotten into with people about religion. I see smug people on both sides regarding religion, and yes, I've been one of them. Perhaps there are people who are just as smug on the "hospital birth - public school - formula" camp, but I haven't really seen any, yet. I hate being indecisive, I really do. Having empathy and wanting to make the right choice sometimes just leaves me at square one no matter what I try to do.
But I think parenthood just turns some people into pod people.
Hopefully this post doesn't make me look too old. I may still look like I'm in my early 20s, and I may act like it, but sometimes my brain wants me to be a grown-up, and I try to oblidge, at least for a little while. It can be fun, because it's new to me, but god, do I fear turning into one of the people I used to know who were fun, happy teenagers and turned into mindless, soulless parents.
Commissions are still open indefinitely, BTW. :) Give me your thoughts, though.
P.S. This makes me wonder, FA:
Should I go on in a few years to have an ankle-biter of my own, and talk about a tiny Holydust, would you consider me un-cool and stop watching me? :D It's okay to be honest. Spout your feelings. I wanna hear them.
I was a C-section baby thanks to being a month over due...I would like to try an do a natural birth, but we will see what happens...
I would love to have a natural childbirth someday. But I have read too many stories of babies that died because their midwife refused to do the job right or was so arrogant that she didn't let mommy transfer, or didn't do tests properly or whatever. Or the mom almost dies. Or does.
It's just that it's going to be my choice, and if the option that either of us dies is going to be on the table AT ALL, I'd rather go ahead and deal with being called unnatural for it. My husband agrees.
My biggest concern with C-section is the myth of the child not being decisive because they didn't decide to be born...which i only worry about because I am the most indecisive person ever! i will pick up something and get all the way to check and decide to put it back, walk around, pick it up again, and decide to put it back again...I'm awful XD
I would honestly like to just adopt some poor kid who is about 3 or 4 that way I skip the slug stage...but I promised Rex we would try first
:D Haha, I would honestly love to adopt a child from somewhere else. But I don't even know how to get the ball rolling on that, and I worry that since Cory and I are of moderate means and are somewhat young we'd be passed over. I guess I haven't done a lot of research, but I hear it's absolute hell -- that child abusers can foster tons of kids and treat them like ass and get money for it, but good, desperate parents have to wait years and pay a shitton of money for a child.
My mom works in the 'adoption' system in a sense, and she says it is awful. that is Rex's argument against adoption in a sense too...
Not like biological parents can't be just as awful. In fact, that is why my mom ends up with half the kids at her work that she does
I've already asked my father if he would be okay with it if Cory and I decided to adopt someday since I'm still not quite ready to have a kid tomorrow. He was okay with it, which just made me that much prouder of him. He's very conservative and traditional, but he was like, "it doesn't matter, it'll be your child." I cried.
But yeah, just starting to gather information, seeing the steps and so forth never hurts. I've heard it helps if when you decide to start the process it helps if you keep a journal of day to day activities and such. But you'll get that information eventually.
If you want some completely objective unbiased opinions to ponder, here's a sane person's list of stances:
Childbirth is best in a hospital
Breastfeeding is one of the best things you can do for your baby
Homeschooling and public/private schooling are (in general) only as good as the parents/teachers
Child psychological development classes offered by community colleges are incredibly informative and will help any parent
So I am considering homeschooling, but I have years and years to study it, and AT NO POINT will I ever let myself be a smug, self-righteous bitch to others if that's what I choose for my kid. Because that's the whole point of having a choice, isn't it? It's not just that *I* get one and no one else does. That's what drives me crazy about these people.
The saddest part of it all is growing older and seeing less and less kids go outside until the neighborhood seemed like a ghost town. Damn technology.
Oh, to be back in the days when my parents called me home by yelling out the front door...
I digress. Your kids don't need "school" to learn how to socialize. But they do need peers. Or they will end up pasty and twitchy.
My kids are going to be dogs, theyre cheaper and have unconditional love to give!
But that's just me |3c *wants to travel everywhere until the day she dies*
But my father just keeps saying, "don't stress about money. You'll find a way." He worked in a dry-cleaner's day and night to feed and clothe me, so I get where he's coming from, and I respect the hell out of him.
It's just like a lot of the anti-smoking people. It makes me almost want to take up smoking just so I'm not on the same side as them.
My father's grandparents both died of lung cancer and he has chronic bronchitis from second-hand smoke, since they smoked indoors. I would say laws keeping people from being forcibly boxed in with smokers make sense to me, but just banning smoking outright... not quite the same thing, IMHO. Control is one thing, but banning is another.
Personally, i don't plan on having children, but being 23, you can say much, and it still might happen one day. I'll try to be careful to avoid those "i want to be a mommy" girls that like to get pregnant at 15 and upwards, especially those that fake taking the pill so they can guarantee financial security. Ugh. 3rd world countries. XD
But yeah, do what you think is right, when you feel it to be right, as it comes with alot of responsibilities.
I don't think you'll ever be too old to have a kiddo. My good friend is in his early 20's and his parents are nearing their 70's.
But I do mean it -- I'd love to adopt if it came down to it. I think I could reconcile any selfish desires to see my own genes passed on because parenthood is parenthood, you know?
My SO, Jubei, and I like playing around with the idea of adopting a girl from China. <3 Of course, that would make me decidedly not childfree anymore, but there's no law against changing your mind.
I just, I guess my big concern is that I want to be a parent, but I want to be the parent version of me, the parent version of Holydust, the one who is like herself but now has a kid that she loves. I don't want to turn into a totally different person that no one recognizes anymore. It's not about what people think of me, it's about what *I* think of me. Yes, I want to have a child someday and love them more than anything, but I also don't want to lose the me that people have come to know and love for 20+ years. It's about keeping some sense of the little girl I was, the teenager I was, the young adult I was. I want to keep all of that when I move forward in life. I don't want to just slough it off like it never happened. There's a difference, I feel, between growing and utterly transforming into someone even you don't recognize.
I just feel some part of you should always still be in there. A lot of the people I used to know, if you took their names away I'd never know it was them, anymore. And that saddens me. I try to learn from it, because that's not who I want to be.
It's just another part of what makes me who I am, and I wouldn't change it for the world.
I'd be honored to give that gift to another soul should the need and opportunity arise.
Ultimately that job has led to the rest of my success, so I wouldn't change a thing.
In my family you only have to go back to my great-grandparents to find massive infant mortality. Looking at our family records there were three male children name Ole that died in infancy before my great-grandpa, Ole #4 actually lived beyond the age of 2.
Crap can also go wrong, and it's a good idea to be in a place where there are people trained to deal with all of the things that can go south for mother and child alike.
With regards to schooling, I've got a lot of experience with the different facets of the educational system. Like was mentioned above, it is going to be entirely dependent on the quality of the teachers.
My own schooling experience was public school from K-2nd, Private from 3rd-8th, public high school. IQ of 150, college reading level while in kindergarten. Public school didn't challenge me at all. I was reading Stephan King novels that were laying around the house at age 7 or 8.
So my parents sent me to a private school with smaller class sizes where I could very often get one on one instruction.
The elder little sister of mine had a purely public school education, which worked just fine for her.
The younger two siblings (twins) started out public, went to a religious private school for middle-high school after my mother turned fundamentalist Christian from more mainstream Christianity.
My brother moved out to live with our dad his junior or senior year, in part because he hated the school. He found out his education was a year or two behind the public school education and a lot of the science stuff they taught him was utter crap.
Rather than complete their highschool curriculum my sister took advantage of a program through a local public school to get college credit courses instead.
I have a step-sister that is being homeschooled by her mother (who is pretty lazy) and is frustrated that she's essentially having to teach herself.
So yeah, it's pretty much a crap shoot with regards to educators.
As for schooling:
Private school might be a worthy alternative to public school, but I worry we couldn't afford it. And like you said, it's also a crap shoot.
As you know, I'm an artist, and Cory is a musician. I would love the opportunity to homeschool -- to teach my child all the things I wish I'd been able to learn in school (music, philosophy, art, the kind of math and economics that's IMPORTANT [I learned JACK SHIT about the real world in high school!], sociology)... all the valuable stuff, I feel I only got in college, and high school was one huge mess of useless knowledge AND stress. I would love to give my child the opportunity to learn, from early childhood, all the things that will be important to THEM in THEIR lives. Core curriculum is great, but we don't need to spend 13 years on it. I feel I retained very little of it. I mostly learned about obligation and social skills in my 13 years in public school, and I feel, personally, I could teach my child all of that and a LOT more if it were up to me.
I work from home and probably will for a good deal of time. So I kind of think I'm an ideal candidate to learn to be a homeschooling teacher. It seems like a great opportunity for bonding and one-on-one interaction with my kid, an opportunity I wouldn't get if they go to public school. While I would give them the chance if they WANTED it, no question, I would love it if my child could learn and grow and have a life they felt was worth living by learning the things that applied specifically to them. One-on-one interaction is SO important. I actually did get a great deal of it in elementary school, because I went to a SMALL school, but it still doesn't compare, I'd wager, to a good homeschooling teacher.
Thank you for your insights. I know I'll be better equipped to decide when the time comes, but.... well, you know. <3 Thank you.
Pretty much the only thing I got out of my schooling was that I'm pretty much the only person I can trust to further my own education.
That and any book assigned by an English teacher that is full of meaning and symbolism is going to be a damnably obnoxious read. Unless it's Shakespere, then it's going to be rammed down your throat as the best thing since Ye Olde Slicede Breade. And even if the book/short story isn't full of meaning and symbolism, then by golly they going to shovel some into it!
Red Badge of Courage, written by the author over the span of several days because he was starving. FILLED WITH ALL SORTS OF SYMBOLISM! Even though the author was all like "No, there's nothing there! I needed food, fuck off!" and the teacher's all like "Well, he took on a Christ like pose, and the character's initials were JC..."
And her initials were BS, so... :P
And you're right on all points. I am particularly drawn to homeschooling because I feel I can choose literature that will truly help my child learn valuable life lessons, as well as the amazing value of reading on its own merit. My husband is a notorious bookworm and I, because of my ADD, have trouble with it but like to. I love graphic novels as well, though, and those also have some amazing merit.
I would love to let my child read the Hobbit and the Chocolate War and Catch-22 and Fahreneit 451 or whatever else I can think of, not because it's on some arbitrary curriculum, but because it has an actual life lesson that I can teach, one-on-one, to my kid. I honestly am drawn to the idea of homeschooling just because I know there are a lot of messages my public schooling wanted me to pick up, but I was never able -- because the whole environment was just not suited to making me WANT to learn, to desire to learn. It's just not ideal for breeding a desperate desire for knowledge in every child. One-on-one learning is very important for that. And without turning into the type of person I ranted against in my original journal, one-on-one learning IS very natural. So I can see its merits, and I desire them for good reason, I think.
Oddly enough Catch-22 and Farnheit 451 were never part of any course I had. I read them on my own from my middle school library and rather enjoyed them. I also blazed through our computer-aided reading courses. I don't recall many of the stories, but I'm rather sure that there was some Heinlein in there that I rather liked as well.
Contrary to popular belief, it doesn't even have to be on an equinox.
We had this kid in our school -- Derek Soeder. I had a huge crush on him. He was this lanky, big-eyed kid who came from a super-religious family of like, 8 kids, all brothers, all stair-stepped between one another.
He was somewhere in the middle, and was the smartest kid I'd ever met. He was notoriously shy, but had this lurking dry wit that just attracted me so. We would get home from middle school and log on to the only 2 phone lines on a local Christian BBS and play LoRD (Legend of the Red Dragon). His name was Fruitcake (he used all the color codes so the name was in rainbow colors) and my name was Pocahontas (because I wore braided pigtails every day -- a nickname my bitter, old, African-American history teacher gave me (she taught my DAD in middle school, if that tells you anything). We would hunt down whatever sad sorry fool was stupid enough to sleep in the fields instead of holding up at the inn. We were unstoppable.
Anyway, we got into high school, and Derek quickly proved to be a genius. I barely managed to get into the talented and gifted class by the skin of my teeth; a right-brained smarty, it was a sure thing, but he was a left-brained smarty, math and science oriented.
When the egg test came up, we all struggled to figure out how to get our eggs to stand up. I came dangerously close with the paperclip, but the last five minutes neared, and Derek just sat there, doing nothing. His egg still lay on its side. We all wondered, stupidly, why he wasn't doing the test. We didn't think he had anything up his sleeve.
Mr. Wells announced the last 30 seconds. My egg was only barely teetering on its paper clip stand, which I'd spent the past 20 minutes fashioning through trial and error, and it tipped over and cracked. I looked over at Derek, who at last, grabbed his egg, held it right-side up, and smacked lightly on the desk, smushing the bottom part of the shell. It stood straight up.
I then remembered what Mr. Wells had said every single goddamn day since the class had started: "If it doesn't say in the rules that you can't, you can."
I developed a massive crush on him that day, as well as a burning spite for him. :D He went on to MIT at 16. I haven't heard from him since.
My doctor told me that I would be a good candidate for a C-section, since I have a history of a previous pelvic fracture. I was even scheduled for a C-section on my due date, but went into labor 3 days before. I decided at that point after getting to the hospital that I wanted to try and give birth naturally, and I did. No epidural, nothing. But, every woman is different. Just because I went through natural child birth and that worked for me doesn't mean that it's going to work someone else. It's all about what your body can handle, and I would NEVER judge anyone for the way they decided to give birth.
I also was unable to breast feed due to some complications post birth, and I got a lot of negative feedback about that. My mother did not breast feed me due to the same complications, and I turned out just fine. And my daughter is very healthy and doing well, so obviously bottle-feeding worked for her. They wouldn't put YEARS of testing into baby formula and have it FDA approved on the market if they didn't think it was safe for infants.
Thank you for your insight!! Honestly, it's so great to see someone who is both experienced and still non-judgmental. It sometimes feel like you're getting lost in a sea of judgmental bitches *forgive the term, but that's exactly what I think of* who just want to tell everyone else to do it exactly as they did. It's one thing to be happy with your own experience, but it's YOUR experience, you know?
Also, for the breastfeeding. My mom actually doesn't believe in it. Reason being that she didn't breastfeed me, but did for my siblings. She willingly admits I'm the most intelligent, independent and healthiest one. My siblings have shit for an immune system, have had to have surgeries, and have caught some of the strangest shit. (My sister has caught scarlet fever and catscratch fever). I've always gotten sick maybe two or three times a year and always common cold or flu bugs.
Good to know about the c-section though. I just don't want to end up HAVING to get injected with rounds of pitosin and epidurals... at least no several times. My concern is that I don't want to be there long enough that they have to keep cycling stuff. I want to be in and out, not because I'm in a hurry, but because I know they will WANT me out of there and they will do what they have to to make that happen. If just having a c-section will get me out of there, fuck it, what do I care? I'd rather have fewer drugs injected into my system and compromising my kid's oxygen. I don't care if it comes out naturally or through my belly button. I really don't.
I actually had been dialated to a 5 by the time we got to the hospital but got stuck at an 8 for like three hours. I was like "fuck this, epidural now >:(". They only cycled twice and something was wrong because every time I had a contraction her heart rate dropped. She was full term and born at around 4lbs 15oz. We think the obgyn we had was a retard because she didn't notice anything wrong prior to me going into labor. Middle of nowhere, TX doesn't have good doctors.
I keep hearing all these "crunchy" mommies bitching "formula is not a #2 to breastfeeding! it is a last resort!" I was fine on formula. :/ I'm not saying it's the end-all-be-all but I think the smugness warrants some inspection, you know? Anecdotal evidence is not always perfect, but most of the people I know, pretty much all, were formula-fed and we all live happy, productive lives. :/ to call any mom who chooses formula some kind of monster is, I feel, just an unwarranted attack. and for some moms it's the only choice.
I've heard the pitosin can make the baby's heart rate drop because it compromises their oxygen since it makes the contractions so fierce. I can understand that, but that's why I don't want to sit around waiting for a vaginal birth if I don't have to. Fuck it. If a C-section means my future kiddo gets the hell out before she has to suffer getting crushed by my system, why WOULDN'T i make that decision?!
And that's honestly so stupid! I suppose it has alot to do with old fashioned mindsets and the same negativity being passed down through generations. My b/f's mother is old fashioned and stuff and she didn't try to come down on me for the fact that formula was how we went. It really is just rude of anyone to disrespect someone's choices so much.
I didn't have pitosin, not sure what that is. But the problems with her heart rate had had the nurse's concerned. They gave it an extra ten minutes to see if it would change and when it didn't, they took me to the OR for a c-section. I don't think I can handle natural birth. I mean, some women tear really bad down there and I wouldn't want that to happen as silly as that sounds. I know what to expect with the c-section and would opt for it again.
* In natural birth, your body protuces oxytocin, which both encourages the contractions and starts to produce the bonding hormones.
* But in natural birth, this can take up to a day. It's natural, and it's fantastic, but if you're opting for just that at home, you are missing out on the potential of life-saving technology should an emergency happen that requires 5 minutes to save your life or the baby's.
* In the hospital, if you aren't getting the baby out fast enough, they will give you an IV with pitosin, an oxytocin replacement. It's basically a fake oxytocin x3.
* The pitosin is a ton stronger, so the contractions are stronger, so your kid, who would be enduring normal, chill, "let's move towards getting born" situations, is now being crushed towards her destination. But because it's stronger, the pain is IMMENSE. This is why, the natural birth movement would have us believe, we see moms in hospital delivery rooms screaming and crying and in terror. (I don't disbelieve it, but you'll see my opinion below).
* When this gets to be too much, they give you an epidural.
* After a while, if the process isn't moving fast enough, the cycle starts over. More pitosin, another epidural. More pitosin, an epidural.
* This is for moms who want to TRY To have a vaginal birth.
* I have no such reservations. My plan is, go to the hospital, plan for a c-section right away. Let's get this shit taken care of. There is no reason, if I'm at my DUE DATE, to sit around for 40 hours getting injected with rounds of pitosin and epidurals aplenty when we can just get my poor kiddo the hell out of there.
* And I would say it's the pitosin that people get in hospitals and the rush to get them out vaginally that results in so many women having to rip their perineums. A c-section once you get into the hospital will warrant no such damage. Why go through that? It doesn't happen naturally... why do I want to try to force a vaginal birth that's going to also result in a ripped perineum if I don't have some silly reservation about desperately wanting to force her out the "out door"?
Yes, gross, but still. The ripping seems to be more of a hospital situation that comes from the "push, push, let's get this business taken care of" hospital vaginal birth scenario. I don't have any desire to forcibly get her out that way, so there's no reason to go there.
So yes. I would opt for the c-section, myself. There's no reason, in my mind, not to just get my kid out into the breathing world and get her functional and active if she's been baking for 9 months and it's time. I don't have some stupid reservation about where she comes out.
The epidural is something you have to opt for though I think. They don't force it on you. I was in so much pain from being stuck mostly at an 8 that I had to have something to dull the pain and asked for it. I was in the hospital for almost 10 hours before I asked for it. My b/f's mom said she'd never seen someone so calm during contractions. She didn't believe I was in pain before we rushed to the hospital.
And the ripping ;^; do not want! And the c-section scars aren't that bad. Mine is like three or four inches across and not very noticable unless you look for it.
I will certainly ask for an epidural, but I don't want to be put through rounds of pitosin and epidurals to COUNTER pitosin. That's my stance, you know? There's no reason for me to be there for 20 hours. I plan on being wheeled in there and going, "okay. I'm in pain, but I'm also in labor. Let's get the pain taken care of, but also, let's get my kiddo out ASAP." It doesn't get simpler than that, for me. I don't have any silly reservations that are going to prevent me from getting that shit done. It seems pretty cut and dry to me at this point, you know? No pun intended. D:
I love being human too, but I associate myself as a furry. Course I'm not one of those "OMG I WISH I WAS MY FURRSONA" types. I just enjoy the fandom too much to not associate as one. But that's me personally :3
Okay, yes. I refuse to become a "mombie". I wish I had made that the title of this journal. You are amazing.
Anywho, I'm just a firm believer that despite the fact we are human and have higher intelligence and all that fun stuff, it doesn't mean we're still not animals and follow the same rules as primal beings from time to time.
I am NOT saying that you SHOULD have natural birth and I'm NOT saying that having a c-section will mean you won't love your children any more or less than any other mother out there, I'm just saying I don't think it's just to be brushed aside as bullshit when someone says a bond between a mother and child is different when you do this or that because it might be.
Continuing on: the only fear I have about adoption is the potential task of telling a child why they aren't like you (in a scenario you may adopt a child from another culture at a very young age so they don't remember) or why their parents didn't want them or any of the hard questions like that. I'm not against adoption, it's just one of my own fears.
Also, just ignore the snoody crock of crap some people want to personally call "BEST PARENTS EVARRRRR". I don't believe anyone can really be the most perfect parent because no one is perfect! You can raise a child to eat healthy and partake in regular activities for a healthy life style but the biggest part of parenting is being able to let the children make their own decisions when the time comes. Teenagers are lovely for that. You could have a child and raise them to be awesome little buggers who do their homework, eat right and all that jazz but one day they might go to a party and get drunk or try pot or something even worse.
All in all, I am very pleased to see someone who is smart enough to know when they are not ready to have kids! XD Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.
Whatever you decide to do will be what is best for you and the child and I will support you in any case!
As far as having the child, yes -- I agree. But I do think I would be willing to attempt to overcome whatever risks might come from a c-section, because I will be fully aware that the kid is mine. We are very much primates, but I would have the knowledge that it was mine, and I would go into it wanting to have a child, so my experiences would be different from that mama gorilla. Though the adoptive mommy story did make me grin :3
As for dealing with the "talking about adoption" issue -- that's something that I've actually been PRESENT FOR with humans so it doesn't scare me the least bit. Letting a kid stay with a parent that can't handle them vs. being the parent who took in an adoptive kid and loved them and now has to tell them they were adopted, I will happily choose the latter if I am pushing the button. I can handle it. It's not scary for me. I look forward to it, even.
But yes. Letting the children make their own decisions (within reason!) is a big factor in my whole desire to be a parent. I just want to be a part of another person's life experience. I want to help them find all those places I didn't find, and see what places I found that they didn't. I guess I'm just at that point in my life where the curiosity is overbearing. It just seems joyful to me, you know? So I'm getting to the point where I feel readiness will happen any year now.
You are wonderful for taking the time to respond and giving your honest opinion, and I thank you endlessly for it!
Secondly, adoption really isn't all that bad. Just being able -to- adopt is the hard part. My son was adopted out (open adoptions, I still get pictures) and the parents were absolutely wonderful. We went through a private adoption lawyer, and met many months beforehand. They were happy enough to provide me anything if I needed it, but for me I just knew I couldn't care for my child in the best way, so the best option was to give him up. ( I as 19 and very stupid). Granted, going through the paperwork was very difficult for me because I'm part Cherokee, which means the nation gets a say in this as well, though they OK'd everything in a few months time.
Either way, being a parent is tough shit. No matter which option you take. And the way you raise your child is all on you, not on someone else who says you should. And as long as your child can get the difference between right and wrong, especially in today's society, I'd say you've done a marvelous job.
well, minus the cherokee part. :D my mom is extremely dark-skinned -- weirdly so, in fact -- i always thought she tanned. she doesn't. i take after my father and am as pale as a vampire! i am irish/french and if my mom is maybe 1/16 native american she looks full blood, and if i'm anything like her you'd never effing know it.
My family still doesn't know, not because I'm ashamed, but because of personal drama between us. However I say have kids when you are ready, I have a few friends who are my age (mid twenties) and their parents are already in their sixties, and actually doing quit well, instead of my mom who is early forties and just now being steady enough to make her own way again after several years of hardship. I've got to say though, she raised one tough kid. As for the prior comment chain about breastfeeding, I was off it by 4 weeks and onto formula, which also made me the most immune strong. My mom was a druggie and a smoker, and a drinker, so I don't think she had much of an immune system to give. I learned to walk faster, have more of that intelligence thing, and tend to use logic more.
But that is just personal experience, raising a child is a one of a kind endeavour, and the way that works for you isn't going to work for Joe Schmoe over in aisle 4. ^_^
Kids are a gift, a burden, and sometimes you just want to strangle them. But, whether they are yours or not, shouldn't be the point.
The reality is, as a grown-up, I look at my mom and I just see a scared kid who didn't know what she was doing, and I see her making good decisions to see that we all got raised properly the whole way. But because throughout that she sees drug use and prison time, she sees the whole entire ordeal as a huge white block of bad parenting, I can't convince her otherwise.
I can't tell you how many mothers days I've sent my mom -- who didn't raise me, I remind you -- flowers and had a phone call, I've had to sit and listen to a long diatribe of all the ways she's been a terrible parent. And the reality is, we're all animals in this. We don't know what we're doing. There's no handbook. We come to it when we fucking come to it. And I knew nothing about that, but even as a child I knew it. And I tried to tell my mom she did the best she could, and still it hasn't helped.
I mean, that's just the way of the world.
Even though she and I don't see each other often, most likely because we are too much alike to deal with each other lol, when I call here she'll always give a listening ear and give an honest opinion, whether I like it or not. Something I think all moms should do, sugar coating only makes it more difficult to bear when things go horribly wrong. Parenthood changes with each coming generation. No matter who you are, or where you live. The way my mother was raised was not the way I was raised and probably is not going to be the way I will raise my kids. It's because we learn which ways work, and which ways don't, and apply them to the next generation. ^_^
Kids are a tough subject, because everything changes with every person, what will work wonders for me and my method, may not work for you. (also my family is based in DFW and San Antonio, thought it was kind of funny). So whatever you decide, whenever you decide it, remember, it is your decision, and not some soccer mom sucking down a three thousand calorie frappacino (sp) who decides how to raise -your- child.
And anytime ^_^ I know that people can be opinionated, so it's nice to know there are people who still are willing to open their ears and listen, even if it's just plain silly. ^_^
I love my mom's side of the family because you gotta have SOME family; my dad's side of the family was literally all dead by the time I was in my teens, no joke. So it was all I had. It's humorous, but at the same time, I didn't want to go near it again. I opted for no family contact at al. I'm about as close to an alien as a human being can get, for being terrified of dealing with the weirdness of family, being the only child of a single father who had no family of his own. Sometimes, I think I got off lucky.
But, as long as we learn from the family we've got, I'd say you turned out rather well ^_^
Personally I'm childfree myself. Generally I feel people should do what's right for them not what others say to do. I hate the way some folks like to guilt trip parents for choosing something they don't approve of.
I dislike the way some people hassle folks about breastfeeding, not everyone can or wants to breastfeed. I think that no woman should be made to feel a failure if she cannot or doesn't want to breastfeed, yet the nutbags often harass women and care more for pushing their agenda than for the mental health of new mothers.
I also loathe the myth of "instant love" which is one of the reasons why women with postpartum depression often don't get the help they need. Society loves to sell us a Kodak picture of parenthood and in reality, it's not like that and the myths around it are actually harmful imho.
Personally I never met a smug parent who was a decent parent. I've met plenty of self righteous parents who'll talk about how they do X, Y and Z and how great a parent they are meanwhile their kid is virtually ignored or having their needs unmet because the smug crunchy moms are all about getting attention and accolades for themselves not what's best for their kids. The decent parents are too busy doing their best rather than showing off.
I doubt anyone would un-watch you if you have a kid, unless you talk about nothing but the kid or post up stuff like from here: http://stfuparents.tumblr.com/
I've unfortunately seen worse than that blog, I knew someone who was absolutely obsessed with having kids it turned out she only wanted them for the attention she got when pregnant and while she was a new mother once the kids got old enough that the attention was no longer on her for having had kids (and her hubby said no to anymore after three), she ditched all three kids and her marriage to chase another man.
I think all kids deserve to be wanted and loved by parents who really care about them and who will do what's best for the kids, not simply follow fads. It's hard to be a bad parent if you really want them.
I mean, I want... one. Literally, one. I am a paranoid worrier who worries about the worst so I worry that I'll lose my kid to some horrible disaster and never will be able to replace them, but I mean, that should tell you the kind of person I am. That any horrible person could actually go through a 9 month pregnancy several times and still have that little attachment is just.... horrifying to me. Oh my god.
Sadly the ability to have children does not come with a guarantee that someone will be a decent parent or that everything will be smooth sailing. Things like that are why I believe in people being honest about parenthood and knowing both the bad and good before they go into it and in them going into it because they want a child, the realities of caring for a child might have made that girl pick a better manner of attention seeking.
Yeah, admittedly sometimes I think that's it's peculiar that someone needs a license to be in charge of a tonne of metal but not one to be in charge of a human life, then I think about what sort of logistical nightmare handling it would be, not to mention what we'd do with anyone who had kids without a license.
Personally I think it would help if parenting classes were included in high school, it might scare some of the sociopaths right out of having kids if only because of the work involved.
D: That's awful.
We didn't have them and our home economics lessons sucked, they gave us a short crust pastry recipe for our pizza base. >: It tasted horrible, nobody would eat it.
The fact that you would post something like this should be very reassuring that you won't end up like some of the kind of parents you mentioned. Which is VERY good, haha. You never want to be someone like that, drunk on their own self-righteousness and patronizing. No matter what your age is, some good sober thinking is always good and always welcome.
The formula/breast-feeding debate is moot: research has shown that there's no real difference between the two. Make sure that you hold your little one often, though, especially when you're feeding them, whether it be formula or breast milk. Psychological research has shown that that kind of human touch and interaction makes a huge difference on a child's development. And it makes sense: it makes them feel that they're warm, safe and loved.
As for the whole natural-childbirth movement... I try to give each side of anything a fair hearing, but to be honest, this one has always seemed just downright silly to me. If the option were to be between excruciating pain and a relatively short (but a bitch of a) shot and some numbness, I would much rather take the latter were I a woman giving birth. That being said, health and safety--both yours and those of your child--are of the utmost importance. If there's any chance of complications (especially if your close relatives, particularly your mother and grandmother, had childbirth issues), I would urge you to take the c-section. I think it's simply the smartest choice in case of emergency.
As for giving birth normally (with painkillers), that's up in the air as far as I know. I would have to do some research as to the upsides and downsides of each, but if you so choose, I think that you could go either way, depending on your preference.
As for childbirth, yes -- for me, safety is the of utmost importance, with a quick and eventless procedure following a quick second, so you seem to understand my stance on the matter. :D I've honestly heard a ton of people saying breastfeeding is leaps and bounds above formula and they'll scream in your face if you say otherwise, but I'll probably BF myself since it's well within my means -- if I can, that is. But I would never, ever, EVER talk trash or act like a bitch to someone else for their choice if they chose otherwise. I don't get how anyone can dare do that. It disgusts me. There are a lot of other things to get indignant about in the world, you know? I can get angry about someone having 10 kids and treating them all like shit and living on welfare when they're capable of getting a job. I would not get angry about them choosing formula.
Sounds like you're a man who has the presence of mind to give all of this some consideration. ;3 I hope there are more like you in the world. ;3
I'm a little skeptical about natural child birth. i hate pain, i really do. I'm a wuss and I'm not afraid to admit that. in some respects, i kinda do want a kid and others, i don't. I'm only 21, so i know i have some time on my biological clock. I think though, when it comes to having a child, I think i'll go with a C-section. i can see the joys of raising a kid, but i can also see the pitfalls.
i don't get parents who home school their children. Although I personally didn't have a particularly pleasant time in both primary school and high school, i can see the merits of it for social inter action with other children their own age. Socializing is a good thing for kids (I feel) and helps them to develop useful skills for later on in life. It can be a good thing for adults (though, I know some adults and children can be reclusive or shy or just not very social in general).
Besides I tend to do things my way
That one is one of a long list of reasons I don't want to have a child. That list is pretty close to even with the list that makes me want to have one.
I think it's important to realize that parenthood isn't a one or two person show. It's like any other source of stress. For years, I didn't understand that, and I hated the idea of parenthood because I saw it as "my entire identity will go away so I can be a happy wage earner life support system." I dunno; it's pretty academic for me at this point anyway.
I want to go to my parents and apologize all over myself about how I was when I was a kid.
Yes, lots of things have to change unless you're independently wealthy. You have to make sacrifices. Weekends at the bar are pretty much a no-no unless you have someone you trust explicitly to take care of your kid. Anywhere you go have to include the child (or children)... but if you have the right mindset, it's not that bad. I've enjoyed my outings to the park, or watching my 2 year old eat Chinese food more than any bar trip I've ever been on.
That said, I really wish I had been able to experience natural childbirth. I wasn't able to breastfeed, because within a day of 'giving birth' they were forcing my psych drugs into me. (I was so doped up that I couldn't think right.) From what I understand, I hurt longer than either of my sisters did, even though they had their bits removed afterwards. Then again, they stitched a nerve on me so I couldn't lie down in my own bed for 6 weeks. Had to sleep in a recliner. And I couldn't take any drugs that left me totally pain free, because I had to be able to think and take care of my baby.
Here it is in a nutshell: No matter whether you go 'natural' or Cesarian, you're probably going to hurt, and there are risks and dangers with either path. You just need to do your research, talk to people who've had both, and decide for yourself which risks you're willing to put up with.
Childbirth isn't nearly as dangerous as it was even 50 years ago, unless you get a totally crap doctor.
And you'll bleed like a stuck pig for weeks afterwards either way. (Which is gross)
Side note: After my C-section, I wasn't allowed to do the naughties for two months. For me, that's a very hard burden.
As for breastfeeding, I was pretty satisfied with doing it. If mainly for my benefit of not having my breasts ache and because they finally got bigger than what they were before. Even now that I'm 6 months pregnant with my second kiddo, I still see myself doing it naturally. But do remember, in the end, unless it's a life or death situation, then it still is your choice. That's what it all comes up to.