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Unapeciation
14 years ago
Most people don't realize what they had till they loose it. Though if you had nothing to begin with then you really wont miss it will you? I have nothing. No true friends, no real sense of belonging in my family, no true brother, no real sense of direction (hell I'd sit on a bean bag and eat Cheetos all day if i could), I sense no sense of love from anyone, most of the time I'm being used. Over the past decade, I've grown quite frankly unwilling to live much longer. With each passing day it grows more and more. I'm told I'm perfectly okay. My mother seems to think my friends put the idea i need to go on anti-depressants comes from my friends. so she'd never consider it. So while i have material possessions i have no intangible things except for my shitty memories. Valentines Day, when i was a kid, i got in trouble, (Ever happen to you?) and my brother looked me in the eye's and said "You ruined Valentines day". I remember that day as possibly one of many times he bridge between me and brother got longer, as well as a day where my eternal depression started. No matter how long i stay happy, the world always seems to say, I'm going to kick you in your balls because your too happy you need to be down here with the rest of us. It never seems to fail.I get excited about something. And it either doesn't happen or, it almost doesn't happen. This causes my never ending Skepticism. Why whenever my parents say we need to have a talk to me equals "I'm in trouble" "you fucked up" "You'll never do anything right". These are initial reactions. NATURAL INITIAL REACTIONS!
I used to think positively about these things till i got kicked in the nuts too many times. I've been kicked there so much that it seems as if even if i started all over in another county speaking another language, with a whole new face, different set of memories I'd still get kicked in the nuts one too may times and become the person i am now, focusing on only the negative. As a child i was full of bright and happy energy, but slowly "life" whittled me down to the pessimistic, half empty, middle of the road waiting for a bus kind of guy i am today. Yet shockingly shockingly i still think this life and all of the shit I've endured, every crap pile that is my memories, are not worth trading. but maybe worth dying because there is nothing worth living for in this damn life. All of my experiences have taught me everything i have in life everything i will have, everything i want, everything i need, will never, never ever, ever ever. Be worth a damn. I see my future as a street urchin. That is how far i've sunk. I'll be lucky if i get a job scraping gum off of the seats at a foot ball stadium. Knowing my luck I'll be at the wrong place at the wrong time, and be involved in a gang related shooting at 24. I will never make it to 30! So congratulations, every single asshole in this world who make living a less worth living.
I used to think positively about these things till i got kicked in the nuts too many times. I've been kicked there so much that it seems as if even if i started all over in another county speaking another language, with a whole new face, different set of memories I'd still get kicked in the nuts one too may times and become the person i am now, focusing on only the negative. As a child i was full of bright and happy energy, but slowly "life" whittled me down to the pessimistic, half empty, middle of the road waiting for a bus kind of guy i am today. Yet shockingly shockingly i still think this life and all of the shit I've endured, every crap pile that is my memories, are not worth trading. but maybe worth dying because there is nothing worth living for in this damn life. All of my experiences have taught me everything i have in life everything i will have, everything i want, everything i need, will never, never ever, ever ever. Be worth a damn. I see my future as a street urchin. That is how far i've sunk. I'll be lucky if i get a job scraping gum off of the seats at a foot ball stadium. Knowing my luck I'll be at the wrong place at the wrong time, and be involved in a gang related shooting at 24. I will never make it to 30! So congratulations, every single asshole in this world who make living a less worth living.
Fuck 'em. They don't help you... do they? Well, I'm fortunate enough to have a family that loves me, but had I not, I would have made it the utmost priority to make myself fully independent from the start. IF you are past the age of 20, then there has been much time squandered already. But it is never to late to begin. Either find a job that you can support yourself on, and educate yourself, whether it be by the job itself, as an apprentice learning a trade, or by your own action. Become self-sufficient and aspire to new levels as time goes by. Of course... the process itself is far more complicated and subject to the availability of opportunity, but has anyone ever succeeded without trying? No... maybe you are doomed to failure, but there will have never been a chance to begin with if you do not apply yourself and play the game. Take the wisdom in these empty words, and put it to use. Just remember... it is your choice as to whether you may or may not succeed in life.