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14 years ago
I've had a bad week.
As a few of you know, I left my job in CT and moved back in with my parents due to budding anxiety issues, and general discontent with my living/working situation--and this turned out to be just in time, as my boss said when I went to give him two weeks' notice that there was another layoff coming (would have been the third in the year I'd work there) and that I was going to be one of those let go. So I guess that was well-timed, but not exactly fortunate. Anyway, job applications are going out, but nobody's biting. Which is one negative factor.
NaNoWriMo started on Tuesday. I'd planned for months to start working on an idea for a novel when the month began, something I'd been kicking around for... a very long time. But I just.... didn't. I've written barely anything in the past six months... year... etc. and I just don't have the inspiration or drive despite all the story ideas floating around in my brain, and it's frustrating. I know I'm at the very least a capable writer, I have ideas that I think are good... and I just can't do anything with them. Another thing weighing me down.
At the very least, I thought getting out of my bad situation in Connecticut would help me feel better. And for a little while my anxiety issues went away, or at least calmed down enough for me to be able to sleep at night... and earlier this week they came back, as strong as ever. I can't sleep, I feel depressed, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do this time--I can't leave my job and my shitty apartment again, because they're out of the picture now and I can't blame those factors this time. Ever since I returned to my parents', in fact, I've been eating better, exercising more, being more social--fixing everything that was a problem before, and yet the anxiety and depression and insomnia came back anyway. I don't know what I can do this time. It's making me incredibly stressed and anxious and depressed, I've felt like crying all evening for no reason at all, and, and... I just don't know how to fix it.
Anyway, I'm sorry for the emo journal... I'm just really not doing well. I guess I could use a kind word or two.
As a few of you know, I left my job in CT and moved back in with my parents due to budding anxiety issues, and general discontent with my living/working situation--and this turned out to be just in time, as my boss said when I went to give him two weeks' notice that there was another layoff coming (would have been the third in the year I'd work there) and that I was going to be one of those let go. So I guess that was well-timed, but not exactly fortunate. Anyway, job applications are going out, but nobody's biting. Which is one negative factor.
NaNoWriMo started on Tuesday. I'd planned for months to start working on an idea for a novel when the month began, something I'd been kicking around for... a very long time. But I just.... didn't. I've written barely anything in the past six months... year... etc. and I just don't have the inspiration or drive despite all the story ideas floating around in my brain, and it's frustrating. I know I'm at the very least a capable writer, I have ideas that I think are good... and I just can't do anything with them. Another thing weighing me down.
At the very least, I thought getting out of my bad situation in Connecticut would help me feel better. And for a little while my anxiety issues went away, or at least calmed down enough for me to be able to sleep at night... and earlier this week they came back, as strong as ever. I can't sleep, I feel depressed, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do this time--I can't leave my job and my shitty apartment again, because they're out of the picture now and I can't blame those factors this time. Ever since I returned to my parents', in fact, I've been eating better, exercising more, being more social--fixing everything that was a problem before, and yet the anxiety and depression and insomnia came back anyway. I don't know what I can do this time. It's making me incredibly stressed and anxious and depressed, I've felt like crying all evening for no reason at all, and, and... I just don't know how to fix it.
Anyway, I'm sorry for the emo journal... I'm just really not doing well. I guess I could use a kind word or two.
Short term everyone has bouts of that, but if it's an ongoing thing, see a psychiatrist. It basically comes down to a few root causes: there's something buried in your mind that you're fighting against (you use the meds for a short-term fix, and talk therapy will cure it in the long run); there's something physically wrong (fix your diet or whatever); or your brain's just miswired (genetics, in my case).
If you have no insurance and need something to hold you over until 2014 (when Obamacare kicks in): I've been there. Cannabis indica got me through. (Sativa will not do what you need.) I never used enough to get screwed up on it... just tiny amounts, and the anxiety would just melt away and leave me 90% clear-headed and able to function through the evening, go to bed, and just fall asleep. I don't recommend it during the day, but just reclaiming your ability to sleep will make your days better. We have a medical use law in my state which makes it easy; you'll have to check your local laws and evaluate the risks and benefits, but the benefits are very real: I still keep some on hand (with my doctor's approval) for use on an as-needed basis. On my worst nights, nothing works better.
How long has this been going on? On and off throughout your life, or is this something new?
Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about any of this in private.
AND FOR MY FIRST ACT OF EVIL, I WILL LINK TO A SONG THAT YOU WILL DISPISE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xjPODksI08
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!