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A Chilled Glass of Amnesia
14 years ago
Prelude...
As the amber sun sets on a slow,quiet street in Rutland,England,1862,few things are so desolate than the cobble pathways on a winter night.With a population of a little over 20000,one would assume there would be more people walking the frost covered roads on a Friday night.The slow drips of melting snow and the squeaks of mice echo thru the streets.Many would call it reminiscent of a ancient ruin, standing still as life continues on around it.
Born to poverty,David grew up around depression.His father dead,the now 23 year old man had a pessimistic view on life after adopting his families broken-down inn with his two older sisters.While the city is bleak and tasteless,much like the meals he has on a daily basis,the people arriving in his inn vary much.From the drunken men with the aroma of scotch and cigars,to the prostitutes in there frilled dresses and sultry eyes.
While the inn kept a clean surface,nothing could mast or cover up the vagrant disregard of a century of poor maintenance.From the disproportional chairs to the splintered floor.Lord knows how many times David has been injured on those floor boards.Still, producing a steady income,enough to survive,one cant judge...not much at least.His sisters,Ebony and Verella,do there best to help around,but they both know David is the one in charge,and how he is fully capable of handling the inn on his own.
Our story begins with David on a slow Wednesday evening.Blowing out the candles and making a final sweep before handing the keys over to Verella and heading home.Once out the door,he makes a sharp left and heads out towards his small nest-of-a-home.As he passes the first block,a loud noise stops his motion.Before he can turn towards the noise,he is stopped by a 2X4 to the back of his head.Bairly a grunt escapes his lips as he slips into a deep state...of unconsciousness.
This a prelude to a book/novel im working on.Constructive criticism is appreciated.Hope you like.
The first sentence irks me. Something about "As the amber sun sets on a slow, quiet street in Rutland, England, 1862, few things are so desolate than the cobble pathways on a winter night."
You need to re-work it. Try, "As the amber sun sets on a slow, quiet street in Rutland, England - year 1862 - few things are so desolate as the cobble pathways on a winter night."
or "As the amber sun sets on a slow, quiet street in Rutland, England, in the year 1862; few things are more desolate than the cobble pathways on a winter night."
Then your ideas seem to jump from one to another without finishing themselves.
If I were to write it my 2nd sentence would be like this, "With a population of a little over 20000, one would assume there would be more life on the frost covered roads on a Friday night, but that was not the case. Only the slow drips of snow and the soft sqeeks of mice echo through the silence." It felt like it needed something at the end to end the thought and free you for a new one.
Then I would swith the last two sentences so it would flow like, "With a population of a little over 20000, one would assume there would be more life on the frost covered roads on a Friday night, but that was not the case. Many would call the street reminiscent of a ancient ruin, standing still as life continues on around it. Only the slow drips of snow and the soft squeeks of mice echo through the silence and give proof of passage of time." Something like that.
The rest of the prelude is good in it's flow and content. Just make sure you re-read it later and that you are happy with what you wrote.
One last thing, though. The last sentence could use more of the "..." (forgot their names, not periods, elipses?) Writing is more than just content. It's also syntax, sentence structure. Try this:
"Barely a grunt escapes his lips as he slips into a deep...state...of...unconsciousness."
Make the reader pause and slow down. Make them feel like they're going down with David.
There is a scene in "The Lord of The Flies" whre the choir boys hunt and kill a pig. It's a weird scene when they kill here because it has a bunch of broken and one word sentences. Our teacher made us go back and read it and combine the way it was written with the words that were lone senteces. So the words Hot. Thrust. Pierce. and others stuck out at us. And then when the author described the joy they felt when it was all over and when they asked each other if they enjoyed it as they layed on the ground panting, it instantly hit me. THAT WAS A MOTHERF***N SEX SCENE!! I didn't want to say it out loud but my teacher knew that I knew and wanted me to tell the rest of the class. I couldn't stop laughing and didn't want to, so she told them. That's the reason this book is the most banned books in schools, because of stuff like that. he author used words, the scene, and syntax to basically describe underaged boys having sex. They didn't actually have sex, but they did something that was damn close to it.
So when you have scenes that could be changed to involve the reader, DO IT. I'm not saing have one every paragraph or page is necessary, just in heated, emotional, or actiony parts.
Other than what was stated above, this is a nice prelude to a story.