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Thoughts -AS OF 8.17.11- :personal jibberish:
14 years ago
General
Can you hear them? They're calling... So here I sit at a little past two in the morning smoking one of my parliaments. For the most part, the head cold that has tortured me for the last two days is being forced to pack it's backs and leave for good... But I can't help but wonder about everything in that process. So I guess I'm gonna time myself to see how long it takes me to write this... It's about 2:21 in the mornin' right now...
I guess, to start my thoughts off... I really want to know how a minor would know what love is and know how NOT to make it dramatic. I mean, sure, I'm cool with kiddos dating other kiddos, but until one of those kiddos is 17, I don't approve of the idea of kiddos dating people older than 20. Hell, I could be a completely stuck up prick about the subject. But dude, that's just fucking wrong. Maybe if I wasn't such a sourpuss on relationships it wouldn't bother me so much... No, it'd probably still bother me. I mean, they're still a fucking kid. And a lot of the time its quite obvious that they're still a kid because they try to act like they're an adult when they really are just ruining their childhood. I don't think I'll ever understand kids... I mean, when I was 15, I was happy being single. I didn't get my first relationship until I was... Let's see... March, April... July, August... At least a few months after my 16th birthday. Honestly, that was my only good relationship... Don't get me wrong, the... Four? No, five I've had after that were all fine and dandy, but dude, my first real relationship was probably the best relationship I had. I know I attempted dating in middle school and honestly, I regret it. I don't consider those real relationships, though there were three. I just don't. I didn't have the mental stability(ahaha what is this mental stability I speak of you ask? Good question. Lemme know when you figure it out.) that I do now. I was a complete fucking wreck in middle school because everyone made fun of me, whether it's because I'm "fat" or because in middle school, I came out as bi. Was I certain about my sexuality? Hell fucking yes I was. But it made other people uncomfortable, which made me uncomfortable. Believe it or not, when I was a tater tot, I was a total fucking people pleaser, though I failed at it simply with how I looked... And it honestly really fucked my world over.
I hated it... I mean, I fucked up enough as was. I learned that some, if not ALL, of my friend from Elementary school talked shit about me simply because of how I looked. I guess that's why the only real friend I ever really had when I was a kid was Josh... Then he up and offed himself because some dumb bitch who pushed him out of her vagina said he didn't have the balls to do it. THEN proceeded to blame ME for his death. Yeah, Lis, it's totally my fucking fault. Which brings me to another story. Most people named Lisa are fucking psychotic cunts who don't give a damn about shit except themselves. Whatever. I'll go on with that a little later. But yes, Josh's mom's name was Lisa. Now his dad, Dante, and I actually had a decent relationship with one another. The only thing that bummed me out was I was only able to see Dante, who grew to be almost like a father to me, when Lisa was out of town because she loathed my presence that much. She went as far as to take Josh out of public fucking schooling because of me. There were probably other factors, but from what both Josh AND Dante told me when I was a tater tot, it was predominantly because of me. Though I rarely talk to Dante since Josh's death, he has let me know where Lisa moved to, which makes me hesitant on even wanting to visit three of the coolest friends I've met since... "Growing up". Yeah, that's right, I said it. Growing up. Candas, Eris and Ally are probably three of the coolest people I've ever started talking to. Sure, I've been talking to Eris and Ally for the shortest periods of time since talking to Candas, but the fact that I was able to make friendships with two people out in Indiana because I started talking to Candas because of a fucking roleplay is fucking amazing. I owe her for all the bullshit drabbles she's listened to that have come out of my mouth, just like I owe Ally and Eris for listening to me bitch or be an emo kid because of who I am. The three of them are awesome fucking people... I wouldn't change my friendship with them for anything. Hell, I won't even let the idea of Lisa living in Northern Indiana ruin my hopes of one day going to Southern Indiana just to meet them and hang out with them. They're fucking amazing, especially since they care enough to listen to my bullshit even though I'm in another state. Don't get me wrong, I love my Justy and my Harleigh and of course I can't forget my Charlie, but I don't talk to those three as much as I do Candas, Ally and Eris... Would I chance my friendships with any of them? Hell no! I love all of them, just like I love all of my friends... But since the separation of the CZers, I've been nervous to get close to them(Charlie, Harleigh and Justy) again because I don't want to lose contact with them...
Then there are the friends that I have locally. Momo, Danny... I love those fucking boys to the fucking T, man. Those two are my partners in crime, my greatest allies, my best friends... They're my brothers. I can't strain how much I fucking love those two. I mean, yeah, like I stated, I love all of my friends. But those are the two that I know for a fact won't judge me. That I know for a fact will listen to my stupid bawling and not judge me... That's because they aren't assholes like some of the 'friends' I've come in contact with like, once more to reiterate the 'Most Lisa's are psychotic cunts'... Any Destiny I've met, no matter the spelling.... Like I told Ally earlier this evening. Honestly, I think the only person that I hate with every fucking fiber to my being is Lisa... But I didn't tell her it's both Lisa's. And I don't hate either of them because they wronged me. Oh no oh no that is not why I hate them. I hate Josh's "mother" Lisa because she hurt Josh. I hate the other Lisa because she hurt Doug, Meg, Kris, Danny and so many other fucking people... The fucking cunts hurt countless people... Both Destiney and Destiny... I can't hate them... I mean, sure, they have wronged my friends and they have wronged me, just like both Lisa's have, but dude... I wasn't as close to the friends that they fucked over as I am to the friends that the Lisas fucked over. I mean, shit, Lisa 2 honestly tried to kill my fucking relationship with Beetle, Reux... Worst of all, she tried to kill my relationship with Danny. I mean, yeah, everyone means the world to me, but Danny is my fucking brother, man...
But to go on about Destiny... I'm pretty sure she still has no fucking idea how badly she shattered my fucking heart... I remember walking back to Momo's car between Momo and Danny, Momo holding my hand and Danny keeping close... I was fucking bawling. I lost one of the most important people in my fucking life because I'm a fucking moron... And now, I will never get her back because, as she stated, she needs to "move on to her future and she can't do that while her past is still following her." Then answer me this, Ms. Williams, why exactly did you get in contact with Danny again? Is he not apart of your past...? Or are you just doing it because he's with Willow now... I don't even fucking know... *sigh*
Ahah... Just think, this started about relationships...
So I'm going to continue to write this simply because I want to know. Curiosity might've killed the cat, but satisfaction sure as fuck brought that fucker back. So I light up another parliament, though I'm now down to two, in hopes that maybe this will help calm my shaken hands and my thudding heart, though I know it won't...
What exactly is "love"? Is it real? I mean, I know I've experienced falling in love, but I've also experienced immense heartbreak over and over again because of one person... I could pull out the usual emo crock of shit and say "it's all whatshisname or whatshername's fault", but honestly, it isn't their fault... If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be in the first place. I know it's not their fault. Oh well... But that brings me to my next little bit... I don't care what you people say, I like Charlie Sheen. A quote from him is a quote that I follow just so I can cover up my heartbreak.
The easiest way to avoid heartbreak is to pretend you don't have a heart. That's right. I said it. I am a cocky, arrogant asshole because I pretend I don't have a heart. It seems to be better for me in the long run. Sure, I show some people that I have a heart. That's not everyone. Heartbreak can apply to not only relationships, but to friendships as well... After the pool hall incident, which some of you(if anyone even bothers to read this) actually know the full-fledged details on... I really just wanted to fucking off myself that night... After we had left. There's that inner demon, whose name is Bo, inside my mind that was egging me on to do it. Luckily, I wasn't taken to the Denver house that night(or what was referred to as the Denver House at that time...) or else I probably would have. That was one of the worst fucking nights of my life. In the events of that night, I felt like I stabbed everyone in the back... Upon feeling that, Bo bubbled to the surface and whispered with a poison-laced honey-sweet voice, "they're all better off without you, kid. You're only causing them all pain. They won't even care when you're gone..."... I never wanted to cause pain to anyone... And yet I did... To some of the most important people in my life... And sometimes, I wish I was taken back to this house I'm in now just so I could have done it. But then I remember Josh... I remember Momo... I remember Danny... I remember Doug, Meg, Kris, Reux, B, the girls. I remember Candas, Eris and Ally... Of course there are others, don't get me wrong on that. But those are the people who always come to mind first... And I realize that it's good that I wasn't brought to this cage... Because if I was, I would have hurt them badly by doing something I know I would have regretted if I was able to go through with it...
But seeing is how I actually started writing this an hour ago, only noted the time as 2:21 because that's what I read on the clock... I'm going to lay down... After all, I'm still suffering from this cold...
Night...
I guess, to start my thoughts off... I really want to know how a minor would know what love is and know how NOT to make it dramatic. I mean, sure, I'm cool with kiddos dating other kiddos, but until one of those kiddos is 17, I don't approve of the idea of kiddos dating people older than 20. Hell, I could be a completely stuck up prick about the subject. But dude, that's just fucking wrong. Maybe if I wasn't such a sourpuss on relationships it wouldn't bother me so much... No, it'd probably still bother me. I mean, they're still a fucking kid. And a lot of the time its quite obvious that they're still a kid because they try to act like they're an adult when they really are just ruining their childhood. I don't think I'll ever understand kids... I mean, when I was 15, I was happy being single. I didn't get my first relationship until I was... Let's see... March, April... July, August... At least a few months after my 16th birthday. Honestly, that was my only good relationship... Don't get me wrong, the... Four? No, five I've had after that were all fine and dandy, but dude, my first real relationship was probably the best relationship I had. I know I attempted dating in middle school and honestly, I regret it. I don't consider those real relationships, though there were three. I just don't. I didn't have the mental stability(ahaha what is this mental stability I speak of you ask? Good question. Lemme know when you figure it out.) that I do now. I was a complete fucking wreck in middle school because everyone made fun of me, whether it's because I'm "fat" or because in middle school, I came out as bi. Was I certain about my sexuality? Hell fucking yes I was. But it made other people uncomfortable, which made me uncomfortable. Believe it or not, when I was a tater tot, I was a total fucking people pleaser, though I failed at it simply with how I looked... And it honestly really fucked my world over.
I hated it... I mean, I fucked up enough as was. I learned that some, if not ALL, of my friend from Elementary school talked shit about me simply because of how I looked. I guess that's why the only real friend I ever really had when I was a kid was Josh... Then he up and offed himself because some dumb bitch who pushed him out of her vagina said he didn't have the balls to do it. THEN proceeded to blame ME for his death. Yeah, Lis, it's totally my fucking fault. Which brings me to another story. Most people named Lisa are fucking psychotic cunts who don't give a damn about shit except themselves. Whatever. I'll go on with that a little later. But yes, Josh's mom's name was Lisa. Now his dad, Dante, and I actually had a decent relationship with one another. The only thing that bummed me out was I was only able to see Dante, who grew to be almost like a father to me, when Lisa was out of town because she loathed my presence that much. She went as far as to take Josh out of public fucking schooling because of me. There were probably other factors, but from what both Josh AND Dante told me when I was a tater tot, it was predominantly because of me. Though I rarely talk to Dante since Josh's death, he has let me know where Lisa moved to, which makes me hesitant on even wanting to visit three of the coolest friends I've met since... "Growing up". Yeah, that's right, I said it. Growing up. Candas, Eris and Ally are probably three of the coolest people I've ever started talking to. Sure, I've been talking to Eris and Ally for the shortest periods of time since talking to Candas, but the fact that I was able to make friendships with two people out in Indiana because I started talking to Candas because of a fucking roleplay is fucking amazing. I owe her for all the bullshit drabbles she's listened to that have come out of my mouth, just like I owe Ally and Eris for listening to me bitch or be an emo kid because of who I am. The three of them are awesome fucking people... I wouldn't change my friendship with them for anything. Hell, I won't even let the idea of Lisa living in Northern Indiana ruin my hopes of one day going to Southern Indiana just to meet them and hang out with them. They're fucking amazing, especially since they care enough to listen to my bullshit even though I'm in another state. Don't get me wrong, I love my Justy and my Harleigh and of course I can't forget my Charlie, but I don't talk to those three as much as I do Candas, Ally and Eris... Would I chance my friendships with any of them? Hell no! I love all of them, just like I love all of my friends... But since the separation of the CZers, I've been nervous to get close to them(Charlie, Harleigh and Justy) again because I don't want to lose contact with them...
Then there are the friends that I have locally. Momo, Danny... I love those fucking boys to the fucking T, man. Those two are my partners in crime, my greatest allies, my best friends... They're my brothers. I can't strain how much I fucking love those two. I mean, yeah, like I stated, I love all of my friends. But those are the two that I know for a fact won't judge me. That I know for a fact will listen to my stupid bawling and not judge me... That's because they aren't assholes like some of the 'friends' I've come in contact with like, once more to reiterate the 'Most Lisa's are psychotic cunts'... Any Destiny I've met, no matter the spelling.... Like I told Ally earlier this evening. Honestly, I think the only person that I hate with every fucking fiber to my being is Lisa... But I didn't tell her it's both Lisa's. And I don't hate either of them because they wronged me. Oh no oh no that is not why I hate them. I hate Josh's "mother" Lisa because she hurt Josh. I hate the other Lisa because she hurt Doug, Meg, Kris, Danny and so many other fucking people... The fucking cunts hurt countless people... Both Destiney and Destiny... I can't hate them... I mean, sure, they have wronged my friends and they have wronged me, just like both Lisa's have, but dude... I wasn't as close to the friends that they fucked over as I am to the friends that the Lisas fucked over. I mean, shit, Lisa 2 honestly tried to kill my fucking relationship with Beetle, Reux... Worst of all, she tried to kill my relationship with Danny. I mean, yeah, everyone means the world to me, but Danny is my fucking brother, man...
But to go on about Destiny... I'm pretty sure she still has no fucking idea how badly she shattered my fucking heart... I remember walking back to Momo's car between Momo and Danny, Momo holding my hand and Danny keeping close... I was fucking bawling. I lost one of the most important people in my fucking life because I'm a fucking moron... And now, I will never get her back because, as she stated, she needs to "move on to her future and she can't do that while her past is still following her." Then answer me this, Ms. Williams, why exactly did you get in contact with Danny again? Is he not apart of your past...? Or are you just doing it because he's with Willow now... I don't even fucking know... *sigh*
Ahah... Just think, this started about relationships...
So I'm going to continue to write this simply because I want to know. Curiosity might've killed the cat, but satisfaction sure as fuck brought that fucker back. So I light up another parliament, though I'm now down to two, in hopes that maybe this will help calm my shaken hands and my thudding heart, though I know it won't...
What exactly is "love"? Is it real? I mean, I know I've experienced falling in love, but I've also experienced immense heartbreak over and over again because of one person... I could pull out the usual emo crock of shit and say "it's all whatshisname or whatshername's fault", but honestly, it isn't their fault... If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be in the first place. I know it's not their fault. Oh well... But that brings me to my next little bit... I don't care what you people say, I like Charlie Sheen. A quote from him is a quote that I follow just so I can cover up my heartbreak.
The easiest way to avoid heartbreak is to pretend you don't have a heart. That's right. I said it. I am a cocky, arrogant asshole because I pretend I don't have a heart. It seems to be better for me in the long run. Sure, I show some people that I have a heart. That's not everyone. Heartbreak can apply to not only relationships, but to friendships as well... After the pool hall incident, which some of you(if anyone even bothers to read this) actually know the full-fledged details on... I really just wanted to fucking off myself that night... After we had left. There's that inner demon, whose name is Bo, inside my mind that was egging me on to do it. Luckily, I wasn't taken to the Denver house that night(or what was referred to as the Denver House at that time...) or else I probably would have. That was one of the worst fucking nights of my life. In the events of that night, I felt like I stabbed everyone in the back... Upon feeling that, Bo bubbled to the surface and whispered with a poison-laced honey-sweet voice, "they're all better off without you, kid. You're only causing them all pain. They won't even care when you're gone..."... I never wanted to cause pain to anyone... And yet I did... To some of the most important people in my life... And sometimes, I wish I was taken back to this house I'm in now just so I could have done it. But then I remember Josh... I remember Momo... I remember Danny... I remember Doug, Meg, Kris, Reux, B, the girls. I remember Candas, Eris and Ally... Of course there are others, don't get me wrong on that. But those are the people who always come to mind first... And I realize that it's good that I wasn't brought to this cage... Because if I was, I would have hurt them badly by doing something I know I would have regretted if I was able to go through with it...
But seeing is how I actually started writing this an hour ago, only noted the time as 2:21 because that's what I read on the clock... I'm going to lay down... After all, I'm still suffering from this cold...
Night...
