Sorry for the flood of journal posts, but today was a big day.

7 years ago Monday, I left a pot of oil on my stove and went to my basement bedroom to check email. I got distracted, and later thought I heard an intruder upstairs. I'll skip all the description of what happened because I still have trouble dealing with it, but long story short - house had no smoke detectors or ventilation in the kitchen, and lead paint, and I got the shitty end of a very short stick.

From my research, if I'd have been five minutes longer putting out the fire, I'd have died from exposure to lead compounds. If I'd have waited 2 more minutes, I wouldn't have been able to put out the fire and might have lost my dogs. If I'd have waited 3 more minutes, I'd have never made it out of the basement.

I had just finished changing my name. I try not to think about the coincidence of starting my new life in such a bad way. But I am a different person in many ways.

Were I presented with the opportunity to change the past, I would in a heartbeat because I liked who I am. But I would regret all that I have learned and what I have become since, and largely because of the fire. While I am far, far less capable than I was, I am far more humble, and far more open minded. I am more aware of my place in society, and society's place in the universe. I am far more of an altruist now, and have become a strong advocate for civil rights, disability rights, gay rights, etc. Would I have tried to organize a rally in Washington DC? Not a chance in hell. I had decided to concentrate on helping wolves because I knew I couldn't change society. But now, I feel I can do something, and am trying.

Today, I received in the mail the final chapter in an 8 year saga. I have been officially declared disabled from a period starting the day of the fire, 7 years ago this week. Yes, I started applying for disability before the fire, thus the 8 years of that and 7 years of brain damage. My back has been screwed up since 1987, two months after I graduated high school.


It's hard to say 8 years of my life went to waste. Actually, I lost more like 30. 20 years off the end, plus the 8 applying for disability. All because of "conservative" bullshit about people gaming the system. Nope, don't wonder why I'm so damn pissed off at Republicans and what they've done to this country. They took fully one third of my life away from me.

Anyway...

I feel odd. Despite my landlord posting another eviction notice on my home, and his stupid 5mph signs in my response to his telling me I was speeding and my pointing out no speed limit signs (can you believe it...I mean, how fucking immature can a 74 year old man get?), I still feel quite good today. No, it isn't because I know I'll be getting more money (lots more in fact). Nor is it because I started surfing. No, I actually feel good because I now have a chance to do things for others that I've not been able to do for a long, long time.


Anyway, enough for now.