I don't really see the pattern or cause to these things, but it seems like my motivation to become an artist goes through violent dips and climbs, like a terrible roller-coaster of unexcitement and dissapointment. What gives?

Honestly I don't really feel that depressed about it at all, more apathetic and un-motivated. I've been asked to draw our squadron's mascot (a red wolf) on the walls of our dorms here. Normally I'd be excited to put my hobby to good use of sorts, but the crap I've been sketching and throwing away just puts me completely off the entire project! The sketch I'm about to turn in is absolutely generic and looks like a fox rather than a wolf, even though I've been staring mindlessly at several references and redrew it 3 or 4 times. I give up! I don't get it! Why is this so frustrating and such a let down??

I know this is normal, and almost all artists go though this kind of shit, so I shouldn't be worried because in a couple weeks I'll be right back to drawing again, blah blah blah. But it's always kind of stressfull to wonder if this might be the time I give it up all together and waste the 3 years of effort I've worked to build. A lot of the time when I feel this way I often browse other successfull and talented artist's galleries and try to figure out what they're doing that I'm not. The answer is both obvious and unknown to me, because whenever I put the pencil back down I can't come close to anything they accomplish. It leads me into a mindset where I try and shatter whatever techniques and styles I used to work with and build them completely anew, which is a reason my stuff just seems to jump every which way in appearance I think. And as much as I'd hate to admit it, being obsessed with dragons, maws, and vore has severely stunted my artistic growth. I need to branch away from that shit, and soon. That's not to say I wouldn't post some of it here occassionally though, I could never drop it alltogether since I love it too much.

In fact, I'm not even sure why I'm writing this here in the first place, perhaps I just need to vent a bit and my wall already has holes in it (not from me!) Really I only come on FA nowadays to look at art and maybe talk with one or two friends. I used to post stuff to get critique and chat with inspirational artists to help me improve, but now with all my training I hardly do that at all anymore so there's not really much reason to do it. In fact I often wondered why artists like us posted things like we do. I like to believe I am a modest person, but the only reason I could come up with is attention, which really bothers me to no end. Especially since that means I'd be posting my sub-par art to get it..?

All these things burrow into my mind every now and then, then run off and fade away for a bit until they make their way back. As I'm writing this I have no idea if anyone in their right mind would spend the time to read such a long and un-edited vomit of words. Maybe it's time to go watch a movie and cool off for a bit. It still doesn't change the fact I need to paint **something** artistically interesting on our squadrons walls though. And thats going to sit and rot in my head until it's finished, then probably haunt me forever when I see it every single day from now until I leave this base.

And here I thought hobbies were supposed to relax you.