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I snapped.
14 years ago
For three months, I spent my life in a fantasy world, completely intoxicated by raw emotions. I met someone, and fell deeply in love. It was the happiest time of my life. But it just wasn't real. It nearly ended badly, when both her and my wife were about to leave me, but I snapped awake and realized what I've done.
For the next three months, my emotions swung wildly back and forth, between realizing how I've abandoned my wife to chase after someone that isn't interested, and willing to give anything to be with her.
At the end of those months, I just wanted it to end. I was tired of swinging back and forth, trapped on a ride I didn't want to be on. Trapping those around me on that same ride. I just wanted it to be over.
But I didn't want it to end this way.
Somehow, somewhere, I started growing unstable. I lashed out for stupid reasons. I blamed others for my own troubles. And from there, it all fell out of control. In some form of rage, the love I had for her turned to hate. Hatred of everything I've done, of everything I was doing. Hatred of my instability. I just wanted it to fucking end. In the back of my mind I was looking for reasons to fight. Something to give me an excuse to release my frustrations. Something to just stop this vicious cycle.
And in that rage, I hurt everyone around me. Nobody deserved any of it. My actions were uncalled for, wrong, and hurtful. I have done irreparable damage to those I cared most about. I snapped.
... I could have written a chapter into a book with what was going through my mind half an hour ago, when I was overcome by tears, nearly vomiting from everything just overwhelming me at once. My wife and I were watching a movie, and I couldn't help but remember cuddling with my old friend. I missed her warmth, softness, and the wonderful sense of comfort I'd get just by being near her. And then I though, "What the fuck have I done?" I took the best friendship I ever had, and I destroyed it in some form of insane rage. Then I thought about how I "loved" her, even though her heart belongs to another, and that I hold my wife's heart in my hands. And I wondered how the fuck can I get her out of my mind.
For nearly seven months, this unhealthy obsession consumed me, and my subconscious took over and ended it for me, in the worst way imaginable.
To everyone involved, and those who know those involved, I'm deeply sorry. I can't change what I've done. I've caused nothing but pain to you all.
So it's best that I leave.
No internet, no IMs, no FA, no meets... Nothing. I'll leave you all alone. Until my emotions finally settle down, I should just stay the fuck away from everyone before I hurt anyone else further.
For the next three months, my emotions swung wildly back and forth, between realizing how I've abandoned my wife to chase after someone that isn't interested, and willing to give anything to be with her.
At the end of those months, I just wanted it to end. I was tired of swinging back and forth, trapped on a ride I didn't want to be on. Trapping those around me on that same ride. I just wanted it to be over.
But I didn't want it to end this way.
Somehow, somewhere, I started growing unstable. I lashed out for stupid reasons. I blamed others for my own troubles. And from there, it all fell out of control. In some form of rage, the love I had for her turned to hate. Hatred of everything I've done, of everything I was doing. Hatred of my instability. I just wanted it to fucking end. In the back of my mind I was looking for reasons to fight. Something to give me an excuse to release my frustrations. Something to just stop this vicious cycle.
And in that rage, I hurt everyone around me. Nobody deserved any of it. My actions were uncalled for, wrong, and hurtful. I have done irreparable damage to those I cared most about. I snapped.
... I could have written a chapter into a book with what was going through my mind half an hour ago, when I was overcome by tears, nearly vomiting from everything just overwhelming me at once. My wife and I were watching a movie, and I couldn't help but remember cuddling with my old friend. I missed her warmth, softness, and the wonderful sense of comfort I'd get just by being near her. And then I though, "What the fuck have I done?" I took the best friendship I ever had, and I destroyed it in some form of insane rage. Then I thought about how I "loved" her, even though her heart belongs to another, and that I hold my wife's heart in my hands. And I wondered how the fuck can I get her out of my mind.
For nearly seven months, this unhealthy obsession consumed me, and my subconscious took over and ended it for me, in the worst way imaginable.
To everyone involved, and those who know those involved, I'm deeply sorry. I can't change what I've done. I've caused nothing but pain to you all.
So it's best that I leave.
No internet, no IMs, no FA, no meets... Nothing. I'll leave you all alone. Until my emotions finally settle down, I should just stay the fuck away from everyone before I hurt anyone else further.
But you shouldn't be too sad about it. What's done is done. Don't cry over spilled milk. Just clean it up and move on.