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Fuuuuuuuuuuu
14 years ago
Tomorrow I have to do more stuff, more paper work and then more waiting.
I hate it that I only feel normal online. Or somewhat normal when i can keep myself from rambling to other people.
I still fucked up everything pretty badly and I'm still trying to fix everything.
My ex is graduating soon. I'm worried that we will lose touch.
We still love each other very very much but its scary.
I have really bad abandonment issues and such...horrid past that i keep running into. Keeps getting in the way of my thinking.
I finally remembered things that my second personality finally gave me, I was a dick fuck face.
I've been going to therapy and doing mental separations/merging to get rid of this damn evil mean sona of mine that i had to have to survive growing up. What saved me growing up ruined everything later on.
I'm hoping i still can get a second chance...no...a second wind, things dont look to bright. being friendzoned sucks ass face moneky balls. but i learned from it. I just hope i can remember and keep from doing it again. I've been working with clay when im away from the computer. cause i constantly have to do something, if i dont then i flap my hands and tend to rock. I am rocking right now to be honest.
I already tried not being me. Daemon- My second personality that i used to live in harsh conditions, Ruined it for me.
This isn't a Boo hoo poor me ass pat me post.
This is a I must talk or type it out or i cant sleep post. I cant remember post.
I have horrible memory and only can remember if it is traumatizing or data issued, like things i need to get other people or continue working on if the person connects to me right.
Honestly, and I honestly mean Honestly when I say honestly cause of I don't like freaking lying honestly.
I cant remember good in life unless its repeated to me. I cant remember any vacations or anything unless something bad happened when I was having them. I cant remember happiness from them.
I finally got a photo album so i can take pictures of upcoming events. I'm starting to write things out more and repeat more and more so I can remember. I seem to have more effect on remembering if i make something roleplay related to real life so i think of 'happy stories' then memories. I'm just locked out of memories unless reminded. it sucks.
Honestly i dont remember anything last week. or the month before. Just the bad that i repeated to myself so I would get over it and try to find away to get a new start from the bad.
Flower grows out of shit saying.
I dont remember passwords. christmas most of the time, holloween most of the time, not even birthdays or other happy moment times. I can hardly remember how me and
met. I normally ask him about it when i do want to know again.
-sigh-
Anywho on things.
No pure feelings=no art= no updates.
I draw my moods. I draw my feelings so I can get head on, on my art work.
meaning. If the sexual drawing looks good, its because i was aroused and looking at porn while drawing it. Even if I'm not aroused or pleased by what i was drawing.
Same with vore gift art and other drawings like cute and romantic drawings and such.
My brain is blank and its almost one.
IV out.
Free Commissions
1.
- 40% finished (Sooobbb i messed up)
2.
-sketching- (Fuuuuu)
3.
4.
5.
Thank you for your time and support. Your art will be made. I promise.
I hate it that I only feel normal online. Or somewhat normal when i can keep myself from rambling to other people.
I still fucked up everything pretty badly and I'm still trying to fix everything.
My ex is graduating soon. I'm worried that we will lose touch.
We still love each other very very much but its scary.
I have really bad abandonment issues and such...horrid past that i keep running into. Keeps getting in the way of my thinking.
I finally remembered things that my second personality finally gave me, I was a dick fuck face.
I've been going to therapy and doing mental separations/merging to get rid of this damn evil mean sona of mine that i had to have to survive growing up. What saved me growing up ruined everything later on.
I'm hoping i still can get a second chance...no...a second wind, things dont look to bright. being friendzoned sucks ass face moneky balls. but i learned from it. I just hope i can remember and keep from doing it again. I've been working with clay when im away from the computer. cause i constantly have to do something, if i dont then i flap my hands and tend to rock. I am rocking right now to be honest.
I already tried not being me. Daemon- My second personality that i used to live in harsh conditions, Ruined it for me.
This isn't a Boo hoo poor me ass pat me post.
This is a I must talk or type it out or i cant sleep post. I cant remember post.
I have horrible memory and only can remember if it is traumatizing or data issued, like things i need to get other people or continue working on if the person connects to me right.
Honestly, and I honestly mean Honestly when I say honestly cause of I don't like freaking lying honestly.
I cant remember good in life unless its repeated to me. I cant remember any vacations or anything unless something bad happened when I was having them. I cant remember happiness from them.
I finally got a photo album so i can take pictures of upcoming events. I'm starting to write things out more and repeat more and more so I can remember. I seem to have more effect on remembering if i make something roleplay related to real life so i think of 'happy stories' then memories. I'm just locked out of memories unless reminded. it sucks.
Honestly i dont remember anything last week. or the month before. Just the bad that i repeated to myself so I would get over it and try to find away to get a new start from the bad.
Flower grows out of shit saying.
I dont remember passwords. christmas most of the time, holloween most of the time, not even birthdays or other happy moment times. I can hardly remember how me and
met. I normally ask him about it when i do want to know again.-sigh-
Anywho on things.
No pure feelings=no art= no updates.
I draw my moods. I draw my feelings so I can get head on, on my art work.
meaning. If the sexual drawing looks good, its because i was aroused and looking at porn while drawing it. Even if I'm not aroused or pleased by what i was drawing.
Same with vore gift art and other drawings like cute and romantic drawings and such.
My brain is blank and its almost one.
IV out.
Free Commissions
1.
- 40% finished (Sooobbb i messed up)2.
-sketching- (Fuuuuu)3.
4.
5.
Thank you for your time and support. Your art will be made. I promise.
-sits next to- people are mean.
Hey Jilli, I got a little further, but im going to have to break from yours so i can start working on others. I shall get it done before or by halloween <3
I dont want him to grow up to fast.
I believe in you, but you have to remember to be you too, not better than the thing you hate, cause you may turn into what you hated. ...I did that... it was painful. Dont worry about what people look at you for.
Also, When you have kids, Try not to push them to have a better life than yours. It may backfire in your face. You may want to be friends with your child. But you need to be a parent too. Strict, but not so strict. -what i think-
What i normally do and try to do is watch movies with my brother that are like kungfu panda. find the hidden elements in them. You're a hero in someones eyes. -huggles-
We share the pain, Different pain, but a same pain. Yours maybe worse than mine too.
I love Kung Fu Panda, especially what the tortoise says about the past, present, and future. Even though it's a child's movie if I think of that quote I don't feel as bad about what's happened to me.
We may share a pain, but no pain can be greater or lesser than another. It is still pain and shouldn't happen, but does. I'm sorry that we both have a somewhat similar situation however, and I truly hope that things get better for you and your little brother. *hugs tightly*