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Disillusionment
18 years ago
General
I found out I was on the block list of someone I respected.
I think I know why. But it's helped me realize that I have not the slightest crumb of business respecting them. I may say some pretty damn cold things, but I at least try to hold my tongue around those who show common decency and mutual respect for people. I am reminded of an old lesson I thought I learned in elementary school:
Being a prick is some peoples' bread and butter.
For such individuals, their sense of humor is based solely around their own ego.
Those same people can't handle the taste of their own medicine.
I'm going to spend a long time pondering this, reversing it and meditating upon the possibility that I just described myself. I realize that in order for anyone to take what I say seriously, I have to take it seriously--but not too seriously of course... Just enough to practice what I preach, and reap the whirlwind if I called down the thunder.
And if I can keep my mind on track through the whole meditative process, the rewards shall be innumerable and vast.
Which I am actually doing, right now, as I type in fact.
I can already tell that I had, while not today, perhaps yesterday, and most definitely quite recently, a habit of thinking something was funny only because I said it.
I can also tell that there are times that I have taken offense to someone turning something insensitive that I have said back upon me.
And lastly, I am positive that I have attempted to be one of those pricks--and failed miserably because I'm just that bad at being mean.
To those of you who have witnessed this side of me...
I am very, very sorry...
Thank you.
In other news, Human Systems has approved my vacation days for AnthroCon!!
I only had them submitted before, but now it's DEFINITELY on! It's just around the corner in fact. Hot damn, I better start budgeting and saving up! I got paid a few minutes ago (direct deposit FTW) and I think I'm going to divvy it thusly:
1) payoff 100% of required balances to Cable, Phone, and Internet, as well as electricity
2) payoff 100% or nearest reachable value of emergency reserves (overdraft/constant credit account)
3) withdraw $150 cash (or nearest reachable value) for 'lunch money' for the remainder of month--this includes groceries.
4) invest remainder, if any (savings account).
... assuming that I have 700 dollars, that looks like...
150 going to bills,
300+interest+finance charges going into credit account
150 to groceries, lunch, and gas,
leaving just about 100 for savings. Hm...
... better make some adjustments :
my last tidbit regards art. There hasn't been much. though I -can- draw at work, inspiration has been lacking. This I blame on city of heroes. I think I'm leaving my addiction now. Silvermist is probably back from her family Christmas vacation--very devout family and whatnot--so Cyrus can probably pick up his storyline again... but otherwise, furc's been dead to me, and that makes me sad.
So often I end up sitting down and realizing "oh... it's too late for furcadia..." but still playing CoV/CoH for FOUR HOURS and going to bed LATER than I wanted to... 'tis dreadful, truly. Doesn't help that my entire household is sucked into mmo's right now. THEY'RE all playing world of warcraft, which scares me even MORE than CoH. because I think that WoW would actually threaten my ability to maintain my job. CoH gets close enough, thank you VERY much!
Thank the GODS I've been able to at least keep the basics tied together. It finally seems that I am keeping up with laundry and regular maintenance et cetera. Life is stabilizing. I need to get into the swing of tightening up the schedules and routines--you know, start making time for the things that scratch the various itches of my soul. like RP. God, how I miss RP. And art. As stated, I need RP to get art. So I can draw my characters doing things. I can't imagine my characters doing things that they haven't 'been' 'actually' 'doing'.
Ramblemode: ENGAGED
Every day though, I am so pleased and contented, almost to the utmost INSULTING degree of smugness that I DON'T WORK AT A GROCERY STORE ANYMORE!!! It only crosses my mind that some people still do when I feel guilty about saying it! That's backwards, I know--but the fact is, I'm not glad to be better than anyone in particular, I'm just glad to be better than MYSELF! TAKE THAT, ME! HAHA, I WIN. You know I would be WORKING RIGHT NOW!? it's 4:30 AM! That means I'd be taking my last fifteen minute break of the night, sore, stiff, tired, angry, disappointed, broke, with no direction, no future, no hope, and no reprieve.
I am just so ... so very, very, very glad to not be stacking those FUCKING BOXES! I STILL CRINGE AT THE SIGHT! THE THOUGHT! IT MAKES ME PHYSICALLY ILL! I HAVEN'T EATEN YET TODAY (for neglect) AND I STILL WANT TO PUKE! THIS, my friends, is the gleeful side of hating something: being RID OF IT! oh man, I could climb into my car and do a victory lap right now because I CAN ACTUALLY AFFORD THIS CAR THANKS TO MY JOB THAT IS NOT THE STOCKING OF SHELVES IN THE FUCKING KROGER!!!! BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!
VICTORY! YES! VICTORY IS MINE!
*ahem*
But here's another thing: I seem to be GOOD at what I do. Usually I have an observation around this time resembling "gee whiz I'm bad at what I do", but not this time! No way, man! I keep getting the reports saying "100% Rating! GREAT JOB, <Stone>! You're making for a great month! You're really WOWing our clients out there! Keep up the awesome work!"
The facility supervisor told me twice last week that she loves my attitude, and all I was doing was going for a stroll on my first break!
There are a few weaknesses I have. Namely, I don't know the bank policy verbatim. I WANT to... but I don't want to go through memorizing it e.e It's on the website. Right now, in fact. I could go there and read it right now. but I'd rather not. I'd like to find the motivation to carrot-wise (because the stick does not work very well for me at all) but I don't even really feel like -that-. Go figure. I am under the impression that it is not required, but some of the most inspirational tell-it-like-it-is no-mercy no-remorse service-with-a-mother-FUCKING-smile- and -you-know-you-goddamn-well-LIKE-IT-bitch client service associates in the facility feed clients back the exact word-for-word breakdown of the bank services agreement they signed when they opened their accounts.
Nowadays, I live with a far better understanding of how my accounts work and what I can expect from them.
For example,
Overdrafts.
Banks allow their checking accounts to overdraw for a very good reason. A very, VERY good reason. Can you guess? Not many people can--or want to for that matter. But consider this:
You're OUT of cash. You know you're out of cash and a single penny more is going to make your account NEGATIVE. But you're starving. Your kids need food, and payday is three days from now. You could get a payday loan... but you know those sharks are going to charge you 40% interest before you can pay it off! Your debit card is burning a hole in your pocket, and the supermarket is right there....
Go buy that food. Feed your kids. Hell, buy two hundred dollars' worth of food in one sitting, the overdraft item fee is STILL 35 bucks. If you have been a good client and had a positive balance of a substantial amount before... then you certainly CAN purchase that much more than what you've got, just as long as you remember to pay it back lickitty-split.
The landlord says you have until tomorrow to pay your rent, but scrape and scrounge as much as you could, you've only managed to turn up 400 dollars. you're 150 short. But there's an ATM machine on the corner.. You know you don't have the money right now, but you just got a new job and you get paid next week.
Go for it. Is having a roof over your head worth an extra 35 dollars just this once? Well, that's up to you. All we can tell you is: you have an option.
You'd be surprised how much angry clients soften up when they hear it put that way. I just recently, willingly, overdrew my account earlier today (before I got paid)... because i was hungry.
When I HAVE cash, I realized, I am an opulent, wasteful bastard, and I HAVE spent 40 dollars on just myself before. yes. ... lunch was five bucks that I didn't have.. but I reasoned that it's my fault for not budgeting right, that I'm paying 4-star master chef price for a hot dog and a slice of pizza, drink included from the Sam's Club down the road.
and now it's paid back. it's a tool, and it can be abused... and when you abuse it, it abuses YOU. it is something to be handled with utmost care, respect, if not FEAR... but still something that can be used. The deal can sound raw at first, but when you're between a rock and a hard place, that little tertiary option may very well be the lesser of available evils.
and sure, you may know of a credit union with smaller fees or higher spending limits or other shit like that.. but they're not paying me :p
You call it selling out,
I call it lifestyle-aware career based interest strategy.
Oh man. I fucking love the lingo too, oh my god.
You can just tell I'm sucking all the most purely evil and corruptive delights from this, right? That's another reason I love working for the bank. For every person I help, there is a warm fuzzy feeling of genuine happy contentment. For every person I have to shoot down in the name of the almighty godless system of greed, there is a shot of wild and sadistic GLEE. Plus I sit on my ass all day at a computer. How much better does it get? How much better DOES it GET?
okay, it's bedtime. Good night! <3
I think I know why. But it's helped me realize that I have not the slightest crumb of business respecting them. I may say some pretty damn cold things, but I at least try to hold my tongue around those who show common decency and mutual respect for people. I am reminded of an old lesson I thought I learned in elementary school:
Being a prick is some peoples' bread and butter.
For such individuals, their sense of humor is based solely around their own ego.
Those same people can't handle the taste of their own medicine.
I'm going to spend a long time pondering this, reversing it and meditating upon the possibility that I just described myself. I realize that in order for anyone to take what I say seriously, I have to take it seriously--but not too seriously of course... Just enough to practice what I preach, and reap the whirlwind if I called down the thunder.
And if I can keep my mind on track through the whole meditative process, the rewards shall be innumerable and vast.
Which I am actually doing, right now, as I type in fact.
I can already tell that I had, while not today, perhaps yesterday, and most definitely quite recently, a habit of thinking something was funny only because I said it.
I can also tell that there are times that I have taken offense to someone turning something insensitive that I have said back upon me.
And lastly, I am positive that I have attempted to be one of those pricks--and failed miserably because I'm just that bad at being mean.
To those of you who have witnessed this side of me...
I am very, very sorry...
Thank you.
In other news, Human Systems has approved my vacation days for AnthroCon!!
I only had them submitted before, but now it's DEFINITELY on! It's just around the corner in fact. Hot damn, I better start budgeting and saving up! I got paid a few minutes ago (direct deposit FTW) and I think I'm going to divvy it thusly:
1) payoff 100% of required balances to Cable, Phone, and Internet, as well as electricity
2) payoff 100% or nearest reachable value of emergency reserves (overdraft/constant credit account)
3) withdraw $150 cash (or nearest reachable value) for 'lunch money' for the remainder of month--this includes groceries.
4) invest remainder, if any (savings account).
... assuming that I have 700 dollars, that looks like...
150 going to bills,
300+interest+finance charges going into credit account
150 to groceries, lunch, and gas,
leaving just about 100 for savings. Hm...
... better make some adjustments :
my last tidbit regards art. There hasn't been much. though I -can- draw at work, inspiration has been lacking. This I blame on city of heroes. I think I'm leaving my addiction now. Silvermist is probably back from her family Christmas vacation--very devout family and whatnot--so Cyrus can probably pick up his storyline again... but otherwise, furc's been dead to me, and that makes me sad.
So often I end up sitting down and realizing "oh... it's too late for furcadia..." but still playing CoV/CoH for FOUR HOURS and going to bed LATER than I wanted to... 'tis dreadful, truly. Doesn't help that my entire household is sucked into mmo's right now. THEY'RE all playing world of warcraft, which scares me even MORE than CoH. because I think that WoW would actually threaten my ability to maintain my job. CoH gets close enough, thank you VERY much!
Thank the GODS I've been able to at least keep the basics tied together. It finally seems that I am keeping up with laundry and regular maintenance et cetera. Life is stabilizing. I need to get into the swing of tightening up the schedules and routines--you know, start making time for the things that scratch the various itches of my soul. like RP. God, how I miss RP. And art. As stated, I need RP to get art. So I can draw my characters doing things. I can't imagine my characters doing things that they haven't 'been' 'actually' 'doing'.
Ramblemode: ENGAGED
Every day though, I am so pleased and contented, almost to the utmost INSULTING degree of smugness that I DON'T WORK AT A GROCERY STORE ANYMORE!!! It only crosses my mind that some people still do when I feel guilty about saying it! That's backwards, I know--but the fact is, I'm not glad to be better than anyone in particular, I'm just glad to be better than MYSELF! TAKE THAT, ME! HAHA, I WIN. You know I would be WORKING RIGHT NOW!? it's 4:30 AM! That means I'd be taking my last fifteen minute break of the night, sore, stiff, tired, angry, disappointed, broke, with no direction, no future, no hope, and no reprieve.
I am just so ... so very, very, very glad to not be stacking those FUCKING BOXES! I STILL CRINGE AT THE SIGHT! THE THOUGHT! IT MAKES ME PHYSICALLY ILL! I HAVEN'T EATEN YET TODAY (for neglect) AND I STILL WANT TO PUKE! THIS, my friends, is the gleeful side of hating something: being RID OF IT! oh man, I could climb into my car and do a victory lap right now because I CAN ACTUALLY AFFORD THIS CAR THANKS TO MY JOB THAT IS NOT THE STOCKING OF SHELVES IN THE FUCKING KROGER!!!! BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!
VICTORY! YES! VICTORY IS MINE!
*ahem*
But here's another thing: I seem to be GOOD at what I do. Usually I have an observation around this time resembling "gee whiz I'm bad at what I do", but not this time! No way, man! I keep getting the reports saying "100% Rating! GREAT JOB, <Stone>! You're making for a great month! You're really WOWing our clients out there! Keep up the awesome work!"
The facility supervisor told me twice last week that she loves my attitude, and all I was doing was going for a stroll on my first break!
There are a few weaknesses I have. Namely, I don't know the bank policy verbatim. I WANT to... but I don't want to go through memorizing it e.e It's on the website. Right now, in fact. I could go there and read it right now. but I'd rather not. I'd like to find the motivation to carrot-wise (because the stick does not work very well for me at all) but I don't even really feel like -that-. Go figure. I am under the impression that it is not required, but some of the most inspirational tell-it-like-it-is no-mercy no-remorse service-with-a-mother-FUCKING-smile- and -you-know-you-goddamn-well-LIKE-IT-bitch client service associates in the facility feed clients back the exact word-for-word breakdown of the bank services agreement they signed when they opened their accounts.
Nowadays, I live with a far better understanding of how my accounts work and what I can expect from them.
For example,
Overdrafts.
Banks allow their checking accounts to overdraw for a very good reason. A very, VERY good reason. Can you guess? Not many people can--or want to for that matter. But consider this:
You're OUT of cash. You know you're out of cash and a single penny more is going to make your account NEGATIVE. But you're starving. Your kids need food, and payday is three days from now. You could get a payday loan... but you know those sharks are going to charge you 40% interest before you can pay it off! Your debit card is burning a hole in your pocket, and the supermarket is right there....
Go buy that food. Feed your kids. Hell, buy two hundred dollars' worth of food in one sitting, the overdraft item fee is STILL 35 bucks. If you have been a good client and had a positive balance of a substantial amount before... then you certainly CAN purchase that much more than what you've got, just as long as you remember to pay it back lickitty-split.
The landlord says you have until tomorrow to pay your rent, but scrape and scrounge as much as you could, you've only managed to turn up 400 dollars. you're 150 short. But there's an ATM machine on the corner.. You know you don't have the money right now, but you just got a new job and you get paid next week.
Go for it. Is having a roof over your head worth an extra 35 dollars just this once? Well, that's up to you. All we can tell you is: you have an option.
You'd be surprised how much angry clients soften up when they hear it put that way. I just recently, willingly, overdrew my account earlier today (before I got paid)... because i was hungry.
When I HAVE cash, I realized, I am an opulent, wasteful bastard, and I HAVE spent 40 dollars on just myself before. yes. ... lunch was five bucks that I didn't have.. but I reasoned that it's my fault for not budgeting right, that I'm paying 4-star master chef price for a hot dog and a slice of pizza, drink included from the Sam's Club down the road.
and now it's paid back. it's a tool, and it can be abused... and when you abuse it, it abuses YOU. it is something to be handled with utmost care, respect, if not FEAR... but still something that can be used. The deal can sound raw at first, but when you're between a rock and a hard place, that little tertiary option may very well be the lesser of available evils.
and sure, you may know of a credit union with smaller fees or higher spending limits or other shit like that.. but they're not paying me :p
You call it selling out,
I call it lifestyle-aware career based interest strategy.
Oh man. I fucking love the lingo too, oh my god.
You can just tell I'm sucking all the most purely evil and corruptive delights from this, right? That's another reason I love working for the bank. For every person I help, there is a warm fuzzy feeling of genuine happy contentment. For every person I have to shoot down in the name of the almighty godless system of greed, there is a shot of wild and sadistic GLEE. Plus I sit on my ass all day at a computer. How much better does it get? How much better DOES it GET?
okay, it's bedtime. Good night! <3
