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This house breeds unproductivity...
14 years ago
For the most part, this is a journal. Which means not all of the writing contained here
is meant to be a question, shout out, or contest. Just a personal update.
is meant to be a question, shout out, or contest. Just a personal update.
God-dammit I'm tired of living here. I really am. I'm sick of the mess, I'm sick of the dirt, I'm sick of this family and all of the petty drama and close calls it brings into my life on a daily basis. Alright, yeah, I admit, It's nice. I still live with my parents who pay for things, I'm still living under a roof with food and some money in my pocket. Neighborhood has a low crime rate and the people.. are shallow as fuck but mneh. I have found reasonable people.
What bothers me is the environment I have to return to everyday. It seems anywhere else I go I'm either a bit happier or i find myself being able to think easier. Here, It's clutter and a pigsty on a daily basis that literally cannot be clean. I feel like Alex mercer was correct about kipple, that it must be contained or it overwhelms everything. I keep trying to keep things clean, I really do. But no-one in this house seems to want to put forth the effort into actually sticking with it. Plus the kids next door make an annoying racket while I'm trying to work in the basement. So it's either smell the god awful staleness of the basement or deal with the sound (computers are downstairs).
Then there's my dad. I like him as a person. He has worked hard and long for me to live and be fed and clothed and for that I am eternally grateful. But what I can't stand anymore is simply being afraid. Being afraid to wear certain clothes, act a certain way around him, ect. It's wearing my patience thin that I have to wait a couple years to start hormones because I know everyday that goes by I lose some more of my softer features to fucking ugly manly ones. I already don't have curves anymore, no matter how much i work on fixing that, and that alone makes me cry. :/
Then there's my mom. I love her to death, I really really do; But I am basically a second psychiatrist to her. As much as having one on one time is special, having her bitch about my dad 24/7 isn't really my idea of a good conversation. Especially when it's every. damn. day.
My brothers are fine. They help a lil here and there and we all have a nice lil unspoken pact.
I dunno.. This just needed to get off my chest. I'm currently going through an emotional roller coaster or PMSing or something. Maybe I'm Bi-polar like my mom thinks, who the fuck knows?
What bothers me is the environment I have to return to everyday. It seems anywhere else I go I'm either a bit happier or i find myself being able to think easier. Here, It's clutter and a pigsty on a daily basis that literally cannot be clean. I feel like Alex mercer was correct about kipple, that it must be contained or it overwhelms everything. I keep trying to keep things clean, I really do. But no-one in this house seems to want to put forth the effort into actually sticking with it. Plus the kids next door make an annoying racket while I'm trying to work in the basement. So it's either smell the god awful staleness of the basement or deal with the sound (computers are downstairs).
Then there's my dad. I like him as a person. He has worked hard and long for me to live and be fed and clothed and for that I am eternally grateful. But what I can't stand anymore is simply being afraid. Being afraid to wear certain clothes, act a certain way around him, ect. It's wearing my patience thin that I have to wait a couple years to start hormones because I know everyday that goes by I lose some more of my softer features to fucking ugly manly ones. I already don't have curves anymore, no matter how much i work on fixing that, and that alone makes me cry. :/
Then there's my mom. I love her to death, I really really do; But I am basically a second psychiatrist to her. As much as having one on one time is special, having her bitch about my dad 24/7 isn't really my idea of a good conversation. Especially when it's every. damn. day.
My brothers are fine. They help a lil here and there and we all have a nice lil unspoken pact.
I dunno.. This just needed to get off my chest. I'm currently going through an emotional roller coaster or PMSing or something. Maybe I'm Bi-polar like my mom thinks, who the fuck knows?
I do know of a babyfur moving up to Spokane that's looking for roommates.. might be a bit too far for you though?
Unfortunately, there is no real solution to that, at least in my experience. I live alone now, in a tiny (and at the moment sweltering) apartment. it is nice to be in control of my space and to feel the independence of self reliance. The flip-side to that is that I'm really alone now, quite a bit. For two years it didn't bother me, but something has changed and I'm really feeling the stress of being very shut off from people.
What am I really trying to say? I suppose it's that you're not alone, however much good that is >.<, in your feelings. I'm also just trying to give you a little bit of a warning perspective that I doubt you need, it can get lonely.
Hope you feel better though. :3
I know living with parents can be rough, and it sucks to hide who you are all the time.
I got my Nintendo 64 and Smash Bros! Huzzah!
Come over, get padded and play Smash bros with me :P