Well screw that...I wish things all the time. Quietly...at the back of my mind. Sometimes I just sit here and wonder what the hell it was that began my life spinning out of control. I know my biggest downfall was when Donnie died...lol hell maybe it was when I married him. I had no identity of my own if that makes any sense. While married to him I sort of assumed the role of wife not even knowing I had existed before. Then suddenly he was gone. No way of ever getting him back. Death is so amazingly final, When he was gone I lost that identity. I was suddenly his widow. I hate that word. No one below 50 should ever have to refer to themselves as one. The word just feels lonely. It fit me well because I was. That is kinda how Mike came into my life. I was lonely. I now wish that I had never married him. I had that sick feeling when I got married to him just wanting to run and get as far away as possible. I felt so trapped. A few yrs later it became really obvious that I might be as the situation worsened. In the past year I have began to discover a sense of who I am. Wild colored hair and all...maybe I do act a lot like a teenager. I do take responsibility for my own actions though. When I got sick several months back for awhile I fully lost my will to live. That will has been teetering on edge a lot lately. I don't think I have much cared to live since April when all hell broke loose with my health. Until recently...

I am still not convinced that I am going to make it. Sometimes Donnie is still to fresh on my mind. Losing Evan was like a swift kick in the teeth while I was still on the ground. Not like I wasn't punished enough...take my baby away too...that finalness. Everyone seems to leave me forever. Ahhh depressed injured rant over.