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A thought (update)
14 years ago
Just randomly occurred to me while I was doing some coursework.
I wish to go back in time and elaborate a bit. I do not want any pity. I just wish to get this off my chest.
I met a girl way back when, I think it was in December of 2009. This was before I came out as a furry. I had kept it hidden for quite some time and Lapris broke me out of my shell. The first day I met her, I asked her if she wanted me to try and crack her PSP. We got to talking and later on, we were watching youtube videos on my laptop. I was standing next to her and she reached over, grabbed onto my leg and said. "You're my new boytoy." I never heard anyone say that to me before so I was confused and nervous. But 2 days later, on December 10th 2009, she comes in with cat ears, a tail and a collar. I was in shock and immediately fell in love. It turned out that we lived in the same town and she offered to help me get home one night. I said that I think I fell in love with her. She smiled and gave me a kiss. She pulled over, we talked and I fell even more in love with her.
Everything was going great. I was in love. I finally felt like I wasn't going to die alone. Then, 9 months later, my cousin passed away. I was devastated. I was in the car, with my mother headed to petsmart to get some dog food or something. Her phone rings and I hear a scream from my aunt, saying her son had died. I was... shocked. I will never forget how well my mother handled the situation, completely calm, making all the calls and setting everything up. I will also never forget the sound of my grandmother when she heard the news. 2 days later, it hits me that he is gone. We were headed home from the grocery store and I began to cry. My mother had to run my older brother to the airport to help get my grandfather up to NY. So I dashed upstairs and called Lapris, needing someone to give me a hug. I have no idea what she was doing, but she would not come to comfort me. I begged, I pleaded, but she simply said, "Go to your mom". I got over her actions form that day.
So the wake comes a few days later on the following Sunday, I was at work for the first one so I had to go to the one at around 8. I was messaging Lapris and she breaks up with me. I had to grit my teeth so I could get somewhere and cry. I held it in as long as I could and dashed to the bathroom. I began to cry, called my mom, and just kept crying. The girl I thought I was going to marry, the girl who I loved more than anything in the world left me. Her reason was because I was putting too much emotional stress on her. Well great timing bitch. Anyway, after a few minutes I compose myself, go out of the bathroom and explain the situation to my manager, still trying my hardest to hold back more tears. I had to go inform the floor leader and every time I tried to talk to him, he gave me a customer to deal with. My brother came by and picked me up, I told the manager that I was leaving, she said it was okay.
I was numb, completely numb. I was broken and back to where I was before, the dark and empty pit where I knew the future, I was going to die alone. So, I cried for the rest of the night, my heart completely fractured, praying just to die, just for a bit of relief from all this shit. I eventually got up the courage to call her again. I told her straight out, that I will NEVER forgive her for what she did to me and I asked her to come over. I know what you are all saying, "Why are you even talking to her?". I don't think I will ever know the reason. All I know is that she was important to me and I needed someone. I suppose that I am holding out hope. I trick myself by saying that the bible says to forgive others, by saying that she deserves a second chance. But to this day, I still consider her my closest friend. It was just rushed, we dived into a relationship and that was a bad idea.
Anyway, things continue. We go to FAU4, and of course, I still had it in my mind that she was the one, that I was going to have kids with her and grow old with her. She drinks some and has a one night stand. Of course I hear this through one of my closest friends. And I am furious. I know we weren't dating, but I had high hopes for her and she just dashed them to the ground. So I have a complete breakdown, she destroyed me again.
Before the summer began, I got back into SL. I met a sweet little Fennec fox, we became fast friends and were mated. I portray myself as a gentleman and for some reason, everyone wanted me. I was torn on what to do, if I stay with the fennec, I make others upset, if I leave the fennec, I make her and others upset but someone happy. Suffice it to say, after a bit of my own stupidity, I am still with my sweet little fox.
Well, now to today. I am still single. Every day, I destroy my walls and rebuild, numbing my heart more and more, until I can feel nothing and truly be invincible. So I can deal with her, so I can deal with the eventual death of my father from 16 years of Multiple Sclerosis, and other hardships. I share my emotions with only a select few, (Heh, End of May just started... Such a nice song) for fear that I may push them away and lose them like I did with Lapris. I lost another relative a few months ago, and I felt nothing, which means I am on the right track.
I have no idea why I made this journal allowing for this catharsis. I only pray that someone will learn form my mistakes. I am chugging along in life. I only offer a few statements that kept me going somehow.
Dissidia Duodecim
Emperor Mateus - What will an insect like you do?
Firion - Believe in the future and persist in the present, that's what I'll do.
Medal of Honor flavor text - Unrefined love can cause misunderstandings. It's okay... You're love will shine through.
Theater ticket flavor text - The ability to accept fate and shoulder that burden alone attracts others.
Fanatic's Leer flavor text - The past is filled with pain and suffering, but all is well if you have fun living
Lone Heart flavor text - Accept hatred and regret as you proceed forth. All paths lead to the future.
Despite all the shit she has put me through, I still care deeply about her. I could not imagine my life without her.
I wish to go back in time and elaborate a bit. I do not want any pity. I just wish to get this off my chest.
I met a girl way back when, I think it was in December of 2009. This was before I came out as a furry. I had kept it hidden for quite some time and Lapris broke me out of my shell. The first day I met her, I asked her if she wanted me to try and crack her PSP. We got to talking and later on, we were watching youtube videos on my laptop. I was standing next to her and she reached over, grabbed onto my leg and said. "You're my new boytoy." I never heard anyone say that to me before so I was confused and nervous. But 2 days later, on December 10th 2009, she comes in with cat ears, a tail and a collar. I was in shock and immediately fell in love. It turned out that we lived in the same town and she offered to help me get home one night. I said that I think I fell in love with her. She smiled and gave me a kiss. She pulled over, we talked and I fell even more in love with her.
Everything was going great. I was in love. I finally felt like I wasn't going to die alone. Then, 9 months later, my cousin passed away. I was devastated. I was in the car, with my mother headed to petsmart to get some dog food or something. Her phone rings and I hear a scream from my aunt, saying her son had died. I was... shocked. I will never forget how well my mother handled the situation, completely calm, making all the calls and setting everything up. I will also never forget the sound of my grandmother when she heard the news. 2 days later, it hits me that he is gone. We were headed home from the grocery store and I began to cry. My mother had to run my older brother to the airport to help get my grandfather up to NY. So I dashed upstairs and called Lapris, needing someone to give me a hug. I have no idea what she was doing, but she would not come to comfort me. I begged, I pleaded, but she simply said, "Go to your mom". I got over her actions form that day.
So the wake comes a few days later on the following Sunday, I was at work for the first one so I had to go to the one at around 8. I was messaging Lapris and she breaks up with me. I had to grit my teeth so I could get somewhere and cry. I held it in as long as I could and dashed to the bathroom. I began to cry, called my mom, and just kept crying. The girl I thought I was going to marry, the girl who I loved more than anything in the world left me. Her reason was because I was putting too much emotional stress on her. Well great timing bitch. Anyway, after a few minutes I compose myself, go out of the bathroom and explain the situation to my manager, still trying my hardest to hold back more tears. I had to go inform the floor leader and every time I tried to talk to him, he gave me a customer to deal with. My brother came by and picked me up, I told the manager that I was leaving, she said it was okay.
I was numb, completely numb. I was broken and back to where I was before, the dark and empty pit where I knew the future, I was going to die alone. So, I cried for the rest of the night, my heart completely fractured, praying just to die, just for a bit of relief from all this shit. I eventually got up the courage to call her again. I told her straight out, that I will NEVER forgive her for what she did to me and I asked her to come over. I know what you are all saying, "Why are you even talking to her?". I don't think I will ever know the reason. All I know is that she was important to me and I needed someone. I suppose that I am holding out hope. I trick myself by saying that the bible says to forgive others, by saying that she deserves a second chance. But to this day, I still consider her my closest friend. It was just rushed, we dived into a relationship and that was a bad idea.
Anyway, things continue. We go to FAU4, and of course, I still had it in my mind that she was the one, that I was going to have kids with her and grow old with her. She drinks some and has a one night stand. Of course I hear this through one of my closest friends. And I am furious. I know we weren't dating, but I had high hopes for her and she just dashed them to the ground. So I have a complete breakdown, she destroyed me again.
Before the summer began, I got back into SL. I met a sweet little Fennec fox, we became fast friends and were mated. I portray myself as a gentleman and for some reason, everyone wanted me. I was torn on what to do, if I stay with the fennec, I make others upset, if I leave the fennec, I make her and others upset but someone happy. Suffice it to say, after a bit of my own stupidity, I am still with my sweet little fox.
Well, now to today. I am still single. Every day, I destroy my walls and rebuild, numbing my heart more and more, until I can feel nothing and truly be invincible. So I can deal with her, so I can deal with the eventual death of my father from 16 years of Multiple Sclerosis, and other hardships. I share my emotions with only a select few, (Heh, End of May just started... Such a nice song) for fear that I may push them away and lose them like I did with Lapris. I lost another relative a few months ago, and I felt nothing, which means I am on the right track.
I have no idea why I made this journal allowing for this catharsis. I only pray that someone will learn form my mistakes. I am chugging along in life. I only offer a few statements that kept me going somehow.
Dissidia Duodecim
Emperor Mateus - What will an insect like you do?
Firion - Believe in the future and persist in the present, that's what I'll do.
Medal of Honor flavor text - Unrefined love can cause misunderstandings. It's okay... You're love will shine through.
Theater ticket flavor text - The ability to accept fate and shoulder that burden alone attracts others.
Fanatic's Leer flavor text - The past is filled with pain and suffering, but all is well if you have fun living
Lone Heart flavor text - Accept hatred and regret as you proceed forth. All paths lead to the future.
Despite all the shit she has put me through, I still care deeply about her. I could not imagine my life without her.
One thing tho - you might wanna edit out her name, or else the mods can delete this journal and mark it up as harassment, even though it isn't