This is probably the dark weather im getting so most of this i mostly will forget tomorrow so then why type anything? well...erm...i haven't written a journal in a while?

Anyway its mostly my overall feelings, its really nothing to do with this site nor my drawings...well a little, before you wonder, no, im not gonna say all this and expect loads of people to console me or pity me, im just saying what's on my mind right now, think of yourselves as quiet psychologists, tho comment if you really want to.

For months now, probably longer i've been feeling tired, im not really sleepy tired but more of a constant fatigue which is probably why i can't go to college or get a job even if i wanted to, its a fear of collapsing suddenly without knowing, i think i did a few years ago without knowing, i closed my eyes when walking down my main street and opened them and i was in bed, probably a dream but still this lack of energy is probably my lack of vitamins, im not exactly a healthy eater but i do eat the occasional vegetable.

i not only draw but write fics from time to time, mostly lemons, but after a harsh review on a site i posted it on it did a major blow to my self-confidence as a writer and as a person, see i think Britain has a little less education than america, we don't even have algebra, tho some say its just something you learn like french and would rarely use it, it still tells me that most of my skype friends are higher educated which is most likely the reason i don't talk much on it anymore, just talking to them makes me feel stupid, not cuz they are but i feel slow compared to them. i also had to deal with the fact that im autistic, just the term "special needs" pisses me off cuz of one word "special", i hate being treated differently cuz im a freakin' idiot, i know i have to accept the fact i learn slower than others but i only accepted it before cuz i never needed to talk to the rest of the class, as in an actual intelligent conversation, i now have had quite a few on skype and i realize how below i am when it comes to intelligence as well as maturity.

The world feels so far without me and it feels impossible to catch up, everyone else seems to have finished and gone home while i can't even finish in last because the finish line no longer exists, back to the fics, i've had several reviews, they got better as i did but its just...i forgot the reason why i wrote them in the first place, i draw cuz i enjoy it and it shows since i draw more than write but even drawing is lacking, i feel brainless everytime i open up sai, same with writing but that's worse cuz the problem is thinking too hard, "what if they think the wording is terrible? capslock at the start of every conversion, the best grammar i can do, lengthy plot" in the end i don't enjoy it and feel empty inside the second i post it because i stress over something that needed none.

i shared ideas on plots to a friend and his overall reactions were "i think you're adding too much, i don't understand the other one" etc etc so its obvious im getting worse not better and i don't know to GET better, energy drinks? yeah it'll last 5 minutes before my fatigue kicks in U.U jerking off to porn 3 times a day also doesn't help my hormones since it never has enough time to recover, also this friend is a hell of a lot better than me and im starting to think i have a bit of hidden hate because of this, not really towards him but the fact he is more taught than me, i even tried persuading my maths teacher to teach me prime or perfect numbers just so my intellect grows but in the end never happened, i wish i did an english major but i doubt i would be awake/energized enough to stay awake in the first class.

The rant is now...over.

You get a cookie if you read all of it, tho i won't believe your words, that's why i installed a auto-cookie machine, even i don't know how it works :/