FA+
Shop
BIOXZ: The Movie. Act III, scene 10...
14 years ago
DEAR FUTURE,
If, for whatever reason, someone decides to make a biopic of my life, I demand that today's events, as transcribed in the following, be included into the script and final cut:
If, for whatever reason, someone decides to make a biopic of my life, I demand that today's events, as transcribed in the following, be included into the script and final cut:
CUT TO:
Backstore office. BIOXZ and TONY are scanning in the latest stock delivery while bantering.
TONY
It's all your fault, Bioxz.
BIOXZ
What is?
TONY
That skin cream that got spilled all over back there. I know that was you.
BIOXZ
Was n...
TONY
Shut up!
BIOXZ
NO! I will not be silenced!
TONY
It's still all your fault.
BIOXZ
Yeah, okay, you got me. But that wasn't skin cream.
TONY
Well then, what was it?
BIOXZ
I dunno... I just started thinking about your mom, and then... that big white mess got there.
TONY
(Thick stereotypical Texan accent) If yew say so.
BIOXZ
(Stops scanning and breaks flow) For God's sake, you're ripping off David, now?
TONY
What?
BIOXZ
That "If yew say so" line is David's thing. Stop ripping him off, you cheap cunt.
TONY
What? Hey, fuck you, that's MINE! I've been using that for two years, now!
BIOXZ
I heard him say it first.
TONY
You fucking knob. HE ripped me off if he's been using that. The only line I ever ripped off him was that "Lololololololol" thing.
BIOXZ
Woah, wait, what? I never heard that one.
TONY
Yeah, sometimes when something's real funny, he goes "Lolololololol". And I started doing that, too, sometimes.
BIOXZ
The fuck, he never said "Lolololololol" to me!
TONY
Yeah? He used to do it, like, all the time.
BIOXZ
Well, why hasn't he done it with me?? Why hasn't he "Lolololololol"ed me?!
TONY
'unno. Go ask.
BIOXZ gets up and abruptly leaves.
CUT TO:
The break room. DAVID, and his new wife, ZENAB, sit at the lunch table, eating some fast food from the local food court. Suddenly, BIOXZ bursts in the room.
BIOXZ
David! Why haven't you Lololololol'ed me?!
Silence ensues. End scene.
Kubrick? It'll all end up in some surreal(er) subtext while some weird white haired guy in the back audience screams "FREEMASON MOTHERFUCKERS!!!"
Boll? You're all played by hookers because they do things for $5 actors don't do American bimbo I like my dick in.
Gans? You're all flailing back and forth getting mauled by wolves, and you're all women, because fathers don't go looking for their children after car crashes, and women have white explosions all over the floor after thinking of their girlfriend's mothers.
Bay? THAT DOOR NEEDS TO EXPLODE OFF THE MOTHERFUCKING HINGES MOTHERFUCKER! ... And you need to look like your face is half plastic and your breast are 90% silicone :3
Personally, I'm holding out hope that Ron Howard directs it, so that that bridge-troll of a brother of his is given a cameo in the movie (i dunnno what as, maybe as my grandpa's ballsac) and makes whichever Hollywood hunk they hire to play me look even more unrealistically MMM-MMM hot in comparison.
And I totally don't mind if he takes some artistic liberties, like he did in "A Beautiful Mind." Like, say, change the setting from Canada to Dubai, hire Vin Diesel to play my wife, and lead moviegoers to believe that I lived past the age of 12.
..... Except it was my boyfriend's brother that started saying lolololololol, not David.
Were you... were you graced with one, then??
Tell me what it was like. -0w0-
interesting.
Good news! There's an opening, all of the sudden. *Cleans out his locker*
Of that much, I'm, like, at least 90% sure.
So how much of that really happened and how much did you...take liberties with?
Still, I love your life, and I wanna be in the movie of it, if only to 1) watch the awesomeness ensue from the side yet still up close and 2) get to also be cast as much hotter and sexier than I could ever be IRL. :D
Though I still think you are plenty MMM-MMM hot all on your own, bro. ^_^
Aaaaaaaaaaand... no offense, but if ever there was a movie about my life with YOU in it, all your scenes would have to be cut for the theatrical release... unless, that is, by some miracle, your pants can stay on for more than one take. xD
*smirks, looks around, tries to look innocent* I'll have you know I can keep the clothes on when I absolutely have to. Though more often than not they're still extremely tight and show off everything.
And also: