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Thinking about the past
14 years ago
General
First off, I'm sorry I haven't uploaded things. One one hand my scanner no longer works, and another I can't bear to upload anything for fear of humiliation.
Lately I have been thinking obsessively about how things were. I don't like to talk about it a lot but it's constantly on my mind, being at it's worse when I was 12, getting better after that, but now getting worse again. I'd like to say that everything save for my health is fine. I just can't shake certain things that had happened. And I hate it. Because I want to be happy and make others feel happy and help them. I'm scared to talk about anything because I fear I'm going to be labeled as a whiny emo freak looking for pity...despite the fact that many people here are like 'ohh noes i'm depressed' when they are just sad and have no idea what real, clinical depression is like. I just don't know how to make these thoughs go away and maybe talking about it would help. I'd like to go into all the details, but I'm too afraid to.
Basically, I was constantly harassed in school, staring in pre school and stopping in 10th grade. This wasn't just regular teasing. It's said that 75% of people were bullied when they ere in school. I call BS in that. Everyone is called names sometimes, or treated poorly by peers. This is NOT bullying. That is teasing and that's something most people experience. But bullying is more severe, constant harassment that isn't just a couple rude comments about whatever thing. It's when you're ostracized from your entire class, your entire school, mocked for hours on a daily basis, treated like an outside by both peers and teachers. When you are harassed for so long and so often that you are brought to tears on a regular basis, when that is their INTENT, and they keep going, because the teacher punishes the victim, egging on the peers and even starting the abuse. Bullying is when no one, not the nurse, not the principal, not even your own parents believe you because the stories you tell are so far out there that most people CAN'T believe it. Bullying is something that causes severe and life long trauma...it changes your brain chemistry. Because of bullying I no longer know what it is like to feel enraged...something that I was in a chronic state of mind starting in first grade. My first memory of pre school is being led into a dark room that was out of sight and out of the way, shoved into a crate, and forgotten about for God knows how long, and being terrified of moving from it because those were the rules of the game and you weren't supposed to break rules. I always tried to be good, I never wanted any trouble, but they would intentionally try to set me off so that I'd get in trouble. I'd get calls home on a regular basis and punished at home, often for things I didn't do, and often for things that I did do...mainly crying. remember one instance where I was so frusterated that I accidentally snapped my pencil, and one half of it went flying backwards (I sat in the back of the classroom)...the teacher had told my dad that I threw a pencil at another student.
It had come to my attention that there are many things that I do not remember from 5th grade. I was told by my mother (who had learned to believe me after coming to pick me up from school and hearing the teacher SHOUTING at the class from the very end of the hallway...the very same teacher who told the students and their parents that she never yells.) that there was an incident where i physically attacked another student that almost got me thrown out and institutionalized. That is all that is known about it, but I know there's more to the story. This student dedicated their lives to make my life a living hell. The teacher didn't like me, and she played that up. She'd set me up on a regular basis by being cruel to me...then suddenly pretending to cry. The teacher would come over and punish me as if I was the one doing things to her. If she managed to bring me to tears...well, I'd get in trouble. This teacher was constantly harassing me, screaming at me, berating me, and humiliating me. Apparently she told my mother she thought I was acting out because of my father's recent death. She encouraged the bullies to gang up on me, and would bully me herself. All I ever wanted was to be left alone. As some people know I have Asperger's, which was undiagnosed at the time, her daughter was autistic. I believe she secretly hates her daughter and takes it out on students who are similar...I think this because I heard from someone who previously didn't believe me about this teacher, that their friend's son, who was also autistic, was treated in the exact same manner I described so many years ago.
As of now most of my experiences are a blur, and yet at the same time I re-live them constantly. I grind my teeth at night, causing serious and irreversal damage, because of the nightmares.
Anyone who has ever known me would know that I'm shy and quiet...and I've always been that way, even as a baby. Outside of school I was extremely well behaved and even somewhat cheerful...I got along with the other kids when I would go to beaches or places like Chuck E. Cheese and FunZone. Rarely did I cry or shout. This was not the case when I was in Elementary school because I was under so much stress from the harassment and abuse from teachers. I forgive my bullies, they were children and didn't know any better. But I hate teachers. The effects that my school experience had on me was extreme and I am 100% sure I would not have the problems I do now if it was not for what went on in there.
Middle School was hell, but that's not quite something I want to really talk about at all. Until then most of the harassment was all verbal, in middle it developed into physical violence, and sexual taunts. Though in both elementary and middle school, people stole things from me for the sole purpose of upsetting me. Until I was put in therapy, I became physically incapable of smiling. And it was only until I started college that I've became capable of smiling without forcing it.
High School wasn't that bad when it came to that kind of stuff. I had some teasing here and there, and someone broke into my locker and poured juice all over my stuff. But in general I just kept to myself and didn't speak a word. The issue I had with High School is that it treated kids like prisoners. Security cameras everywhere, locking bathrooms inbetween classes, no-pass days (where you weren't allowed to get a pass no matter what), hall sweeps (anyone in the hall the second the bell rang would get detention) , drug searches, arrests, bomb threats (all 3 happened in middle school too though) constant shouting by teachers...In middle and high school I basically blanked myself out to everything, I was physically there, but that was it. I thought all this normal, but I have people telling me that their schools weren't like that. I don't know what to think. I recently saw a documentary about schools...and all of it is correct.
http://www.tagtele.com/videos/voir/47708/1/
I was treated badly in high school, but so was everyone else. Unlike elementary school I wasn't singled out, and I was old enough to not let things effect me so much. A lot of people seem to forget that childhood is a very important part of development and you generally don't have many coping skills at say 6, as opposed to 16.
No one ever noticed anything was wrong, either. Well, that's not true exactly. In elementary my parents were told that I had to be medicated for ADHD or else they wouldn't let me in. I do not have ADHD, and my parents knew it. They also knew all the harm those medications would do. We had to go through a bunch of stupid stuff to prove I didn't have it and go back to school. The conclusion by psychologists was 'there's something wrong here, but it's not ADHD.' and that was it. This happened twice, in first and 5th grade. Interestingly, those were the worst 2 years of my life. Once I became to depressed to do anything, I didn't get harassed as much. I guess as long as you sit still and shut up, it doesn't matter to them. Even though to anyone it should've been obvious that I was in a bad place and planning something...my mom saw it in my eyes when she went to visit me in school for some schedule thing. It was in 8th grade and that's when I got any sort of real help. And you have no idea how thankful I am for it. If I did not get help I would certainly have stayed so agrophobic that I wouldn't leave me house, develop into a breakdown whenever people did so much as laugh, though it's more likely I would've ended up in a psych hospitasl, if I didn't kill myself first. I'm very glad to be alive with a mother who actually gives a crap about me in a world where it's the norm to have heartless parents, and I'm doing pretty well for myself. That's why I don't understand why I can't just get over this.
I don't really know where I'm going with this...I guess maybe a lot of people just seem so ignorant about the kind of stuff that goes on in schools. My interest in psychology is directly linked to my childhood. I want to help children, and especially autistic children who have been abused and mistreated by their school system. I want people to open up their eyes and know just how much shit goes on behind closed doors. Teachers, especially tenured teachers have free reign on whatever they want to do. As long as they follow curriculim and aren't caught having sex or doing drugs with children, they are allowed to do anything, including bullying children. This has left me with issues clinical depression, social anxiety, and panic attacks, which, while under control most of the time, will never go away. And I know that there are others who have experienced similar things...and it's not right. Not right at all.
Lately I have been thinking obsessively about how things were. I don't like to talk about it a lot but it's constantly on my mind, being at it's worse when I was 12, getting better after that, but now getting worse again. I'd like to say that everything save for my health is fine. I just can't shake certain things that had happened. And I hate it. Because I want to be happy and make others feel happy and help them. I'm scared to talk about anything because I fear I'm going to be labeled as a whiny emo freak looking for pity...despite the fact that many people here are like 'ohh noes i'm depressed' when they are just sad and have no idea what real, clinical depression is like. I just don't know how to make these thoughs go away and maybe talking about it would help. I'd like to go into all the details, but I'm too afraid to.
Basically, I was constantly harassed in school, staring in pre school and stopping in 10th grade. This wasn't just regular teasing. It's said that 75% of people were bullied when they ere in school. I call BS in that. Everyone is called names sometimes, or treated poorly by peers. This is NOT bullying. That is teasing and that's something most people experience. But bullying is more severe, constant harassment that isn't just a couple rude comments about whatever thing. It's when you're ostracized from your entire class, your entire school, mocked for hours on a daily basis, treated like an outside by both peers and teachers. When you are harassed for so long and so often that you are brought to tears on a regular basis, when that is their INTENT, and they keep going, because the teacher punishes the victim, egging on the peers and even starting the abuse. Bullying is when no one, not the nurse, not the principal, not even your own parents believe you because the stories you tell are so far out there that most people CAN'T believe it. Bullying is something that causes severe and life long trauma...it changes your brain chemistry. Because of bullying I no longer know what it is like to feel enraged...something that I was in a chronic state of mind starting in first grade. My first memory of pre school is being led into a dark room that was out of sight and out of the way, shoved into a crate, and forgotten about for God knows how long, and being terrified of moving from it because those were the rules of the game and you weren't supposed to break rules. I always tried to be good, I never wanted any trouble, but they would intentionally try to set me off so that I'd get in trouble. I'd get calls home on a regular basis and punished at home, often for things I didn't do, and often for things that I did do...mainly crying. remember one instance where I was so frusterated that I accidentally snapped my pencil, and one half of it went flying backwards (I sat in the back of the classroom)...the teacher had told my dad that I threw a pencil at another student.
It had come to my attention that there are many things that I do not remember from 5th grade. I was told by my mother (who had learned to believe me after coming to pick me up from school and hearing the teacher SHOUTING at the class from the very end of the hallway...the very same teacher who told the students and their parents that she never yells.) that there was an incident where i physically attacked another student that almost got me thrown out and institutionalized. That is all that is known about it, but I know there's more to the story. This student dedicated their lives to make my life a living hell. The teacher didn't like me, and she played that up. She'd set me up on a regular basis by being cruel to me...then suddenly pretending to cry. The teacher would come over and punish me as if I was the one doing things to her. If she managed to bring me to tears...well, I'd get in trouble. This teacher was constantly harassing me, screaming at me, berating me, and humiliating me. Apparently she told my mother she thought I was acting out because of my father's recent death. She encouraged the bullies to gang up on me, and would bully me herself. All I ever wanted was to be left alone. As some people know I have Asperger's, which was undiagnosed at the time, her daughter was autistic. I believe she secretly hates her daughter and takes it out on students who are similar...I think this because I heard from someone who previously didn't believe me about this teacher, that their friend's son, who was also autistic, was treated in the exact same manner I described so many years ago.
As of now most of my experiences are a blur, and yet at the same time I re-live them constantly. I grind my teeth at night, causing serious and irreversal damage, because of the nightmares.
Anyone who has ever known me would know that I'm shy and quiet...and I've always been that way, even as a baby. Outside of school I was extremely well behaved and even somewhat cheerful...I got along with the other kids when I would go to beaches or places like Chuck E. Cheese and FunZone. Rarely did I cry or shout. This was not the case when I was in Elementary school because I was under so much stress from the harassment and abuse from teachers. I forgive my bullies, they were children and didn't know any better. But I hate teachers. The effects that my school experience had on me was extreme and I am 100% sure I would not have the problems I do now if it was not for what went on in there.
Middle School was hell, but that's not quite something I want to really talk about at all. Until then most of the harassment was all verbal, in middle it developed into physical violence, and sexual taunts. Though in both elementary and middle school, people stole things from me for the sole purpose of upsetting me. Until I was put in therapy, I became physically incapable of smiling. And it was only until I started college that I've became capable of smiling without forcing it.
High School wasn't that bad when it came to that kind of stuff. I had some teasing here and there, and someone broke into my locker and poured juice all over my stuff. But in general I just kept to myself and didn't speak a word. The issue I had with High School is that it treated kids like prisoners. Security cameras everywhere, locking bathrooms inbetween classes, no-pass days (where you weren't allowed to get a pass no matter what), hall sweeps (anyone in the hall the second the bell rang would get detention) , drug searches, arrests, bomb threats (all 3 happened in middle school too though) constant shouting by teachers...In middle and high school I basically blanked myself out to everything, I was physically there, but that was it. I thought all this normal, but I have people telling me that their schools weren't like that. I don't know what to think. I recently saw a documentary about schools...and all of it is correct.
http://www.tagtele.com/videos/voir/47708/1/
I was treated badly in high school, but so was everyone else. Unlike elementary school I wasn't singled out, and I was old enough to not let things effect me so much. A lot of people seem to forget that childhood is a very important part of development and you generally don't have many coping skills at say 6, as opposed to 16.
No one ever noticed anything was wrong, either. Well, that's not true exactly. In elementary my parents were told that I had to be medicated for ADHD or else they wouldn't let me in. I do not have ADHD, and my parents knew it. They also knew all the harm those medications would do. We had to go through a bunch of stupid stuff to prove I didn't have it and go back to school. The conclusion by psychologists was 'there's something wrong here, but it's not ADHD.' and that was it. This happened twice, in first and 5th grade. Interestingly, those were the worst 2 years of my life. Once I became to depressed to do anything, I didn't get harassed as much. I guess as long as you sit still and shut up, it doesn't matter to them. Even though to anyone it should've been obvious that I was in a bad place and planning something...my mom saw it in my eyes when she went to visit me in school for some schedule thing. It was in 8th grade and that's when I got any sort of real help. And you have no idea how thankful I am for it. If I did not get help I would certainly have stayed so agrophobic that I wouldn't leave me house, develop into a breakdown whenever people did so much as laugh, though it's more likely I would've ended up in a psych hospitasl, if I didn't kill myself first. I'm very glad to be alive with a mother who actually gives a crap about me in a world where it's the norm to have heartless parents, and I'm doing pretty well for myself. That's why I don't understand why I can't just get over this.
I don't really know where I'm going with this...I guess maybe a lot of people just seem so ignorant about the kind of stuff that goes on in schools. My interest in psychology is directly linked to my childhood. I want to help children, and especially autistic children who have been abused and mistreated by their school system. I want people to open up their eyes and know just how much shit goes on behind closed doors. Teachers, especially tenured teachers have free reign on whatever they want to do. As long as they follow curriculim and aren't caught having sex or doing drugs with children, they are allowed to do anything, including bullying children. This has left me with issues clinical depression, social anxiety, and panic attacks, which, while under control most of the time, will never go away. And I know that there are others who have experienced similar things...and it's not right. Not right at all.
When I was going through grade school, there was a kid in my grade who had some sort of mental condition (I have no idea exactly what it was though). He was a bit of an odd kid, and conversations with him were often awkward and very one sided. He could go on forever about various scientific phenomenons and never even stop to ask "how are you," but he didn't mean to be like that. I doubt he has a mean bone in his body. He was generally very pleasant and sweet, really smart, and an awesome musician. Unfortunately, he was also quite irritable and it was easy to get him really angry if you tried to. So, of course, a bunch of kids were always setting him off for laughs. It was disgusting. They would reduce the poor guy to fits of rage out of boredom, and if, god forbid, anyone came to his defense and told them to back off, they'd start going after that person too, claiming the person had a crush on him or something. The way people will viciously attack others just because they're different will never cease to infuriate me...
Luckily, the guy's in college now, and I think he's really loving it!
I don't think anyone can really blame you for still being haunted by a past like that. It's painful to look back to your childhood and remember only terrible things like that :( But the great thing is that it's the past. While it's true you may find yourself reliving some of these moments in your head at times, you will never be forced into the horror that is grade school ever again. You don't have to deal with children as your peers. You're not stuck under the rules of a cruel, poor excuse for a teacher. Never again will you be forced to spend hours of your days with these horrible people. Your peers are older and (generally) more mature now.
It's got to be hard to get over a past like yours, and it's unavoidable that there will be days that you'll find yourself dwelling on the things that happened to you. Maybe, when you find yourself dwelling on those things, it could help you at least a little bit to try and remember that you've got your whole future ahead of you now. Sure, the future can be scary to think about too, but at least it's not the past. Blugh, I hope that helps a little bit x.x
I think it's great that you want to help kids. I'm sure you'll be a wonderful help to a lot of kids in need someday!
The guy you talk about sounds like he has Asperger's as well. Personally I dislike it when people ask 'how are you' because it is pointless and tedious and no one actually cares about how you are. I think people should get right to the conversation without wasting time on stupid small talk. The way they treated that guy sounds a lot like how they treated me in school =( I've always been pretty sensitive and would get bullied and punished for it. I don't understand what's so funny about making people cry or get angry. To this day I have extreme difficulty doing either because of what happened. It's so messed up how kids treat us that way.
Thank you for your kind words, they were very helpful.
Understandable. I'm not a huge fan of small talk either. I was just using "how are you" as an example. My real point is that conversations with him often had him doing most/all of the talking, but I don't think he realized he was doing it. He always seemed really happy when he was talking about the things he loves though, so I had no problem with it. It always killed me to see kids trying to get him mad, because he was such a sweet, happy kid when people let him be :(
I'm 200% against it.
I had a student this year in my class that was being bullied, but he was too shy to tell, and the bullies did'nt had their best day when i discovered.
I'm normally a very calm and a tolerant teacher, but if someone bullies someone else, that's when i become enraged.
I can't believe that that teacher still teaches.
I'd never even dare do that to one of my sutdents.
There needs to be more teachers like you who actually care about children.
I tried to start a program at the school where i teach to get my colleagues more aware of bullying.
You know what they said? They appreciated my concern, but they said: "There's no bullying in this school. So why care?"
Can you believe that? That's what makes me so mad sometimes! They're so wrong! Bullying happens in every school around the world! When they said that, i was getting so mad that i almost began to attack that colleage.
But i think i was lucky to be in a school when i was a student, where they where very aware of bullying.
All the teachers knew about me too and how "bad" I was.
It's sad when you're concerned about your reputation at 6 years old.
In children, depression often mainfests itself as anger. So your anger issues as a child were probably because you also had depression at such a young age.
it's not right for children to be treated in such a way. On one hand, I'm glad that I'm not alone. On the other hand, I'm upset that this even happens. What upsets me most though is how people act like this stuff DOESN'T happen, when it does all the time. It doesn't matter who had it 'worse' or whatever, the fact that these things happen at all, to children especially, is extremely messed up.