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Ramblings on my mental state...
14 years ago
"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them."
-William Shakespeare WARNING: RANT AHEAD. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK
Even if nobody reads this, I need to say it somewhere public or I’ll drive myself crazy, as I already feel I’m starting to do. I swear, I can’t seem to get anything done around here. I have all these ideas in my head that given enough time I can see them in their entirety (just not at one time) and know they’re fleshed out, but the moment I try to get them out of my head, practically nothing happens. It is an incredibly frustrating feeling. It’s literally as though there’s some kind of blockage between my subconscious, which I find tends to be where a great deal of my literary ideas come from, and my conscious, which is where all the thought that leads to doing occurs. Meaning, I can’t seem to express my ideas because it feels like something’s interfering.
Now lately I’ve been feeling rather lethargic and apathetic and I don’t know why. After being so good at being self motivated, it’s now become difficult for me to get the ball rolling on anything. And there are so many things I want to see done. I have a three novel series that I want to see the light of day that I’ve put I don’t know how many hours into that’s been revised so many times, there’s a short piece I want to make for submission to fantasy literature magazines, there’s a request I need to do that’s so long overdue it’s not even funny, there are new characters of mine who want to see the light of day, and there are old characters I ought to write for again.
And that’s not even mentioning all the work I want to do to in order to build my skills as a game designer. But without artistic or programming skills, it’s difficult to make something I can demonstrate. I can’t even verify if my own ideas are feasible because I’m either not familiar enough with a great deal of the actual programming that makes a game run and there’s no way for me to really test it. I don’t even really know enough people to look over my work to get a fresh perspective.
Oh yeah, then there’s the RP stuff I’ve been trying to do. I have a whole epic Dungeons and Dragons 4th Edition campaign mosly plotted out, but unfortunately, I can’t seem to get the early portions off the ground. Then there’s a military themed Werewolf: The Forsaken that recently caught my fancy to run. Oh, and the idea of making a Pathfinder game featuring anthro characters and vore as a common tactic in combat, taking the Swallow Whole ability and extrapolating it to resemble things common in vore art here in the fandom. Yeah, about as niche as niche can get, but I just thought it’d be fun; a lighthearted, “let’s not take things too seriously” sort of campaign where a group of individuals with some common interests come together to have a little fun, interacting with others and just having a good time indulging their little eccentricities.
So here I am sitting here, writing this journal, holding down a job in manufacturing, because I can’t seem to make any progress in developing the skills needed to enter the careers I want to get into. It’s like the passion is there, but isn’t. It’s what I want to do, what I envision myself doing, and yet for some reason I just can’t seem to bring myself to do it. And when I do, it’s like there’s this filter in my head that won’t let all of my creativity through, so I get bits and pieces that don’t come together, and I can’t seem to make a solid whole.
I remember this not being the case. Most of what’s in my gallery came in one or two sittings, followed by sporadic reviews and revision before being uploaded. Now? In the last 6-7 months, I’ve written two pieces, neither of which are the request. But no matter how much I get frustrated, that block just still seems to be there. You have no idea how hard it’s been to not swear profusely throughout this journal just to express my frustration, as it’d be unnecessary and you don’t need to read that. Heck, this is more than most of what I’ve been able to write in one session. Seriously.
Even during this drought, I’ve gotten new watchers and favorites. And now I feel like I’m letting them down as I haven’t produced much new for them to read. What reason have they to watch me if I have nothing to watch? Yes, intellectually I know that I’m being a little ridiculous, but somehow my emotional side is putting up a strong argument to the contrary and it seems to be winning out in my psyche more often than not. Heck, in the last 6 months, I think I’ve written more journals like this than I have actual pieces of literature, which really doesn’t help my situation or my increasingly frustrated conscious, but I can’t keep all of this bottled inside because it’ll only make things worse. I have personal experience on that front.
It also doesn’t help that a lot of my more recent ideas have come in the form of visual art, and it’s been darn tempting to try to get commissions done of them just so that they’re out of my head and maybe that’ll reduce the amount of mental interference preventing me from writing. Or maybe it won’t. But I don’t know many artists that are either within my price range or whom are even doing commissions. There’s one I do know of that I think I can afford, and I might just say “screw it” and commission him for a comic piece featuring one of my new characters. Maybe I’ll look for other artists offering simple $5-$20 commissions just so that I can get these ideas out of my head and clean up some of the clutter in my head.
To those that made it this far, I congratulate you. I, at least, feel a little better for having written this, even if it did nothing to break my writer’s block. I’m just not sure what to do at this point.
Even if nobody reads this, I need to say it somewhere public or I’ll drive myself crazy, as I already feel I’m starting to do. I swear, I can’t seem to get anything done around here. I have all these ideas in my head that given enough time I can see them in their entirety (just not at one time) and know they’re fleshed out, but the moment I try to get them out of my head, practically nothing happens. It is an incredibly frustrating feeling. It’s literally as though there’s some kind of blockage between my subconscious, which I find tends to be where a great deal of my literary ideas come from, and my conscious, which is where all the thought that leads to doing occurs. Meaning, I can’t seem to express my ideas because it feels like something’s interfering.
Now lately I’ve been feeling rather lethargic and apathetic and I don’t know why. After being so good at being self motivated, it’s now become difficult for me to get the ball rolling on anything. And there are so many things I want to see done. I have a three novel series that I want to see the light of day that I’ve put I don’t know how many hours into that’s been revised so many times, there’s a short piece I want to make for submission to fantasy literature magazines, there’s a request I need to do that’s so long overdue it’s not even funny, there are new characters of mine who want to see the light of day, and there are old characters I ought to write for again.
And that’s not even mentioning all the work I want to do to in order to build my skills as a game designer. But without artistic or programming skills, it’s difficult to make something I can demonstrate. I can’t even verify if my own ideas are feasible because I’m either not familiar enough with a great deal of the actual programming that makes a game run and there’s no way for me to really test it. I don’t even really know enough people to look over my work to get a fresh perspective.
Oh yeah, then there’s the RP stuff I’ve been trying to do. I have a whole epic Dungeons and Dragons 4th Edition campaign mosly plotted out, but unfortunately, I can’t seem to get the early portions off the ground. Then there’s a military themed Werewolf: The Forsaken that recently caught my fancy to run. Oh, and the idea of making a Pathfinder game featuring anthro characters and vore as a common tactic in combat, taking the Swallow Whole ability and extrapolating it to resemble things common in vore art here in the fandom. Yeah, about as niche as niche can get, but I just thought it’d be fun; a lighthearted, “let’s not take things too seriously” sort of campaign where a group of individuals with some common interests come together to have a little fun, interacting with others and just having a good time indulging their little eccentricities.
So here I am sitting here, writing this journal, holding down a job in manufacturing, because I can’t seem to make any progress in developing the skills needed to enter the careers I want to get into. It’s like the passion is there, but isn’t. It’s what I want to do, what I envision myself doing, and yet for some reason I just can’t seem to bring myself to do it. And when I do, it’s like there’s this filter in my head that won’t let all of my creativity through, so I get bits and pieces that don’t come together, and I can’t seem to make a solid whole.
I remember this not being the case. Most of what’s in my gallery came in one or two sittings, followed by sporadic reviews and revision before being uploaded. Now? In the last 6-7 months, I’ve written two pieces, neither of which are the request. But no matter how much I get frustrated, that block just still seems to be there. You have no idea how hard it’s been to not swear profusely throughout this journal just to express my frustration, as it’d be unnecessary and you don’t need to read that. Heck, this is more than most of what I’ve been able to write in one session. Seriously.
Even during this drought, I’ve gotten new watchers and favorites. And now I feel like I’m letting them down as I haven’t produced much new for them to read. What reason have they to watch me if I have nothing to watch? Yes, intellectually I know that I’m being a little ridiculous, but somehow my emotional side is putting up a strong argument to the contrary and it seems to be winning out in my psyche more often than not. Heck, in the last 6 months, I think I’ve written more journals like this than I have actual pieces of literature, which really doesn’t help my situation or my increasingly frustrated conscious, but I can’t keep all of this bottled inside because it’ll only make things worse. I have personal experience on that front.
It also doesn’t help that a lot of my more recent ideas have come in the form of visual art, and it’s been darn tempting to try to get commissions done of them just so that they’re out of my head and maybe that’ll reduce the amount of mental interference preventing me from writing. Or maybe it won’t. But I don’t know many artists that are either within my price range or whom are even doing commissions. There’s one I do know of that I think I can afford, and I might just say “screw it” and commission him for a comic piece featuring one of my new characters. Maybe I’ll look for other artists offering simple $5-$20 commissions just so that I can get these ideas out of my head and clean up some of the clutter in my head.
To those that made it this far, I congratulate you. I, at least, feel a little better for having written this, even if it did nothing to break my writer’s block. I’m just not sure what to do at this point.
An example I've grown found of using is that the artists make up the skin and muscles, that which can be see and what our senses register the most vicerally. The programmers are the nervous system and nueral network; without them, the body cannot move, and can do nothing. The design is the skeleton; without the skeleton, all you have is a pile of flesh. The design is the structure upon which everything is laid upon. Art provides the stimulus needed to interact, programming provides the means with which to interact, and design gives the interaction a solidified purpose.
Take a deep breath, relax, take notes on things when they come to mind, and if it's meant to happen, it'll happen.
Also, keep track of what you are spending your time doing. Time is like money, you have to budget it, or you'll turn around one day and say hey, where'd it all go?
I'm finding it difficult to focus on learning as well. I have the first two volume of "Mastering Unreal Technology" which I've barely touched (much to my dismay) and GameMaker 8.1 which I've been planning to teach myself so that I have things I can demonstrate my designs with. But when I can't focus, it's difficult to remember and actually learn what I'm reading, and if I can't learn and absorb what I'm reading, then I'm wasting my time, and if I'm wasting my time, there's better ways to spend it. But then I never learn, as I can never seem to find the focus to concentrate on actually learning the material, and therefore they end up collecting dust, and my frustration at my own, well, I'm tempted to call it incompotence just gets me all the more frustrated. I have everyhting I need to succeed, I know I do, but I just can't seem to ever collect my mind into a state where it can actually do it. It's like I'm perpetually "half there", which is keeping me from accomplising anything, and is frustrating knowing that the only thing standing between me and success is myself.
I'm just a little scared that I won't come out of this condition I'm in, that I won't be able to go back to the creative person I once was. It's still there, I know that now (for a time I was worried I'd lost it), but it's like there's a fence between who I am know and who I used to be, and though I can see it, I can't seem to get through, managing every now and then to reach my arm through and little more.