I've been excessively slow about things lately, and I still can't seem to regain the desire to get to writing again. I'm not going to be a bearer of bad news, there's certainly some good to speak of.

For one, Cymbalta seems to have a rather profound effect on the dread and depression I usually face. It's the first antidepressant that I've ever felt actually worked, and it's lightend my mental load to some degree.

I've also started to become a bit more social, albeit in my own way. I finally found and joined a casual guild on World of Warcraft, and have been doing 10-man raiding content with them for the past month or so. My shyness about my voice sorta just went out the window after being forced to talk on vent (raiding kinda requires it).

I've found myself getting into conversation, speaking openly without shyness, and starting to form some friendships with the members of the guild. It's a very pleasant thing.

And yet still, I'm recovering from my loss in a big way. I once had someone who I saw as my one true guardian, a big brother I'd never had before. He was someone I confided my deepest, darkest secrets in, and someone who'd helped lift me through so many tears.

But he is also someone who changed, who pulled away from me, who told me things that werent entirely true, and who seemed to have forgotten the meaning of the words he'd once said to me. I felt so hurt and forgotten. I couldn't approach my best friend in the same way anymore. And it seemed like all he wanted to do was just go away from me.

I can understand that certain things had to change, and I was okay with that. But his attitude and the way he interacted with me also changed, from warmth to cool indifference. I was no longer a treasure to him. I was no longer something that could bring him joy. As much as I get that life sometimes gets really busy and people dont have time...that didn't excuse the death of his warmth towards me.

Maybe my expectations were higher because of just how much he meant to me. And as much as I'm getting better, mourning it less, I still miss him, I still miss that friendship.

You wont ever read this, but you really hurt me, you know. You hurt me so bad inside. I dont hate you for it, nor do I want revenge. All I feel is sorrow and loss. You really did have a beautiful warmth. But for some reaosn you just slowly took it away.

I lost my big brother. I lost my guardian. I lost someone was very much a mentor. I lost my best friend.

And it hurts. It hurts more than anything I've ever felt before.

I wish I could still be in your presence. I wish I could still do the things that made you smile.

I wish you were still here.