It is more than quite possible that I am an idiot. Yesterday I did something that most would consider reckless if not stupid and they would be mostly right.

But to be able to judge my actions you need to understand the whys a bit better and I'm not going to go into that here because well this isn't the place to be washing my dirty laundry.

I struggle with a compulsion on a daily basis, when things get to be too much in some ways the compulsion rears it's ugly head and starts prodding me "come on come on". For the most part I can stave it off and ignore it, finding ways to deal with it.

Yesterday, the first time in 7 years I wasn't able to. Several factors combined meant that I reached a threshold and gave in to the compulsion.

I understand that I have alienated friends, hurt those close to me and upset people who deserved better.

At the time though, I didn't feel I had a choice. What I did wasn't an attempt to hurt anyone, it was aimed at no one but myself and I regret that others were affected by my actions.

What I ask though is not for forgiveness but for understanding and a little patience. I know I am asking a lot.