Current Music: "Axiom Ambient - Lost in the Translation"

I don't know why I was in such a bad mood this morning. My guess, a combination of the stupidity surrounding the "dog situation" from last night, general tiredness (yeah yeah I know I should go back on hormone therapy), and some stupid work drama. I was nearly at the point of a meltdown for pretty much the entire morning. I had a delicious lunch and then I was back down to "agiatated", and by the time I got home in the evening, I was exhausted.

I pretty much spent all morning researching aspie stuff. Hey, researching about it fascinates me. Okay, I'm a little vain too. Basically, is it wrong that I'm self-motivated? I want to do what I want, when I want. If I don't get my way, I don't cooperate. Well, that's a little exaggerated, but you get the idea. I was awesome at college, because outside of going to classes- which I didn't mind, since it wasn't mandatory- I finished my work at my pace. After two years of being gainfully employed, I still have difficulty "adjusting" to a standard work schedule. Deep down inside, I truly resent having to be somewhere 'just because'. I'm more of the "let me get my shit done and then I'm gone" attitude. There's no motivation to succeed if I'm just going to wind up "wasting" the same amount of time there, you know? My attitude probably has something to do with the fact that after two years, I have made no friends at my work and I'm actually less productive now than when I started, my vaporware project aside. Unfortunately, my delusions of a desirable workplace are just that. There's no way I could quit my job and not starve unless I won the lottery or sold sex toys to furries or something. In other words, my life goal is definitely not 'climbing the corporate ladder'- I want to be an entrepreneur, or an inventor, or business owner, something independent like that. The more eccentric the better! Good news everyone. Oh whatever, isn't that everyone's dream anyway? It'll come eventually, everything always seems to fall in line for me if I keep at it long enough.

On a slight tangent, one of the side effects of my "super powers" is that I "live in my own world" to some degree. If you've read some of my previous journals, you might know that this can lead to delusional thinking and general misconceptions about the real world. Through general maturation and moderately priced therapy, I've mostly come to terms that a lot of what I used to think wasn't exactly the gospel truth. Sometimes I do wish I could 'go back' to being completely lost in my 'fantasy world' because it felt more secure, but it really was a false sense of security! I still try to use it as a coping mechanism for the general stress of everyday life, like a mini-vacation whenever. It's just daydreaming, I guess.

One of the things I'd like to do (if I wasn't wasting all my god damn time at a job) is write more. I wrote a lot back around age 12-15, and it wasn't exactly Isaac Asimov caliber, but it was still fun as hell. Specifically, I want to write an "automythology". I just made up the word, and apparently it exists! Hooray internets. I daydream about things like Greek mythology, and the Bible, and how those works are made up of all sorts of stories and characters and themes/lessons. I think they're really cool. Over the years of exploring my own 'inner worlds', I have all of these detailed and vivid stories that I really want to share. Of course, it would all be technically fiction, but still interesting, I'd hope. I guess I don't really have a "lot" of stories, but there are lots of interesting characters and personalities. I can think of at least a dozen right off the top of my head.

I don't know, does that sound too ridiculous? :)