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Odd Source of Consolation (Feeling Better, BTW, Thanks!)
14 years ago
General
What most may or may not know is that I am a HUGE fan of Channel Awesome/ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com, particularly their movie reviewers. Well, a couple of days ago, one of my faves, Phelous (http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/teamt/phelous ), did a review outside his normal "crap horror movies" domain of a fairly recent "art" movie called, innocuously enough, "A Serbian Film." I'm normally of a very open mind about many things, but this movie..."horror and disgust" doesn't scratch the surface. When a scene involving snuff porn is one of the lighter moments..? It was an especially horrifying film for fathers like myself for reasons I do not want to go into...suffice it to say, even my hard-line defending of artistic expression is strained badly by this movie. I SERIOUSLY wanna read the production team's explanation as to how this thing is actually a statement about the atrocities that have been inflicted on the Serbian people, other than a possible checklist of them...
...which is when I realized something: it DID horrify me. I am not as blase' or corrupt as I thought I was. I may have looser standards than most, but they're STILL THERE. And even a badly dented moral compass is still more than some people possess.
It reminded me of why one of my prior therapists defended my underage porn art, beyond repeatedly reminding me that it was just drawings: she pointed out that the one common thread in all of them, even the rare pieces that did feature adults interacting with (read "fucking") them, was that the kids were always the ones in control of the situation. Even the most "controversial" one with Kim and the Dorat Triplets, the adult was the one being fucked; the girls were seducing HIM, right down to Shuko being perched on his back and goading him on. She went on to explain that right there was the key to why, no matter what I may believe about myself and my upbringing, I did not possess the mindset of a child molester or, indeed, any sort of sexual predator: I actually am more concerned with the participant's pleasure than my own (the words she used were "In my professional opinion, you'd probably kill yourself rather than harm any child, in spite of what you think about yourself").
She also explained that that was a large part of why I was trapped in a loveless marriage that she correctly predicted would end within the year, but I wasn't prepared to hear THAT either, it seems...
So, basically, I'm just saying that...after that near suicidal rant in the last journal, I'm feeling better now. Really. Aside from having more horrible cinema images littering my memory, at least; oh well, they can hang out with the ones left over from Phelous' review of "The Human Centipede"...*shudder*
...which is when I realized something: it DID horrify me. I am not as blase' or corrupt as I thought I was. I may have looser standards than most, but they're STILL THERE. And even a badly dented moral compass is still more than some people possess.
It reminded me of why one of my prior therapists defended my underage porn art, beyond repeatedly reminding me that it was just drawings: she pointed out that the one common thread in all of them, even the rare pieces that did feature adults interacting with (read "fucking") them, was that the kids were always the ones in control of the situation. Even the most "controversial" one with Kim and the Dorat Triplets, the adult was the one being fucked; the girls were seducing HIM, right down to Shuko being perched on his back and goading him on. She went on to explain that right there was the key to why, no matter what I may believe about myself and my upbringing, I did not possess the mindset of a child molester or, indeed, any sort of sexual predator: I actually am more concerned with the participant's pleasure than my own (the words she used were "In my professional opinion, you'd probably kill yourself rather than harm any child, in spite of what you think about yourself").
She also explained that that was a large part of why I was trapped in a loveless marriage that she correctly predicted would end within the year, but I wasn't prepared to hear THAT either, it seems...
So, basically, I'm just saying that...after that near suicidal rant in the last journal, I'm feeling better now. Really. Aside from having more horrible cinema images littering my memory, at least; oh well, they can hang out with the ones left over from Phelous' review of "The Human Centipede"...*shudder*
I'm definitely happy you feel better. I think all of us who read and care, really hate seeing you that way over something you really shouldn't feel THAT bad about.
Dont take shit so seriously next time man, everything just kinda balances out. The major proof that you arent as bad as you thought you were, is that you were so self concious about it that you almost went and did a retarded thing like contemplating suicide.
Hope to see that funny bone of yours emerge again.