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Reflections on Halloween
14 years ago
General
Let me get this out of the way off the bat: I'm not a fan of Halloween.
I could take it or leave it as a holiday, to be honest. Don't get me wrong, I've had some great Halloweens: I can't remember a time I was closer to my cousins than that night when I was 10, for example. And there are of course the positive aspects: getting to see "It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" is always a treat. Plus, lots of candy to mooch. And I didn't have a particularly bad experience as a kid; my parents were always really in control, my neighbors friendly and generous; I don't think I've even ever had a sugar hangover the next day.
But for some reason, whenever October 31st rolls around, it's always left a sour taste in my mouth. And it wasn't just from that sugar free chocolate they give out on the corner (though if you're doing that, stop. You're destroying the dreams of children everywhere).
This displeasure isn't new. While I like free candy, Halloween lore, and all that good stuff, even since I was a little kid I remember having a sort of dread to this night. I can pinpoint it to one concept, and one concept alone: costumes. I know, I know, it's weird. But give me a minute to explain myself.
I love pretending. Earnestly and truly. I made up my first imaginary friends long after other kids got rid of theirs. Heck, now I'm aiming to make a career off of them. (You might know one of them; his name is Duino.) So naturally, a holiday that's based around costumes and making the fake real should right up my alley. But I've always been gripped by hesitation.
See, costumes are an implication. It's a statement of how seriously you take something, and as such you're expected to know something about the topic you're representing. So while I have things I like enough that I'd love to dress up as them, I'm also nervous that I wouldn't do them justice. I respect and adore every fandom I'm a member of (save the obligatory porn, no one's proud of that), and as such I want to represent it with gusto. But my innate perfectionism stops me from doing so, because no costume I could cobble together would ever be quite right, in either aesthetic or adherence to topic. I rarely even make the attempt any more, since I know I'll only end up bogging myself down.
It's the same sort of thing with all things that involve dressing up. I've all but given up on clowning since the concept of actually getting dressed up and thereby having to stay in character for an elongated period of time is absolutely horrifying. I have no inhibition to cosplay at anime conventions or buy a fursuit, since again, I don't think I could do them justice.
I've tried explaining this to friends before, and I'm consistently met with a single response: "It's not that big a deal. Just relax." That's just it- it's a massive deal. I've only really started understanding why, however.
Pretending is all I do. It's my life. Everything I do comes back to my characters or my fandoms, endlessly creating or imagining scenes, scenarios, and whatever else I can think of. But when Halloween comes, I see people in elegant costumes and in perfect character, the proverbial lives of the party. I want to be able to pretend that well; it is my life, after all. But I always see people much better at it- much less shy about it- doing it to degrees I really never could.
So long story short, I'm really jealous of anyone who has fun on Halloween, because I'm too shy to do so myself. And I'm not looking for moral support or ways to change my viewpoint; rest assured, I've gotten plenty of that before. This is just another vent/thought compilation journal. I'm sorry for doing two in a row; I promise, I'll try and post something silly next time around.
Danke for reading, and to all who managed to get through my rambling: Have a Happy Halloween.
I could take it or leave it as a holiday, to be honest. Don't get me wrong, I've had some great Halloweens: I can't remember a time I was closer to my cousins than that night when I was 10, for example. And there are of course the positive aspects: getting to see "It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" is always a treat. Plus, lots of candy to mooch. And I didn't have a particularly bad experience as a kid; my parents were always really in control, my neighbors friendly and generous; I don't think I've even ever had a sugar hangover the next day.
But for some reason, whenever October 31st rolls around, it's always left a sour taste in my mouth. And it wasn't just from that sugar free chocolate they give out on the corner (though if you're doing that, stop. You're destroying the dreams of children everywhere).
This displeasure isn't new. While I like free candy, Halloween lore, and all that good stuff, even since I was a little kid I remember having a sort of dread to this night. I can pinpoint it to one concept, and one concept alone: costumes. I know, I know, it's weird. But give me a minute to explain myself.
I love pretending. Earnestly and truly. I made up my first imaginary friends long after other kids got rid of theirs. Heck, now I'm aiming to make a career off of them. (You might know one of them; his name is Duino.) So naturally, a holiday that's based around costumes and making the fake real should right up my alley. But I've always been gripped by hesitation.
See, costumes are an implication. It's a statement of how seriously you take something, and as such you're expected to know something about the topic you're representing. So while I have things I like enough that I'd love to dress up as them, I'm also nervous that I wouldn't do them justice. I respect and adore every fandom I'm a member of (save the obligatory porn, no one's proud of that), and as such I want to represent it with gusto. But my innate perfectionism stops me from doing so, because no costume I could cobble together would ever be quite right, in either aesthetic or adherence to topic. I rarely even make the attempt any more, since I know I'll only end up bogging myself down.
It's the same sort of thing with all things that involve dressing up. I've all but given up on clowning since the concept of actually getting dressed up and thereby having to stay in character for an elongated period of time is absolutely horrifying. I have no inhibition to cosplay at anime conventions or buy a fursuit, since again, I don't think I could do them justice.
I've tried explaining this to friends before, and I'm consistently met with a single response: "It's not that big a deal. Just relax." That's just it- it's a massive deal. I've only really started understanding why, however.
Pretending is all I do. It's my life. Everything I do comes back to my characters or my fandoms, endlessly creating or imagining scenes, scenarios, and whatever else I can think of. But when Halloween comes, I see people in elegant costumes and in perfect character, the proverbial lives of the party. I want to be able to pretend that well; it is my life, after all. But I always see people much better at it- much less shy about it- doing it to degrees I really never could.
So long story short, I'm really jealous of anyone who has fun on Halloween, because I'm too shy to do so myself. And I'm not looking for moral support or ways to change my viewpoint; rest assured, I've gotten plenty of that before. This is just another vent/thought compilation journal. I'm sorry for doing two in a row; I promise, I'll try and post something silly next time around.
Danke for reading, and to all who managed to get through my rambling: Have a Happy Halloween.
