FA+
Shop
daily journal #10
14 years ago
I hate having things going on in my life that I don’t feel I should share openly because to do so would in a way violate someone else’s confidentiality.
Yeah. Anyhow, that’s why no daily journal from yesterday and why I am not at my tap dancing lesson this morning and why I feel sick because I haven’t got enough sleep lately. So, where is the lemonade for this particular batch of lemons?
I’m getting better about still wanting to live even when life is going badly. By experiencing terrible things we become strong enough to face more terrible things. I’m beginning to embrace this challenge to some degree even when I am asleep, but I would still rather not have to face it. My knee jerk reaction isn’t to run and hide anymore, but I’m still a bit resentful that my life is overall unpleasant due to the inconsiderate bad choices of people who claim to care about me, but seem only to care if I give them what they want, who sometimes want things I can’t or I feel I shouldn’t give.
That’s my life right now.
In other news, at Aubyn’s insistence, I have watched Howl’s Moving Castle 3+ times in the past two days, so my brain is deeply invested in that parable. It is a very right brain subconscious parable. I have long wanted to make it conscious and rational, and watching it over and over with Aubyn and learning the lines so we can role-play it together is reawakening that desire.
What do I learn about my self from Howl’s Moving Castle?
My favorite parts are these: [A favorite part tells what a person values]
When he rescues her from the soldiers.
When they are walking in the air and they are walking in step.
When she’s cleaning the fireplace and puts Calcifer in a bucket and Howl says very calmly “I’d appreciate it if you would not torment my friend”
When Sophie compliments Calcifer and he says “she likes my spark”
Howl’s melt down[I love that whole scene].
When he sits up with his eyes all wide and asks her to go to the castle in his place [my favorite instant in the movie].
After the confrontation with Suliman when he says “You saved me, Sophie. I was in big trouble back there”
When Howl moves the house to the hat shop place and takes her to the garden and she gets young and says “I don’t care if you’re a monster.”
When Sophie gives her hair to Calcifer.
When child Howl makes his deal with Calcifer
Right after that when Sophie calls out to them and can’t stop crying.
When she pushes back his feathers to see his face.
When he turns back into a man and she rolls him over
When the witch gives Sophie Howl’s heart
When Sophie asks Calcifer if he’ll be ok if Howl gets his heart back.
When Sophie puts back Howl’s heart, praying for both Howl and Calcifer
When Howl says “your hair is like starlight”
I also love how Howl constantly gives Sophie sincere compliments. When they are walking in step “you are a natural” when Calcifer says she bullied him “not many people can do that” the several times he tells her she is beautiful, etc.
SO…apparently I like…Helping[rescuing]. I also like seeing beyond the outside image, setting aside the outside image, and forgiveness/empathy. I like sincere compliments.
The meltdown is my favorite scene and it has all that…he’s having his image stripped away, he needs her to rescue him, and she gives him sincere compliments when his hair goes to it’s natural color. [“look at this shade, it’s even better”] when she says “he’s just having a tantrum” she exemplifies empathy. This scene also has the silent pun of him melting down literally, and her walking out in exasperation and coming back[empathy and forgiveness] and him losing his towel on the way up the stairs, and at the end “now I have to mop again.”
I also like unity/cooperation, Several of the scenes I like represent that. Walking in step, her agreeing to visit the king, her helping him with Sulliman, the witch giving Sophie Howl’s heart, Sophie giving Calcifer her hair.
I like commitment, which is expressed in Howl moving the house to connect to her original place and Sophie not caring if he’s a monster. I see Sophie’s return in the meltdown scene as her moment of final commitment to Howl, and the scene where he asks her to go to the king for him represents his moment of final commitment [she becomes “Mrs Pendragon” at that point, and he gives her a ring to always bring her home to him and where his heart is], which is probably why those two are my most favorite parts of the movie. Moving house officially establishes that commitment.
***** ******
I was also thinking about the soundtrack of my mind, which is what I call the song, at any given which time I tend to sing to myself more often than any other song because it somehow represents my current feelings. Currently that is the second verse of a hymn called how firm a foundation, which goes “fear not I am with you oh be not afraid, for I am thy God and will still give thee aid…” a few years ago, the soundtrack of my mind was “I wrote you a letter on a chocolate box, should I send it off to sea, in an old wine bottle with a cork on top, but you know that I don’t drink. let me drown my sorrow in your sea of dreams, ride the river of your darkness to the ocean of light, where the lightning waves crash on silent shores…”[that’s about internet friendship, in case you can’t tell] and then for awhile it was “In the end you never really mattered, just a very small part of my life, what you took from me was really nothing, just a very small piece of my heart.”
When I was a teenager, the soundtrack of my mind was the bohemian rhapsody [y’know—“Is this the real life, is this just fantasy, caught in a land slide no escape from reality…”]. When I was a little child it was “ There’s a web like a spiderweb made of silk or light and shadow, spun by the moon in my room at night, it’s a web made to catch a dream, hold it tight till I awaken, as if to tell me, that dreaming’s all right.” Suicide is painless fell somewhere between spider web and the Bohemian rhapsody.
I think it’s odd or sad or crazy or maybe just interesting that I am so lost to myself that I resort to this sort of divination to try to discover my own thoughts and feelings.
Anyhow, I’m just noticing that I’ve been stuck on “fear not I am with you” for a long time now, I think I’m about due for something new, preferably something more positive.
Yeah. Anyhow, that’s why no daily journal from yesterday and why I am not at my tap dancing lesson this morning and why I feel sick because I haven’t got enough sleep lately. So, where is the lemonade for this particular batch of lemons?
I’m getting better about still wanting to live even when life is going badly. By experiencing terrible things we become strong enough to face more terrible things. I’m beginning to embrace this challenge to some degree even when I am asleep, but I would still rather not have to face it. My knee jerk reaction isn’t to run and hide anymore, but I’m still a bit resentful that my life is overall unpleasant due to the inconsiderate bad choices of people who claim to care about me, but seem only to care if I give them what they want, who sometimes want things I can’t or I feel I shouldn’t give.
That’s my life right now.
In other news, at Aubyn’s insistence, I have watched Howl’s Moving Castle 3+ times in the past two days, so my brain is deeply invested in that parable. It is a very right brain subconscious parable. I have long wanted to make it conscious and rational, and watching it over and over with Aubyn and learning the lines so we can role-play it together is reawakening that desire.
What do I learn about my self from Howl’s Moving Castle?
My favorite parts are these: [A favorite part tells what a person values]
When he rescues her from the soldiers.
When they are walking in the air and they are walking in step.
When she’s cleaning the fireplace and puts Calcifer in a bucket and Howl says very calmly “I’d appreciate it if you would not torment my friend”
When Sophie compliments Calcifer and he says “she likes my spark”
Howl’s melt down[I love that whole scene].
When he sits up with his eyes all wide and asks her to go to the castle in his place [my favorite instant in the movie].
After the confrontation with Suliman when he says “You saved me, Sophie. I was in big trouble back there”
When Howl moves the house to the hat shop place and takes her to the garden and she gets young and says “I don’t care if you’re a monster.”
When Sophie gives her hair to Calcifer.
When child Howl makes his deal with Calcifer
Right after that when Sophie calls out to them and can’t stop crying.
When she pushes back his feathers to see his face.
When he turns back into a man and she rolls him over
When the witch gives Sophie Howl’s heart
When Sophie asks Calcifer if he’ll be ok if Howl gets his heart back.
When Sophie puts back Howl’s heart, praying for both Howl and Calcifer
When Howl says “your hair is like starlight”
I also love how Howl constantly gives Sophie sincere compliments. When they are walking in step “you are a natural” when Calcifer says she bullied him “not many people can do that” the several times he tells her she is beautiful, etc.
SO…apparently I like…Helping[rescuing]. I also like seeing beyond the outside image, setting aside the outside image, and forgiveness/empathy. I like sincere compliments.
The meltdown is my favorite scene and it has all that…he’s having his image stripped away, he needs her to rescue him, and she gives him sincere compliments when his hair goes to it’s natural color. [“look at this shade, it’s even better”] when she says “he’s just having a tantrum” she exemplifies empathy. This scene also has the silent pun of him melting down literally, and her walking out in exasperation and coming back[empathy and forgiveness] and him losing his towel on the way up the stairs, and at the end “now I have to mop again.”
I also like unity/cooperation, Several of the scenes I like represent that. Walking in step, her agreeing to visit the king, her helping him with Sulliman, the witch giving Sophie Howl’s heart, Sophie giving Calcifer her hair.
I like commitment, which is expressed in Howl moving the house to connect to her original place and Sophie not caring if he’s a monster. I see Sophie’s return in the meltdown scene as her moment of final commitment to Howl, and the scene where he asks her to go to the king for him represents his moment of final commitment [she becomes “Mrs Pendragon” at that point, and he gives her a ring to always bring her home to him and where his heart is], which is probably why those two are my most favorite parts of the movie. Moving house officially establishes that commitment.
***** ******
I was also thinking about the soundtrack of my mind, which is what I call the song, at any given which time I tend to sing to myself more often than any other song because it somehow represents my current feelings. Currently that is the second verse of a hymn called how firm a foundation, which goes “fear not I am with you oh be not afraid, for I am thy God and will still give thee aid…” a few years ago, the soundtrack of my mind was “I wrote you a letter on a chocolate box, should I send it off to sea, in an old wine bottle with a cork on top, but you know that I don’t drink. let me drown my sorrow in your sea of dreams, ride the river of your darkness to the ocean of light, where the lightning waves crash on silent shores…”[that’s about internet friendship, in case you can’t tell] and then for awhile it was “In the end you never really mattered, just a very small part of my life, what you took from me was really nothing, just a very small piece of my heart.”
When I was a teenager, the soundtrack of my mind was the bohemian rhapsody [y’know—“Is this the real life, is this just fantasy, caught in a land slide no escape from reality…”]. When I was a little child it was “ There’s a web like a spiderweb made of silk or light and shadow, spun by the moon in my room at night, it’s a web made to catch a dream, hold it tight till I awaken, as if to tell me, that dreaming’s all right.” Suicide is painless fell somewhere between spider web and the Bohemian rhapsody.
I think it’s odd or sad or crazy or maybe just interesting that I am so lost to myself that I resort to this sort of divination to try to discover my own thoughts and feelings.
Anyhow, I’m just noticing that I’ve been stuck on “fear not I am with you” for a long time now, I think I’m about due for something new, preferably something more positive.
We need to see the bad things and even the worst in life, the nasty side, the sad, the ugly etc. so that when the good things come to us, no matter how small, we can recognise them and truly appreciate them. The daily challenge at the end of the day before you sleep no matter how bad the day has been is look upon it and find one thing that is good. Even if it was briefly watching a lady bug sitting briefly on a leaf and flying away or a person who has disapointed you and you learnt something new from that disapointment. Try and end your day with one positive, turn your day arround and appreciate the little things.
I love Howl's antics too but I also love the that silly dog, I think his name is Heen.
*hugs*
I am constantly surrounded, drown as it were, ["my cup runneth over"], in the glory of the world...tiny things others would overlook or pass by...for example, I found a piece of a broken CD on the sidewalk yesterday, shining in the sun, and it's breathtakingly beautiful...it has these amazing patterns where the reflective surface has cracked and pealed off, and the rainbow patterns of the bit which remains contrasted the the plain greyish of the cracks....amazing[I'd take a photo but it's the sort of think you can never really capture in a photo]....plus because I was walking with my daughter, and it was right by a place I love which has many wonderful memories [not to mention many wonderful pigeon feathers which evoke the pigeons of my childhood] and it was the most perfect day of fall....there's more but, I can only put so much in writing, you get the picture...all this from an instant glance in passing of a piece of litter which might annoy someone else for cluttering the sidewalk. I went back and picked it up. I have it on my bathroom counter and someday I will incorporate it into a work of art.
and like the grey damaged parts of this broken piece of litter the troubles of our lives make the glorious rainbow parts shine even brighter, because art and seeing is all about contrasts...you have to have the shadows to give shape to the light.
people think I'm complaining sometimes when I'm really just celebrating life in a different way.
*hugs* you are awesome, I appreciate you very much