I think that perhaps it's helpful to vent to folks from time to time. I don't know about so open a forum like this, but, I suppose for some it helps a lot more than just confiding in one or two individuals. I hate asking this, but, have you ever considered seeing a therapist? You mentioned that you had an emotional shutdown when you were a kid. Perhaps there's still trauma there that might need to be brought to light. I don't know for sure, but, it's just an avenue of thought. All I can really do is wish you the best and hope that you can work through things and figure something out.

I talked to a therapist for 6 years...I forgot to mention at that time I was also fighting the fact I liked guys in a town that was EXTREMELY biased...plus my dad was raised menonite and has very strong religious beliefs...I was scared, every time they asked me about gay porn I had looked at, I blamed it on one of my friends -.-; or said that it was pop-ups

but I have thought about the possibility of seeing one again...just because of my horribly poor self-image/esteem problems =\

you don't talk to meeeeeee;3;

I'm sorry =<

you don't talk to me either! >:C

=< in all fairness neither of you talk to me! D: So it's not just one party here! xP

We're here for you, Myd, always remember that

thank you Sar, I hope...in time...I can really get past all this and become stronger as a person

I'm sorry to hear about your predicament =/ But people weren't really made to keep all their emotions bottled up inside, eventually they'll find their way out one way or another. I've known many people who would never tell me anything about what they were feeling and only had a happy exterior at all times sometimes with the good intention of not worrying others though sometimes that worries me more than when somebody's openly showing me their wreck of emotions all the time, there's nothing wrong leaning on others from time to time though I can understand your reservations with your history.

As for your question about posting specific journals to vent, I'd say find the best way and stick to it. There are many people here than can be very supportive though I'm not sure if sending a journal out like this to let everyone see if a good idea or not. Though I'm sure for someone like you, for you to get to the point where you're posting a journal for help means it's pretty serious.

I'm talking to a good, close therapist friend here on FA, I've made it clear the talks are fully on a professional level and I don't want him to treat me like a friend...but as a client for 1 hour a week

he doesn't have a paypal so I'm paying him through commissions...which I already talked to fredrik about and he's ok with it...because this is going to benefit me, which will benefit the both of us

Yep I got that =D I was actually trying to post this on before FA went down I think for a few moments then once it came on I noticed your 3 new journals.

which I deleted two so now it's just one xD;