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An Astro Allegory: Part 26
14 years ago
...and as Astro converted yet another poor soul into a bird, he quaaked out in malice: “Mwack! You're a SANDPIPER!”
“Peep peep,” Science_Sandpiper cried out. Matugoose was nearby, guiding his now fellow feathery into the dark duck ranks. In time, they would grow to enjoy their new forms, but only due to the influence of Astro Q. Duck...
That is, until Tai came along.
Tai, an ottery holdout of the Feathery Foray, decided to do something about the Duck's conversion. He was mad as hell, and wasn't going to take it anymore.
“I'm not going to take it anymore!” I said, boldly standing against the Tyranny of the Duck.
Astro chirped up with his evil evil voice. “Let's play a game, Tai!”
“YES. Let us duel under the rules of CM2008.”
“But you've only played that twice, quack!”
Silently I admitted my inexperience to myself. Before Astro had turned his mind to ducky domination, we had two friendly spars under the rules of CM2008 - both of which I had lost. The last duel was extraordinarily close - I had come within one maneuver of stalemating, but in the end, defeat was my fate. I ignored these facts and shouted at the top of my otterlungs - “ASTRO! IT'S TIME TO DUEL! LOSER CHANGES SPECIES!”
Venom dripped as the avian lashed his evil tongue in reply: “Oh, ok!”
Lightning flashed as we prepared our dark magics. Either I would be a bird, or Astro would be a mammal. And so we played our dire game, summoning avatars, casting spells, gaining support and influence. I played conservatively, saving all my power in vast pools to keep my options open and overwhelm Astro, while he played hard and fast, allowing himself to lose ground in order to strike when I was weak. But eventually, Astro left himself wide open with his maneuvers! I could see him tiring, and took the opportunity to cast my strongest spell...and succeeded.
Seventeen electoral votes suddenly turned blue. Michigan was MINE.
The duck's reply was low and terrible. “Quack! Good job, Tai!”
But his honeyed words played across deaf ears. I had a duel to win.
The technicalities of our epic fight would be lost upon most ears. But it would be safe to say that the tide was firmly in my favor for awhile, before Astro pulled ahead. I managed to eke out a small lead - but in the end, it came down to the state of Florida. It was like Gore Vs. Bush all over again, but with me heralding the Essence of Obama, and Astro being the Avatar of McCain. However, I would change history here, and make Florida a swimmingly otter-lake blue.
Astro was down, and I had every possible scenario covered to win next turn. Astro was silent as he took his final turn. I looked down and decided to use a simple method of execution - in the rare event he had a counter, I would be ready. I summoned the spirit of Oprah to aid me -
- and realized my spell fizzled. What was going on?
“Game is over”
Astro gave up! Though I had been incredibly lucky, landing a series of events that had a barely 10% chance of happening, a victory's a victory. Now, all I had to do was decide exactly how to polymorph Astro...
I looked at the boards...
wait...
Florida was red...
I lost??
Astro had quit because his victory was cemented. I had miscalculated the strength of McCain's smear campaign - which cost me the victory at the last possible second.
How...how could I lose to such an innocent looking DUCK?
“Mwack! You are BIRD!”
My head shot around - already, I could feel my fur itching, shedding, being replaced by scales and feathers. My knees suddenly shifted upward into more bird-like configurations, causing me to lose my balance and hit the ground face-first.
Astro turned to Matugoose. “Why don't YOU finish the job? You've earned the right,” Astro crooned, putting a wing around his first convert.
Matugoose nodded, honking in delight. As he stood over me, now-glowing wings raised over his head, I forced myself to watch. Even as I lay in defeat, I wouldn't look away, not as my rudder tail turned into a featherbutt, not as my cheep to bash things against my chest faded, not as I hoo ooo ooot...
Hi guys! I'm fairly new to this place. My name's Tai, and I'm a Common Loon because...well, I don't really remember why! Ha ha ha : ) Anyway, I hope to have a great time here, hope to talk to you all soon!
“Peep peep,” Science_Sandpiper cried out. Matugoose was nearby, guiding his now fellow feathery into the dark duck ranks. In time, they would grow to enjoy their new forms, but only due to the influence of Astro Q. Duck...
That is, until Tai came along.
Tai, an ottery holdout of the Feathery Foray, decided to do something about the Duck's conversion. He was mad as hell, and wasn't going to take it anymore.
“I'm not going to take it anymore!” I said, boldly standing against the Tyranny of the Duck.
Astro chirped up with his evil evil voice. “Let's play a game, Tai!”
“YES. Let us duel under the rules of CM2008.”
“But you've only played that twice, quack!”
Silently I admitted my inexperience to myself. Before Astro had turned his mind to ducky domination, we had two friendly spars under the rules of CM2008 - both of which I had lost. The last duel was extraordinarily close - I had come within one maneuver of stalemating, but in the end, defeat was my fate. I ignored these facts and shouted at the top of my otterlungs - “ASTRO! IT'S TIME TO DUEL! LOSER CHANGES SPECIES!”
Venom dripped as the avian lashed his evil tongue in reply: “Oh, ok!”
Lightning flashed as we prepared our dark magics. Either I would be a bird, or Astro would be a mammal. And so we played our dire game, summoning avatars, casting spells, gaining support and influence. I played conservatively, saving all my power in vast pools to keep my options open and overwhelm Astro, while he played hard and fast, allowing himself to lose ground in order to strike when I was weak. But eventually, Astro left himself wide open with his maneuvers! I could see him tiring, and took the opportunity to cast my strongest spell...and succeeded.
Seventeen electoral votes suddenly turned blue. Michigan was MINE.
The duck's reply was low and terrible. “Quack! Good job, Tai!”
But his honeyed words played across deaf ears. I had a duel to win.
The technicalities of our epic fight would be lost upon most ears. But it would be safe to say that the tide was firmly in my favor for awhile, before Astro pulled ahead. I managed to eke out a small lead - but in the end, it came down to the state of Florida. It was like Gore Vs. Bush all over again, but with me heralding the Essence of Obama, and Astro being the Avatar of McCain. However, I would change history here, and make Florida a swimmingly otter-lake blue.
Astro was down, and I had every possible scenario covered to win next turn. Astro was silent as he took his final turn. I looked down and decided to use a simple method of execution - in the rare event he had a counter, I would be ready. I summoned the spirit of Oprah to aid me -
- and realized my spell fizzled. What was going on?
“Game is over”
Astro gave up! Though I had been incredibly lucky, landing a series of events that had a barely 10% chance of happening, a victory's a victory. Now, all I had to do was decide exactly how to polymorph Astro...
I looked at the boards...
wait...
Florida was red...
I lost??
Astro had quit because his victory was cemented. I had miscalculated the strength of McCain's smear campaign - which cost me the victory at the last possible second.
How...how could I lose to such an innocent looking DUCK?
“Mwack! You are BIRD!”
My head shot around - already, I could feel my fur itching, shedding, being replaced by scales and feathers. My knees suddenly shifted upward into more bird-like configurations, causing me to lose my balance and hit the ground face-first.
Astro turned to Matugoose. “Why don't YOU finish the job? You've earned the right,” Astro crooned, putting a wing around his first convert.
Matugoose nodded, honking in delight. As he stood over me, now-glowing wings raised over his head, I forced myself to watch. Even as I lay in defeat, I wouldn't look away, not as my rudder tail turned into a featherbutt, not as my cheep to bash things against my chest faded, not as I hoo ooo ooot...
Hi guys! I'm fairly new to this place. My name's Tai, and I'm a Common Loon because...well, I don't really remember why! Ha ha ha : ) Anyway, I hope to have a great time here, hope to talk to you all soon!
*begins mixing re-otter potion*