I am a horrible juggler, and always have been. I drop things, friends get left in the dark, I haven't even been on yahoo messenger in weeks. In all honesty I'm afraid to go on because of how many messages might await me, how many people will want to know. I've been gone for a long while and no one really knows why and those that do deserve more than this and believe me I hope to get to each and every one of you, but I'm so tired, so very tired, worn out, and on empty.

I moved semi-recently....again. And through no fault of anyone's own I was left for the most part to move out an entire townhome. I'm not complaining, everyone had their own work to do and do what needed to be done. The U-Haul was too small so we rented a trailer, and that wasn't enough even with my pick-up loaded to the max. Time was short, money was tight, nothing could be done, so we left knowing I would drive back 760 miles to get the rest.

I made it to our new place on a half-hour sleep after two days of packing up the U-haul. We unpacked the U-Haul, trailer, and truck. Returned the U-Haul. I slept a few more hours then left and drove back down which somehow took me 14 hours to do with a stereo that didn't work and an I-Pod that was out of juice.

Got back to the townhome, the power was already turned off and it was night. Packed up the truck as best as possible and left so much behind. I was so fortunate that my friend Basil came down and we filled up his little car with stuff of mine that I couldn't bare to part with and he's keeping it at his place for the time being.

Drove back up, me and my driving buddy took turns driving and sleeping. I started work the very next day. It started snowing, then raining, then the snow melted, then flooding happened, then the garage started flooding and I was up to 4am getting cardboard boxes to higher ground.

Work takes an hour to drive to, it's fucking Christmas season, my cards are already maxed out from the move, I'm waiting so patiently on my insurance to get me a settlement check from my car accident back in February (I was rear-ended in stand-still traffic in my car that was completely paid off with only 35,000 miles on by some immigrant who didn't speak English, didn't have a license, didn't have insurance...good times), and then I get word from my relatives in Southern California that my grandmother has passed away.

I'm trying to get money together, and then somehow financial disaster strikes yet again...my last paycheck from my old job was supposed to be advanced to me before the move took place, but it didn't come so my boss thought to advance me the check in cash and I'd leave a check for the same amount so he could cash that when my last check did arrive. Apparently, during the chaos of the move the check was still deposited into my account. So in other words I was paid twice and only knew of the physical cash advance. Almost a month later I'm hit for almost $900 in my account that only had a few bucks in it. So now there is no way in Hell I could make the plane trip down for my Grandmother's funeral, which costs $550 with a side trip to Las Vegas and a 3+ hour layover only to take me to an airport 2.5 hours away from where my parents are in the first place. I can't drive it because Grant's Pass is snowing and bloody dangerous, and taking the 101 instead of the 5 would take days.

I've finally had my first day off in 7 consistent work days. It's that fucking time of the year, people honking at each other, praying for a parking space and not getting t-boned in the process, and then this fucking idiot in my store nearly throws down with some 50 year old because he thinks he cut in front of him in line at the register. FUCKING GROW UP!!! He just starts cussing him out to the point where we called for security but of course by the time they get there he's gone, but I'm shaking so badly at the register I can't even type.

I loathe Christmas music and can't escape it. I'm so sick of it! It makes me feel monetarily inadequate, and I refuse to accept the fact that everything will be wonderful and perfect, no cares in the world.....because let's face it....shit happens....people pass on...and I won't be home for Christmas. I hate that song....I was in a sushi bar for lunch and it was playing...I started thinking about how I couldn't afford the plane ticket to my grandmothers funeral and just started sobbing, left money on the table, and walked out into the rain.

The night before I watched "Bridge to Tarabithia" unknowing that halfway through the movie, COMPLETE 180!!! and I spent the rest of the night sobbing like a baby.

But you know what? Through all that I'm alright, and here's why. Because life happens. Because shit happens. Because it's not like it hasn't happened to someone else and it hasn't been a lot worse. Hell.....I can still see, I can hear, taste, touch, walk, and draw (though it has been too long and then there's that little issue of my hand shaking which really gets depressing)...I'm not homeless on the street, I have books to read, and on top of all of that I have a loving wife who has held me through all of this, who has calmed me, stroked my hair, held me to her bosom, smiled with me, cried with me, and most of all....has made me chocolate milk.

I am very lucky and very fortunate. I am grateful. I just hate being in debt and paying of loans. I really do. Credit cards are evil. Pure evil.

And I am so sorry to everyone who hasn't known what has been going on. Again, I've been so tired, so worn out. It's taken everything I have to not get sick, to stay in good spirits, and to get this house unpacked. I have been attacking these boxes relentlessly and I just want it over and done with. I'm so tired of moving...the costs, the time, having to depend on others for help and take them away from what they need to do just so you can leave them. =(

There has been more things, other bits that have happened that have just led to agony and frustration, but I don't want to be so negative. That's one of the reasons why I stopped doing a Live Journal, because I realized all that I was doing was just ranting and complaining and being pessimistic, which most of you know, is not me at all.

Again, I am so sorry for all those who have been so kind and good to me, who just want to know me, be a friend, talk to me. I owe so much to so many, and again, I'm so horrible at juggling things. I don't go on Second Life anymore because it's too much to try and keep track of. Yahoo Messenger is hard enough, and with all my commissions... I'm so sorry, and I know, I know, I don't have to apologize, I don't have to do a lot of things, but it's who I am.

I hope to post something soon, I hope to get in contact with many of you, I hope to get through art that I owe to others, I hope to do a lot of things. I've had to be selfish for a moment and take care of me for a while, but know that I'm safe, I made it, I'm alive and well and still have much to be thankful for.

At any rate, have a good holiday, be well, and know that I haven't forgotten any of you.

Love,

Grrrwolf