The main reason I posted this article was because it pretty accurately described the relationship between my ex and me to a distressingly dead-on degree, including all the flawed rationales, thought processes, and, worse, actions I underwent during the whole romantic bullet-train ride to Hell. I just wanted to see, well, how common my mistakes were in general, and, as always, you who responded have given me a lot to think on.

Personally, I don't do "nice things" for recognition...which is good, considering how little I GET. I just heard something as a kid that I ended up taking to heart: "Leave it better than you found it." It sounded like a good idea. I guess I should aim a little higher, considering my self-esteem issues were officially classified as "pathological," but as a general day-to-day motto it's kept me going pretty well. I just figure if I make things a little better for the next person, or at least don't make things worse, then maybe it'll pay forward and I won't have to listen to as many "multiple homicide/mother kills her own kids/hate crimes on the rise" news reports down the road. I guess that's pretty selfish, if you wanna look at it that way, but I'm sick of feeling like I should hide from the world because of how terrible everyone is.

I mean, in my time, I've seen race riots, MULTIPLE school shootings (including one at my old high school), two international wars in the SAME DAMN PLACE, planes slamming into buildings, mass suicides...and I see everyone getting so fucking DOWN, like it's EXPECTED. So, I figure, maybe if I treat the next person better than they probably expect, like give a big tip or pick up some trash or just be NICE when it's not necessary to be, maybe it'll, I dunno, make them wanna be nice to the next person THEY cross. Yeah, as often as not, it just leads to someone labeling me as an "easy mark" or someone to take advantage of, but I've sufficiently proven I can take care of myself if it comes down to it, so whatever. I suck ass under normal circumstances, like I'm fail incarnate, but that's MY cross to bear, it doesn't mean I should drag everyone else down too.

So, yeah, maybe there IS some sort of "reward" I'm expecting from my actions. I want to try and leave things a little better, so my son doesn't end up living in as much of a fucking hell-hole of a world. So sue me. I'm not stopping it.