It's always hard to believe that you're wanted. There's something build in to a lot of us, that keeps us from ever thinking we're good enough for anyone. Sometimes you see enough selfishness that you can't believe anyone would have your back. I can't think of a moment where I believed someone and that been betrayed.

How can you ever really tell when to trust someone? When to stop looking over your shoulder? What stops your mind from making backup plans?

I've been full of doubt for a long time. I had a lot of bad roommates that reaffirmed my fear. I even have one good one that still kicks me with a reminder every now and then. But now I'm really starting to think I can do things. I'm starting to think there's chance things can go my way. I'm starting to think I can make my plans work.

Mind you, just STARTING. I don't believe it yet; only that I may be able to soon have a chance at one time believing it is possible there is a possibility. That's still a lot farther down the line then I've been in a while.

Still though, When I see my future I see a boring, long, painful, and fruitless trudge through mud. I can't see a bright future. Not in a like... zomg my life is gonna be horrible and nobody loves me, but just.... I have no goals.... so in the end nothing really happens. I want goals, but I just can't get my mind to really... think of one.

But I'm starting to believe again. I'm starting to believe goals cold work. I might be able to work up a goal. I just have to learn how to learn how to find my goal. I just need to get myself to understand that.

In the end though.. I just want to get a lot of shit for my birthday so I can feel like this whole year wasn't useless.

Ending ramblings now.