FA+
Shop
Hospital and mindset
14 years ago
I have figured out that not just my past -which I'm handling a bit better so i don't trigger as much- isn't the only thing to my suicidal thoughts, depression and anxiety/loneliness. I've been acting 'normal'. Normally I force 'Normal' behaviors to be normal around friends, family and strangers. That means I stop all impulses, urges and twitching. It can lead to severe headaches and constantly low stamina.
Taking away those problems/being quiet/correcting my own speech all the time. Has helped the pain dull down a bit. Instead of a constant burning pressure its a low pressure/headache that feels like a rubber band squeezing my brain than an overly heated iron claw.
Head twitching, letting my impulses and urges go and do its own thing and hand twitching/flapping/flailing calms the nerves and has less strain on my body.
Letting my urges for random groaning and whimpers also helps the pain. So does sleep. 'White noise' forms into my head normally before the pain starts making it hard to think and do things normally.
Right now I'm having a hard time typing this out so I am talking out loud as I type/ singing in my head to distract myself from other things. Making my mind completely blank. It is easier to type then to talk it out and I still have a problem with 'adult' words. I still have baby speech but i try my hardest to talk 'normally' around others.
Also I have pointed out in myself that Even when I try to put myself in others shoes. Its hard to keep it, since I try to put myself in everyone's shoes before trying to think it off.
Aggravations and anger of loneliness/ trying to be alone when things are getting out of hand are connected to a very hard communication skill I hardly have. It took me three years to finally manage to look at someone in the face for a few minute without looking away. Normally when I look at someone in the face I look at one spot or the black of their eyes. Normally causing everything to fade but that area in a picture. I don't see peoples faces normally, they are gridded out or patched out like a wire frame.
I understand how extremely intelligent I can be (Even though I always feel really stupid). From learning how people work to how to press their buttons, Even more so I can beat puzzles and games in less than a week or so, even if brand new. I have an odd habit of collecting cards and stuffed animals.
As well as moving everything around so its small to big and the numbers/colors are touching. Even more so with color crayons and other games that have stored items in it or creatures. Move sets normally have to be in line where its smallest first and largest bottom. I have a hard time focusing on things as well. Very VERY hard time. I have a hard time playing over games that i have already played even if its my favorite game and i truly do wish to play it. Same thing goes with learning.
I have to 'forget it' to play or learn it after a while. Even though I can act adult like
It stresses me out more to act that way then how i normally act. When I'm upset I cry and throw a fit. When I'm around others I hide it in and try to act like everything is normal. Normally I only act how i feel around those i trust. So I get rather upset and irritated when i trust someone so much and they make fun of my speech or actions since they are 'little kiddish' or 'pitiful'.
I have a brain set of a 10 year old or younger. Though I can be as smart as someone twice my age to random things and facts. Though my default is a kid. Even how hard I try Even if i act adult.
I slowly fade into depression and illness if i keep it up to long.
I'm typing this as I think so its from my brain right to the computer. Its easier for me to type out all my thoughts then think them through then type them. So when I jump or say rude comments or childish things that I don't mean to it because I am acting on the moment and how my brain is feeling at the time. It doesn't always mean i had thought it through.
I am sorry to anyone I cause trouble to. After all this time acting 'normal' I finally am slowly acting like myself. Its rather hard to fit in with everyone because they can cope normally. I constantly have to fight myself so i can cope like a normal adult.
All and all on everything ...
I'm getting exams done for me. Doing tests to see why i act this way. why I'm always depressed and always alone even though i know everyone is there for me. I'm actually quiet happy cause I'm finally getting tested and they are finally trying to figure out why i cant act 'normal' Why my brain always hurts.
Its easier on me too cause they don't lock me away either. I just go there, get stuff done and talk then come home.
Taking away those problems/being quiet/correcting my own speech all the time. Has helped the pain dull down a bit. Instead of a constant burning pressure its a low pressure/headache that feels like a rubber band squeezing my brain than an overly heated iron claw.
Head twitching, letting my impulses and urges go and do its own thing and hand twitching/flapping/flailing calms the nerves and has less strain on my body.
Letting my urges for random groaning and whimpers also helps the pain. So does sleep. 'White noise' forms into my head normally before the pain starts making it hard to think and do things normally.
Right now I'm having a hard time typing this out so I am talking out loud as I type/ singing in my head to distract myself from other things. Making my mind completely blank. It is easier to type then to talk it out and I still have a problem with 'adult' words. I still have baby speech but i try my hardest to talk 'normally' around others.
Also I have pointed out in myself that Even when I try to put myself in others shoes. Its hard to keep it, since I try to put myself in everyone's shoes before trying to think it off.
Aggravations and anger of loneliness/ trying to be alone when things are getting out of hand are connected to a very hard communication skill I hardly have. It took me three years to finally manage to look at someone in the face for a few minute without looking away. Normally when I look at someone in the face I look at one spot or the black of their eyes. Normally causing everything to fade but that area in a picture. I don't see peoples faces normally, they are gridded out or patched out like a wire frame.
I understand how extremely intelligent I can be (Even though I always feel really stupid). From learning how people work to how to press their buttons, Even more so I can beat puzzles and games in less than a week or so, even if brand new. I have an odd habit of collecting cards and stuffed animals.
As well as moving everything around so its small to big and the numbers/colors are touching. Even more so with color crayons and other games that have stored items in it or creatures. Move sets normally have to be in line where its smallest first and largest bottom. I have a hard time focusing on things as well. Very VERY hard time. I have a hard time playing over games that i have already played even if its my favorite game and i truly do wish to play it. Same thing goes with learning.
I have to 'forget it' to play or learn it after a while. Even though I can act adult like
It stresses me out more to act that way then how i normally act. When I'm upset I cry and throw a fit. When I'm around others I hide it in and try to act like everything is normal. Normally I only act how i feel around those i trust. So I get rather upset and irritated when i trust someone so much and they make fun of my speech or actions since they are 'little kiddish' or 'pitiful'.
I have a brain set of a 10 year old or younger. Though I can be as smart as someone twice my age to random things and facts. Though my default is a kid. Even how hard I try Even if i act adult.
I slowly fade into depression and illness if i keep it up to long.
I'm typing this as I think so its from my brain right to the computer. Its easier for me to type out all my thoughts then think them through then type them. So when I jump or say rude comments or childish things that I don't mean to it because I am acting on the moment and how my brain is feeling at the time. It doesn't always mean i had thought it through.
I am sorry to anyone I cause trouble to. After all this time acting 'normal' I finally am slowly acting like myself. Its rather hard to fit in with everyone because they can cope normally. I constantly have to fight myself so i can cope like a normal adult.
All and all on everything ...
I'm getting exams done for me. Doing tests to see why i act this way. why I'm always depressed and always alone even though i know everyone is there for me. I'm actually quiet happy cause I'm finally getting tested and they are finally trying to figure out why i cant act 'normal' Why my brain always hurts.
Its easier on me too cause they don't lock me away either. I just go there, get stuff done and talk then come home.
I normally wake up at 8:30 AM, go to sleep around 9 or 10 AM wake up at 12, go to sleep till 1 if i dont wake up. Sleep at 6 or 7 PM wake up at 9 or 10 PM then i stay up till 2 AM -nod nod- Thats so you understand when im in and out on msn. Note me anytime there cause i will answer if im there. sometimes i dont change my statues back cause im to tired or groggy!
and i hope all your mental ailments will be fixed buddy
<3