I hate people buying things for me.
I always have. I end up feeling indebted to them, or just...uncomfortable. I spent my entire childhood hating the situations I was in and that I was put in by my parents/mom and the terrible places I'd end up. All of it ended up having to do with money, in some way. I always told myself I'd get a job as soon as I could and leave and take care of myself, because I felt I could take care of me better than she could, because somehow she always seemed to do a shitty job of it at one point or another. My friends already have always done so much for me, I never wanted them to give me anything. Anything I've ever been given has later been used against me or used to use me or just in general made me feel guilty...Last year I was put in a situation where I would rather accept small favors than go home for even a few hours, and honestly it helped me get over that a lot, especially when it comes to people that won't use what they give me/do for me to bite me in the ass...But that's only changed to a point. When it comes to bigger things...? I still hate it. Anything more than twenty bucks, I just..
God, I'm trying so hard to accept this present, to stop feeling like shit about receiving it, to just be happy about it and give an honest, "Thank you," and enjoy it, but..Shit, it's so hard. It's going against everything I've been doing for so long. I know you spent at LEAST eighty bucks on this, and it's something I've been wanting/kinda needing and..fucking a', I want to not be a fucking douche about it, but I can't even bring myself to open the box...

Aside from that, though...Lately..I can't get myself to tell someone something that I just need to fucking get over with, and I've been neglecting some people, one in particular, and I've noticed I'm receding into myself in that way I have and I'm not fucking okay with that because I am NOT abandoning him, it's just...hard. And I don't even know why. Why can't I talk, why can't I fucking ask someone that I consider one of my best friends, if not my best, to fucking HANG OUT?
I'm pissed at myself for not being capable of SPEAKING, not even if it's just a hi or hello because I'm too afraid of reactions or afraid of bothering someone that I HAVEN'T SEEN IN OVER A WEEK. Because what the fuck is this shit?

I thought I was getting better, a step at a time, but...
All I've been is angry and horribly, horribly dysphoric and reclusive and..fuck.
i'm so sick of this fucking bullshit..and i'm doing all of it to myself....