FA+
Shop
Where did I do wrong...
14 years ago
General
So this journal is about my life's decisions and all that I've done to become who I am and where I am today.
My life started out simple with an older brother to look up to and a mother and father who loved me. As I started school it seemed fun with friends and work to make the time go by. After the third grade my grades slipped a bit and I started feeling pressured to do better. When I turned 8 my young mind was brought into the realization of alcoholism and drunken conduct as I saw my father, who I respect most of my life, beating my mother on the couch. I cried out and begged him to stop but it continued. Later that night the police would be in my house and taking statements only to realize that my mother signed for divorce. This break up affected me more towards my schooling and emotions making me violent and angry up to 5th Grade when I became a social outcast. The love I had for my father was still there for the hope that he would change and every now and then I would get to see him. A few of the visits were normal and we often had fun. There was a time that I thought everything would be right again. Sadly the world doesn't work that way. My mother showed up to get us from my dad's apartment and my father and I were in the middle of printing out my school project. When she wanted to leave for fear of anymore violence she stormed out with clenched fist leaving the door wide open. My dad saw this thinking that she had taken something and tried to get whatever it was back. When she resisted more fighting broke out and we left to the nearest police station again to take more statements. My school life went more down-hill as my emotions plummeted further in depression with my anger growing and becoming much more violent. During the next 2 years in middle school I was told not to use the divorce as an 'excuse' for bad grades and behavior, but the damage was already done. I could barely focus on my classes and just needed something to relieve all the stress that I had even if the consequences weren't so fortunate. I found a game that would continue to be a part of me for the next 10 years that made me happy and that gave me back the social connection I needed to make friends again. This led up to more friendly conversations and less confrontation than usual and being in the school band gave me access to all sorts of people with interests in many different things. I can say that this did relieve my stress but then fate always has a way of bringing it back. My grades weren't any better and when it came down to it my mom, now hardened with mistrust, would pressure me more into throwing away everything else as long as my grades were high and I was passing even at the cost of my happiness. I couldn't respect someone who thinks that happiness is a second to success. I know successful people and happiness isn't always obtained through it. Throughout my 7th Grade year I joined the athletics team and started to play football just as my brother did. I found that during the entire time I spent with the team it was fun. But I also had a revelation about myself. Sometimes I would peek at other guys changing and find them attractive. Being Catholic, I was taught that this was a sin so I never tried to do anything like that again. With these mixed feelings and that added confusion I held in my heart I couldn't bear to keep going to school. I started to skip and stay home passing the time trying to ask myself the questions I needed answers to. After skipping 9 days at the end of the year my mother was called and the principal asked for a conference. As I arrived at school, I was seated in the principals office next to my mom with principal and a campus officer looking at me. I felt trapped in there and no way to escape. They talked and talked about inappropriate behavior and life lessons and at the end of the hour long discussion between them I was sent for 3 days to a Junior Correctional Facility. We had a small talk session and I was too scared to talk about my problems and feelings. So I made up some story. After that I saw my brother in High School taking these advanced classes and making friends. I was a bit jealous and felt like I was being forced to achieve his same status. But I can't compare to him. He has more success and never had the same emotional problems I had. I guess deep down I knew he was better than me. I went into the 8th grade trying to focus on school and everything else evenly and it shut me down emotionally throughout the year. I had up and downs and my lowest point was when I was thinking of committing suicide. Thoughts of relief and happiness for the rest of my family blew through my mind. But an english paper that I wrote made the teacher worry and I was sent to the counselor to write an Anti suicide note. When I returned home my aunt greeted me and showed me the paper that I wrote. My aunt always had the better way of explaining and communicating with me but I had fear of what she would think if I told here about who I was. The stress of home life was still there but now school wouldn't have to be an issue. One day during my freshman year of high school my mom said that she was going to be laid off from here job. I finished the year with a credit less necessary to become a sophomore. This set my mom into another lecture and punishment routine. This shut me down and I did worse in school trying to continue playing my games and play in the band. Whenever I'm doing the things I love the world seems more of a beautiful place. At the end of the marching band season, I had broken up with the girlfriend I was currently dating. I couldn't keeping lying to myself about who I was. I had also been told my father who I hadn't seen in 2 years was in the hospital from liver and lung diseases. Knowing that my dad was probably going to die was something hard for me to handle. He pulled through but I was told he kept drinking to the point where he was in this shape. My focus on life was completely shattered as school and life seemed much more hopeless now. I tried to focus on having fun more now so I won't get depressed anymore than I was. Of course I knew that the grades would make things worse and they did. In my 'junior' year still considered a sophomore I was removed from the band and had lost my ability to rejoin not because of my skill but because of the grades. Outside of band I joined the Anime club and met more people gaining more friends. I met 2 individuals that are my best friends and probably as close as family to me as my brother. They inspired me and I inspired them. We helped each other and we tried to talk about the serious stuff when we could. They were the first people I told along with 1 other that I was gay. Life handed me 2 great people and I knew from that point we would always be friends. I hung out with them all the time and spent as much time with them as I could all the way up to my senior year in high school. When I graduated it was a great achievement for me with all my friends there to support me. My mom however saw it as "finally after me dragging your ass through it" putting me down on my graduation. Finding a job was hard at the time due to the economy dropping so low in profit and grew in unemployment rates. I felt a bit prideful and decided not to apply at the same store my brother worked at and tried to find something else. I started college and found myself loving the community that they had. I bit of my didn't take this first semester seriously and the other part was having a hard time adjusting to the work load. I failed my classes and tried to start back up again in the next semester. Only this time my mother decided to continue to rant and badger at me to find a job and to stop wasting all her money. This didn't inspire me at all to help finish those classes as I started to look online for jobs taking time out of my schedule making me fail once again at my classes. Afterwards my mom yells again at how lazy I am and at how I'm not trying hard enough. When the next semester started I had more confidence now that money trouble was no issue. Earlier I had been told my father now 6 years since I have seen has been given full disability and I would receive benefits for it. I had 13000 dollars in my account and spent roughly 2000 on school. I was passing and happy now still hanging out with friends and working with a schedule that I made life seemed to be better than ever. I was a bit selfish and spent money hastily in 3 months spending 3000 dollars on my friends and myself taking trips and having fun when I could. With now 8000 dollars in the bank I was set until I could find a job. One day I heard that one of my favorite teachers had died and I went to his funeral. After a day of mourning for him I come home to see my mother angry that my room wasn't cleaned. She said that the maid she had hired was going to be here and that it needed to be cleaned up. I said okay and started to clean up but she continues asking why I wasn't home and why wasn't it done earlier and why she has to tell me this stuff and going on and on and on. I raise my hand and say that I was out with my friends at my old teacher's funeral mourning his death. She saw me raise my hand and said she didn't care and I'm not going to take that attitude. She grabbed my house keys and told me to get the fuck out. I tried to reason with her telling her that this won't solve anything and she wouldn't listen. She watched me pack my things at 2 in the morning as I finished gathering them up in trash bags and laid them out in the yard. I walked over to a nearby Walmart and grabbed a shopping cart filling my stuff into it and laying in the yard to sleep the rest of the night. When I woke up at 7 I started to walk to my community college pushing my stuff as I go. I stopped at my church along the way and sat in the mass hall alone asking god what I did wrong? What am I supposed to do? I left hoping the answer would find its way back to me as I walked with my shopping cart. I made it to the college and asked a friend to drop me off at a nearby store so I could post up a message on Facebook. I got a reply from a close friend saying that I could stay with her for the next 2 weeks trying to get back on my feet. I accepted and stayed with her. When I went to my bank to retrieve money for food and clothes I saw 2000 dollars taken out and I started to panic. My mom took money out from my account something she said she would NEVER do. I talked to her later that day and she said I could either come home with new rules or to go. I asked for the money back and chose to go. I didn't know what would happen if I stayed and if I left I knew I would choose what would happen next. I got an apartment and found someone to move in with and got a job with him. After the first few months I had to pay rent all by myself. So I got a third roommate and the second didn't pay anymore causing the third roommate to leave. I got a new third roommate only to find out the second roommate moved out. We started to pay the rent and eventually came short a month and then the new roommate decided to leave as well. I was left to pay everything and my aunt took me to lunch telling my to move back in with my mom. I had no money and nothing to go back to. I guess pride was hitting at me again but I reluctantly moved back. Everyday after has been a constant reminder to me that she has the satisfaction of knowing that I am unable to live on my own and that makes me livid. I know I can survive on my own but the condition I'm given are horrible.
I'm constantly being told that everything I've done in life has been my fault and that my choice were all wrong. I guess my real question is where? Where did I go wrong? Please leave a comment for anyone who feels like they have an answer since I don't and I really need one.
My life started out simple with an older brother to look up to and a mother and father who loved me. As I started school it seemed fun with friends and work to make the time go by. After the third grade my grades slipped a bit and I started feeling pressured to do better. When I turned 8 my young mind was brought into the realization of alcoholism and drunken conduct as I saw my father, who I respect most of my life, beating my mother on the couch. I cried out and begged him to stop but it continued. Later that night the police would be in my house and taking statements only to realize that my mother signed for divorce. This break up affected me more towards my schooling and emotions making me violent and angry up to 5th Grade when I became a social outcast. The love I had for my father was still there for the hope that he would change and every now and then I would get to see him. A few of the visits were normal and we often had fun. There was a time that I thought everything would be right again. Sadly the world doesn't work that way. My mother showed up to get us from my dad's apartment and my father and I were in the middle of printing out my school project. When she wanted to leave for fear of anymore violence she stormed out with clenched fist leaving the door wide open. My dad saw this thinking that she had taken something and tried to get whatever it was back. When she resisted more fighting broke out and we left to the nearest police station again to take more statements. My school life went more down-hill as my emotions plummeted further in depression with my anger growing and becoming much more violent. During the next 2 years in middle school I was told not to use the divorce as an 'excuse' for bad grades and behavior, but the damage was already done. I could barely focus on my classes and just needed something to relieve all the stress that I had even if the consequences weren't so fortunate. I found a game that would continue to be a part of me for the next 10 years that made me happy and that gave me back the social connection I needed to make friends again. This led up to more friendly conversations and less confrontation than usual and being in the school band gave me access to all sorts of people with interests in many different things. I can say that this did relieve my stress but then fate always has a way of bringing it back. My grades weren't any better and when it came down to it my mom, now hardened with mistrust, would pressure me more into throwing away everything else as long as my grades were high and I was passing even at the cost of my happiness. I couldn't respect someone who thinks that happiness is a second to success. I know successful people and happiness isn't always obtained through it. Throughout my 7th Grade year I joined the athletics team and started to play football just as my brother did. I found that during the entire time I spent with the team it was fun. But I also had a revelation about myself. Sometimes I would peek at other guys changing and find them attractive. Being Catholic, I was taught that this was a sin so I never tried to do anything like that again. With these mixed feelings and that added confusion I held in my heart I couldn't bear to keep going to school. I started to skip and stay home passing the time trying to ask myself the questions I needed answers to. After skipping 9 days at the end of the year my mother was called and the principal asked for a conference. As I arrived at school, I was seated in the principals office next to my mom with principal and a campus officer looking at me. I felt trapped in there and no way to escape. They talked and talked about inappropriate behavior and life lessons and at the end of the hour long discussion between them I was sent for 3 days to a Junior Correctional Facility. We had a small talk session and I was too scared to talk about my problems and feelings. So I made up some story. After that I saw my brother in High School taking these advanced classes and making friends. I was a bit jealous and felt like I was being forced to achieve his same status. But I can't compare to him. He has more success and never had the same emotional problems I had. I guess deep down I knew he was better than me. I went into the 8th grade trying to focus on school and everything else evenly and it shut me down emotionally throughout the year. I had up and downs and my lowest point was when I was thinking of committing suicide. Thoughts of relief and happiness for the rest of my family blew through my mind. But an english paper that I wrote made the teacher worry and I was sent to the counselor to write an Anti suicide note. When I returned home my aunt greeted me and showed me the paper that I wrote. My aunt always had the better way of explaining and communicating with me but I had fear of what she would think if I told here about who I was. The stress of home life was still there but now school wouldn't have to be an issue. One day during my freshman year of high school my mom said that she was going to be laid off from here job. I finished the year with a credit less necessary to become a sophomore. This set my mom into another lecture and punishment routine. This shut me down and I did worse in school trying to continue playing my games and play in the band. Whenever I'm doing the things I love the world seems more of a beautiful place. At the end of the marching band season, I had broken up with the girlfriend I was currently dating. I couldn't keeping lying to myself about who I was. I had also been told my father who I hadn't seen in 2 years was in the hospital from liver and lung diseases. Knowing that my dad was probably going to die was something hard for me to handle. He pulled through but I was told he kept drinking to the point where he was in this shape. My focus on life was completely shattered as school and life seemed much more hopeless now. I tried to focus on having fun more now so I won't get depressed anymore than I was. Of course I knew that the grades would make things worse and they did. In my 'junior' year still considered a sophomore I was removed from the band and had lost my ability to rejoin not because of my skill but because of the grades. Outside of band I joined the Anime club and met more people gaining more friends. I met 2 individuals that are my best friends and probably as close as family to me as my brother. They inspired me and I inspired them. We helped each other and we tried to talk about the serious stuff when we could. They were the first people I told along with 1 other that I was gay. Life handed me 2 great people and I knew from that point we would always be friends. I hung out with them all the time and spent as much time with them as I could all the way up to my senior year in high school. When I graduated it was a great achievement for me with all my friends there to support me. My mom however saw it as "finally after me dragging your ass through it" putting me down on my graduation. Finding a job was hard at the time due to the economy dropping so low in profit and grew in unemployment rates. I felt a bit prideful and decided not to apply at the same store my brother worked at and tried to find something else. I started college and found myself loving the community that they had. I bit of my didn't take this first semester seriously and the other part was having a hard time adjusting to the work load. I failed my classes and tried to start back up again in the next semester. Only this time my mother decided to continue to rant and badger at me to find a job and to stop wasting all her money. This didn't inspire me at all to help finish those classes as I started to look online for jobs taking time out of my schedule making me fail once again at my classes. Afterwards my mom yells again at how lazy I am and at how I'm not trying hard enough. When the next semester started I had more confidence now that money trouble was no issue. Earlier I had been told my father now 6 years since I have seen has been given full disability and I would receive benefits for it. I had 13000 dollars in my account and spent roughly 2000 on school. I was passing and happy now still hanging out with friends and working with a schedule that I made life seemed to be better than ever. I was a bit selfish and spent money hastily in 3 months spending 3000 dollars on my friends and myself taking trips and having fun when I could. With now 8000 dollars in the bank I was set until I could find a job. One day I heard that one of my favorite teachers had died and I went to his funeral. After a day of mourning for him I come home to see my mother angry that my room wasn't cleaned. She said that the maid she had hired was going to be here and that it needed to be cleaned up. I said okay and started to clean up but she continues asking why I wasn't home and why wasn't it done earlier and why she has to tell me this stuff and going on and on and on. I raise my hand and say that I was out with my friends at my old teacher's funeral mourning his death. She saw me raise my hand and said she didn't care and I'm not going to take that attitude. She grabbed my house keys and told me to get the fuck out. I tried to reason with her telling her that this won't solve anything and she wouldn't listen. She watched me pack my things at 2 in the morning as I finished gathering them up in trash bags and laid them out in the yard. I walked over to a nearby Walmart and grabbed a shopping cart filling my stuff into it and laying in the yard to sleep the rest of the night. When I woke up at 7 I started to walk to my community college pushing my stuff as I go. I stopped at my church along the way and sat in the mass hall alone asking god what I did wrong? What am I supposed to do? I left hoping the answer would find its way back to me as I walked with my shopping cart. I made it to the college and asked a friend to drop me off at a nearby store so I could post up a message on Facebook. I got a reply from a close friend saying that I could stay with her for the next 2 weeks trying to get back on my feet. I accepted and stayed with her. When I went to my bank to retrieve money for food and clothes I saw 2000 dollars taken out and I started to panic. My mom took money out from my account something she said she would NEVER do. I talked to her later that day and she said I could either come home with new rules or to go. I asked for the money back and chose to go. I didn't know what would happen if I stayed and if I left I knew I would choose what would happen next. I got an apartment and found someone to move in with and got a job with him. After the first few months I had to pay rent all by myself. So I got a third roommate and the second didn't pay anymore causing the third roommate to leave. I got a new third roommate only to find out the second roommate moved out. We started to pay the rent and eventually came short a month and then the new roommate decided to leave as well. I was left to pay everything and my aunt took me to lunch telling my to move back in with my mom. I had no money and nothing to go back to. I guess pride was hitting at me again but I reluctantly moved back. Everyday after has been a constant reminder to me that she has the satisfaction of knowing that I am unable to live on my own and that makes me livid. I know I can survive on my own but the condition I'm given are horrible.
I'm constantly being told that everything I've done in life has been my fault and that my choice were all wrong. I guess my real question is where? Where did I go wrong? Please leave a comment for anyone who feels like they have an answer since I don't and I really need one.
PM if you have any questions about it.