recently, less than 10 minutes ago i watched a documentary titled Taboo. it focuses on all the things in our world that normal society can view as abnormal, unbelievable, backward, wrong, sinful, disgusting and even evil. the subject of the one i watched was on Roleplay, seeing it explained soo well and with actual opinions from credited psychologists and psychietrists in agreement to the subject AND having that braudcast across god knows how many nations of the world was almost exilerating for me because i related very closely to what was said and it made me think very hard about what i consider as just a way of relieving stress.

one of the interveiws was with a second life player... a young, good hearted man from florida who lives with has a real family, a wife, a real son and daughter. he lives well in a lovely town house with every day people as friends, he abides by codes of conduct and acceptable actions happily, he wouldnt dream of breaking the law and he certainly wouldnt think about doing anythign against his wife and family, but when his family goes to bed at night, there on the internet he switches to Stroker who is a self proclaimed sex god! he has virtual freinds all over the world with who he has the most lewd sex with every time he goes online, and not just that but a wife who he loves with all his heart as if she were real, and also a virtual daughter who he loves equaly as much, and has large amounts of sex with on a regular basis... THAT IS FEDERAL!!!! the worst kind of crime punishable by life imprizonment, maximum security in EVERY country never mind stepping the friendly barrier he has gone and fucked his daughter!!. yet he is deathly against all of these actions in reality but he still parforms them for kicks in second life. though all this its not just for the faps, he listens to the players problems and talks with them as the character comforting them with real emotional effects, he truely cares for the characters and their players just as much as his real family. now i can relate highly to this state of mind. i have a character *not my main* who has intimate relations with his daughter semi-regularly, though adopted mind you but still his daughter. in reality i would have shot that mutherfucker. tell you the truth i dont even want to have kids, i could never see myself with a family because i get far too emerced in what i do both in reality and not that i would just end up ignoring and neglecting them, if i tried the result would always be messy brakeups and lawyers apon lawyers apon lawyers. BUT what hit me the hardest was how much impact the virtual world can have on what happens in reality. this second life player being interviewed earns SIX-FIGURES!! off the selling of his incedibly massive array of sexual object and animations he makes as a proffesioanl animator including but not limited to virtual and functional bodily organs, sound effects, multi positional beds, highly functional sex-beds, whips, chains, clothing, bondage, functional aperatuses, dances, sexual positions and god only knows what else. he is so emerced in his roleplay that he is running his real life off what he dose in his 'second life'. fantacy so close to reality that he can buy a fucking ford terretory with the sale of the most contravertial type of sex

all this hit me very hard! every roleplay i start is a rejection of my real self, depending on the complexity and the skill of the other player i can actualy forget who i am and i can fall into the character i play dispite gender, age or species and literaly become that person. these characters arent just something made for fun, they are parts of my conscious mind with their own feelings, their own likes and dislikes, their own wants, their own needs, their own passions, their own conscience. in reality i wouldnt dare do the things i do online becaus i am fully aware of what they might do to myself and others. even the starships i create are so close to reality that i can quote you every component face to face, the composition of each component and just how much of a certain element is used in its construction by weight or mass, every detail, every component interlink and its relation and effect on other components. what i can imagine like this in fantacy and virtual brings it soo much closer to reality i can feel its effects physicaly

i dont expect anyone to really understand... i bearly understand it myself, but that is the reason i keep doing it because it is so interesting, its not just my need and desire to escape from reality and cope with my problems, it is also my need to understand. and it IS a matter of considerable questions, how far is too far? how real can fantacy get before it starts effecting or even aultering reality? will fantacy insite real actions? would reality even exist without fantacy? can fantacy have real life consiquences dispite having no consiquences within itself? is fantasy a reality unto itself? where is the line drawn between fantacy and reality? and exactly how far can that line be bent and warped before it snaps?

i just had to write this down because my mind was a mess of charged up drives and hot ideals that i just had to braudcast myself! i actualy had the shakes while typing because of the force i was hit, the last time i shoock like that was from watching Avatar for the first time in 3D, and i was stumbling for a week after that. even that fantacy had a real impact. now i will be riding this natural high for months

i feel almost invincible!! and i have no idea why