A lot of my life has been filled with other peoples opinions. Taking and cutting and sticking them together to create something that suits myself.

Leela from futurama: Like a Prom Dress made from carpet remnants!

Yes, like your prom dress.

For the majority of my life - age 5 to 14 - i believed devoutly in God, Jesus and Christianity. My views were manipulated. Moulded into a total belief that Good, Christian people who never swear, make fun of other people or sing "Highway to Hell" will go to heaven, and those who did went straight to hell eternal damnation hallelujah amen.
And it worked.

Then my dad died.

Cancer. Your own body going haywire and killing you slowly. Imagine it - why would God allow such a thing to happen?
So i became an atheist. This seemed right to me. It allowed me to do the things i wanted without fear of hell - or heaven. I discovered my Bisexuality. I found the Furry Fandom. My mind was opened to the wonderful things and people my "religion" had blinkered me from.
And this, also, worked.

But then, about a month ago, i literally came to "love my neighbour".
His name is Daniel. He just turned 34, and he has the nicest family ive ever met - apart from my own. Id known him years, he teaches me the guitar. He knew my dad, and the two of them were very close.

And he, like his whole family, is Christian.
But not the kind of Christian i used to be. He doesn't believe in church. He thinks its a way to control the believers and make a profit. He doesnt believe in converting people. He doesnt think that god punishes human beings because they have unprotected sex, masturbate, listen to heavy metal - christ, his best friends are in a metalcore band - dont believe in Religion or occassionally tease each other.

He believes that there are only two rules to "the right way to live". Love god. Love thy neighbour. He believes that god loves us all, and that he wants us to be happy, and as long as that doesnt hurt someone else, anything goes.

So okay. His way of life is wonderful. But its still hard to believe that god and jesus really existed. And if they do, why do they let horrible things happen?

After about four weeks of serious philosophical discussion, Daniel told me that my dad used to talk to him in the same way i do. I was there. I know he was telling the truth.
And now, almost as though some, higher power commended it to be, here i was, in exactly the same position talking about exactly the same thing.

One thing i havent told you about Daniel is that he is a psychologist, and last night he spoke to me about my dads death.

I dont speak about it.
He asked me how i felt. I said it just kinda rolled off me.
And then i realised what i had just said. My own father had died, practically in front of my eyes, i had seen his body the next morning and all i could say was it just rolled over me.

So daniel asked me if he could pray for me. I thought, no harm in trying. So, hand on my shoulder, he did so, out loud.

Logical RJ: this guys talking to no one. This is awkward.
My Heart: that sure is a wierd feeling your getting in your chest though. Like you want to laugh, but you dont know why?

He prayed for me. He prayed that i would be healed of the emotions i have hidden about my dads death. He prayed that i would make true of my destiny. And i wanted it.
I wanted the faith. I want to see what its all like.

And then it finished, and i left, because we'd been talking for over three hours and it was one in the morning.

He asked "god" to send me three signs during the week. If i saw them, then maybe i could believe. I said to him before i left, " i reckon one day, itll just hit me like a big golden truck". We laughed. I went home.

Walking back from school today?

Three yellow lorries passed me as i waited for the crossing.

My dad kept a diary. After he died, i found a passage about my neighbours.

"Through them, I am so glad i have seen the true christian faith"

Its time to make my mind up.