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Meh
14 years ago
General
Sorry to anyone I haven't been talking to lately. I just haven't been feeling up to it...
Still having issues with the geology teacher. There's not much I can do at this point other than hope I don't fail... he's pretty much intentionally setting us all up to fail because he's bitter. It has nothing to do with how hard we work, there's a classmate majoring in earth science with a 4.0 gpa and she too is barely passing. He's not just screwing me over. There are a bunch of people whose financial aid may be cut because of this class too.
I hate how long it's taken me to get through school. I would have been done already if I wasn't sick. If I fail I'll have to go another semester, making it my 4th year at community college. I'm so close to getting to Stonybrook...because of this one asshole I may never be accepted there because not only won't I graduate, my GPA will be killed.
And even though I know sort of what I want to do, I don't know what degree to do. I've been told you can't really get a job with a degree in psychology. But I don't know if I have what it takes to get a Masters, even though I want one. I kind of want to go into special ed, where there are more job oppurtunies and I don't need a Masters, but I don't know if I could deal with it. I've also considered going into social work. But both jobs pay is abysmal for the amount of stress put through.
And I've gotten into a fight with my best friend. He got mad at me because I thought he didn't care. It's because he doesn't show it and his word tone shows hostility. I know he cares about me, but often I feel like he just wants me to shut up. He says I ignore all the good things. And if that's the case I'm no better than an ex-friend of mine who was too mentally ill to be a friend.
My anxiety has worsened too. I'm becoming more and more uncomfortable about people walking behind me, probably because I walk slowly due to the MS. I hate people behind me breathing down my neck and judging me, and I hate being in their way. I've been taking longer routes to class because of this. I hate feeling like a cripple.
On top of that I accidentally overwrote my original save file in Skyrim (Yeah I have in and got it...) when I started a new game just to mess around. It could've been worse...because I have an earlier save from that character (thank god)...but it's waaaaaay far back from where I was. I'm so mad at myself because I don't even remember overwiritng the save. I remember making a new save file for my own character, so I have no idea how it could've happened. I also forgot to turn autosave off so all the autosaves I have are from my new character and not my old one. It's not the first time I overwrote a save file either. I feel like I pretty much wasted my entire weekend and don't want to play anymore. At the same time, I don't really have the energy to do anything else =(
I just feel...sad and stupid.
Still having issues with the geology teacher. There's not much I can do at this point other than hope I don't fail... he's pretty much intentionally setting us all up to fail because he's bitter. It has nothing to do with how hard we work, there's a classmate majoring in earth science with a 4.0 gpa and she too is barely passing. He's not just screwing me over. There are a bunch of people whose financial aid may be cut because of this class too.
I hate how long it's taken me to get through school. I would have been done already if I wasn't sick. If I fail I'll have to go another semester, making it my 4th year at community college. I'm so close to getting to Stonybrook...because of this one asshole I may never be accepted there because not only won't I graduate, my GPA will be killed.
And even though I know sort of what I want to do, I don't know what degree to do. I've been told you can't really get a job with a degree in psychology. But I don't know if I have what it takes to get a Masters, even though I want one. I kind of want to go into special ed, where there are more job oppurtunies and I don't need a Masters, but I don't know if I could deal with it. I've also considered going into social work. But both jobs pay is abysmal for the amount of stress put through.
And I've gotten into a fight with my best friend. He got mad at me because I thought he didn't care. It's because he doesn't show it and his word tone shows hostility. I know he cares about me, but often I feel like he just wants me to shut up. He says I ignore all the good things. And if that's the case I'm no better than an ex-friend of mine who was too mentally ill to be a friend.
My anxiety has worsened too. I'm becoming more and more uncomfortable about people walking behind me, probably because I walk slowly due to the MS. I hate people behind me breathing down my neck and judging me, and I hate being in their way. I've been taking longer routes to class because of this. I hate feeling like a cripple.
On top of that I accidentally overwrote my original save file in Skyrim (Yeah I have in and got it...) when I started a new game just to mess around. It could've been worse...because I have an earlier save from that character (thank god)...but it's waaaaaay far back from where I was. I'm so mad at myself because I don't even remember overwiritng the save. I remember making a new save file for my own character, so I have no idea how it could've happened. I also forgot to turn autosave off so all the autosaves I have are from my new character and not my old one. It's not the first time I overwrote a save file either. I feel like I pretty much wasted my entire weekend and don't want to play anymore. At the same time, I don't really have the energy to do anything else =(
I just feel...sad and stupid.
Oh, that's a pure masculine thing.
Now, I can't really help about the school part, but maybe I could help about your save - are you sure that it was completely overwritten?
Go to (by default)
C:\Users\*username*\Documents\My Games\Skyrim\Saves
I was surprised myself by the ammount of various saves the game made automatically.
Sadly, I have the game on the PS3, not the computer, so I know there's nothing that can be done. =( Thanks for trying though.
Exactly. I can empathize with how difficult things are. I am not on IM much for tw reasons-- when I moved to a new laptop, I of course didn't have passwords saved... and I can't remember any of my passwords for my IM accounts, most of which I've had for years (and have email accounts attached that are no ;onger active or accessible to me).. and the other because of my anxiety. For some reason, not getting to choose when I'm contacted "live", even by people I love and care about (friends, family etc) shoots my levels up. Notes and emails are different though. I have been writing and re-writing a note to you and others in my head for weeks, and by the time I get through the rest of the day my energy is gone. So I'm not exactly languishing, but I am getting extra socially/mentally tired at the end of the day. I am sorry it took so long for me to drop you a line.
I know that you are a wonderful and diligent worker. Your work as a student has been inspiring to me, actually. You will do your best. If you ever need help or to vent or whatever, please drop me a PM. IN fact, if you ever want to reach out, that's the best way of doing so. Note me if you'd like and I can even give you my email address. *hug* Do your best and be as well as you can. I will be thinking of you.
Interestingly, sending notes and emails makes my anxiety levels go up =( It's hard for me to get up the courage to do it, but it's easier when someone starts a conversation. I really have no idea how to start a conversation and it's especially awkward in PMs because I'm just staring at a blank page which makes me more nervous. At least in person I can come up with something random to say or use the bit of smalltalk I learned how to do (even though I hate it, it's better than nothing).
Actually, I'm really glad you brought up the energy thing. When I mention that doing certain things literally exhaust me (stuff like talking on the phone or hanging out in person) people think I'm making it up and just use it an an excuse to not do anything. But it's not that I don't enjoy it, I love the company of my friends, but it tires me out and I need several days to rest before I do anything else. I assumed your reasoning for not talking to me was because you're too busy with your girlfriend to care about old friends though...
Though, until I started talking with Yosh I had thought that you were mad at me and didn't want to be my friend anymore. There were so many things I could've done to help but I was too scared to contact you so I would always wait for you to come online. I had so many things to say and ask, but time kept going by and no Toroth =(
I don't understand how I've inspired you, but I'm glad I have. I hope that you're doing okay.
Even if I am quiet, I am always reading. I sort of addressed this sort of thing once in a journal last year:http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/1393307/
I always care about my friends. and I will always tell you if something happens where'd I'd conceivably not want to be friends anymore. You are an amazing, thoughtful and sweet person, and I care about you a lot, Aura. Seeing how hard you work, reading your updates, seeing you have remembered our discussions, remembering fun times we have shared together, from idle convos to RPs and stuff cheer me and warm my heart, even if I don't have the energy to say so often. *hug*
Anxiety definately has a way of snowballing. The Geology professor is a key source for sure with everything else being largely matters that, without the core stresser, may not be so bad. However, with such a major crisis at hand, it's next to impossible to not find yourself getting set off by things you'd normally be more able to reason through.
As for the MS situation, I know that feeling. I tend to move away from things I'm trying to read, or understand, if someone is behind me. It is a lot of work for me to get my special glasses, reader, or whatever to read things. Heck, today at work, we passed a soccer ball around that had phrases on it for a "Getting to Know" and I felt like a total dweeb having to need my Manager to read the questions I landed on. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help how my disability makes me sometimes feel so awkward. So, *hugs* you're not alone there. You're also not alone in doing your best in overcoming that and being the best you can be despite the hand life dealt you, too. You, like I, didn't ask for our troubles. However, we got them and it's up to us to do our best to overcome them and not be dominated by them.
Just like Toroth, I am here for you, Aura. I want you to succeed and care for you very much. Never hesitate to PM or text me. It's what I"m here for. Together, we'll all get you through this rough patch and have you on track to success.
Oh, one more thing, how about a Degree in Clinical Psychology? That's a good one. Special Education works, too. It's a teaching based degree where you'd only need a Bachelors. The trick being finding a teaching related job. Though, you can find a lot of spin-offs with a Special Ed degree. Truly, though, I feel you are capable of a Masters as, again, it's been a dream of yours and there is no reason for you to not pursue it. :)